Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Tropical Storm Georges ... Kelsey Grammer

Colin Quinn: [in brown suit, standing before WU sodium screen where newspaper graphics and WU icons float in and out of view pointlessly] Ooh! The big story this week: more documents released in the Clinton and Lewinsky scandal. Actually, that is NOT the big story this week. It's just the story that people talk about because the real stories are too frightening. The story should be about the imminent collapse of the global economy. Russia and Brazil are broke. They wanna borrow money. The IMF says that Japan will have its worst recession since World War II.

And now, this week, our administration makes a big announcement that we have a seventy billion dollar surplus. Why is that in the news? They should shut up. We shouldn't be talking about our surplus when all these countries are tapped out. You know how when your friend wants to borrow money and you have to plead poverty? ... Our country should be like, "Nah, man, I'm broke, too. Yeah. ... Ah, I gotta pay for those hurricanes. You know, why don't you ask Germany? I heard they just got a new Chancellor. Ask India, they just did nuclear testing, you know? Ask Canada, they don't have anything fun to do with their money. It just sits there, you know?"

But it's scary talking about a real problem so, instead, we talk about the White House soap opera, squeeze every last stupid irrelevant detail out of the big sex scandal. "What was she wearing? -- ooooh!" Our country's a bunch of junior high school kids passing notes to each other right now. "Ooh, he likes Eleanor Mondale! Ewwww!" You know, following politics used to mean knowing which congressman voted for Farm Aid. Now, it means knowing what color the thong was, all right? Although, I will be the first to admit if Eleanor Mondale gets in the mix in this, I will find a renewed interest in this case, all right? She's gonna bring new life to this like when Alyssa Milano joined "Melrose Place," all right?

[Music, dissolve to WU montage]

Announcer V/O: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.

[GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN QUINN - Dissolve to Colin at WU desk. Cheers and applause.]

Colin Quinn: Oh, my God! Oh, folks, no! Thank you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn.

Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week to determine whether she tampered with a taped conversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The tests showed that every answer she gave was truthful, except one: "200 pounds." ... Ah, all right.

Kenneth Starr -- some people are still calling this guy, by the way, the "Whitewater special prosecutor" -- Kenneth Starr. Hey, when's the last time you heard this guy talk about the Whitewater Scandal? Isn't this kind of like saying "Heisman Trophy winner O.J. Simpson"? ... [delayed applause] Thanks, folks. Came a little late.

Another former White House intern was arrested in New York for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judge told the woman, "Hey, go pick on somebody your own size." ...

Upon his retirement, former White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry received a call from Senator Kennedy congratulating him on his seventy home runs. ... [some applause]

U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close to building a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. will soon be bombing the crap out of Iraq. ... That's what it means.

Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping the death sentence on Salman Rushdie. Then, this week, they announced that the death sentence still stood. Rushdie's reaction will be seen on Iran's hit show "Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes." ... [some applause]

In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafat agreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occur as soon as mid-October. When these two guys get together they have disagreements. But one thing they all agree on - is that the room smells a little funky. ...

While Hurricane Georges has been downgraded to a "tropical storm," it has already set records as the longest, rainiest storm of the season. In a dramatic development, Weekend Update has captured the following satellite images of Tropical Storm Georges.

[Cut to Georges, a sophisticated French gentleman complete with slicked back hair, mustache, ascot, a purple robe, champagne glass, cigarette and holder. He sits on a yellow sofa with a poodle as noisy wind blows and huge storm clouds race by in the background. SUPER: LIVE / VIA SATELLITE -- 2ND SUPER: Tropical Storm Georges]

Tropical Storm Georges: [thick French accent] Ah, bonsoir, mes amis! I am Tropical Storm Georges. ... The most beautiful and sensuous of all the severe weather systems. My actual birth name is Jean Francois Georges Le Grand. But the stupid National Weather Service shortened it to "Georges." They have no class. They are just jealous. The Weather Service is nothing to me, I spit on them. [spits] You see, that just caused a flash flood in Mississippi [pronounced "Mass a sappy"]. Like I was saying, when Georges decides to invade an American city, it's not just a storm -- it is art. Every power failure I cause is like the stroke of a brush on a canvas. Every time-- Every telephone pole I overturn is like a fresh dish of coq au vin -- with a petit side of camembert. Every airport I close is like making passionate love to a woman named Dominique. You stupid Americains with your lust for money, your fest food and your Brian Benben. [shakes his head with disgust] Ha ha! ... How I long to destroy you. Au revoir, Colin!

[Cut back to Colin at the desk.]

Colin Quinn: Ah, that was Tropical Storm Georges ... [applause] confirming many of our worst stereotypes of the French. Tropical Storm Georges, everyone, urrgghh!

Last week, "Rush Hour," starring Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, was the number one movie at the box office again, making it the most lucrative Black-Asian combination since Tiger Woods. ... [applause]

In an attempt - an attempt to bring Gen X-ers to bowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordan to hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowling what he did for baseball. ...

Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter, Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated, "Ringo wasn't available. He was busy workin' a prom." ...

Some more bad economic news: the Gillette company has announced that they're going to cut forty-seven hundred employees. Here's how it will work: [dissolve to animated footage from an old Gillette commercial of razor blades cutting a hair off a man's face] The first blade cuts the most recent hires ... [first blade cuts the hair - "300"] The second blade cuts anyone nearing their pension ... [second blade cuts the hair - "4399"] And the third blade cuts the guy who tagged out the boss at the company softball game. ... [third blade cuts the hair completely - "1" - Dissolve back to Colin at the desk.]

[Photo of John Gotti, Jr.] John "Junior" Gotti was released on ten million dollars bail to house arrest in his Long Island home this week. He's required to wear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most people agree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he's ever worn. ...

I'm Colin Quinn. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. Buh-bye..

[Colin waves. Cheers, applause, music. Pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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