Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Tropical Storm Georges ... Kelsey Grammer
Colin Quinn: [in brown suit, standing before WU
sodium screen where newspaper graphics and WU icons
float in and out of view pointlessly] Ooh! The big
story this week: more documents released in the
Clinton and Lewinsky scandal. Actually, that is NOT
the big story this week. It's just the story that
people talk about because the real stories are too
frightening. The story should be about the imminent
collapse of the global economy. Russia and Brazil are
broke. They wanna borrow money. The IMF says that
Japan will have its worst recession since World War
And now, this week, our administration makes a big
announcement that we have a seventy billion dollar
surplus. Why is that in the news? They should shut up.
We shouldn't be talking about our surplus when all
these countries are tapped out. You know how when your
friend wants to borrow money and you have to plead
poverty? ... Our country should be like, "Nah, man,
I'm broke, too. Yeah. ... Ah, I gotta pay for those
hurricanes. You know, why don't you ask Germany? I
heard they just got a new Chancellor. Ask India, they
just did nuclear testing, you know? Ask Canada, they
don't have anything fun to do with their money. It
just sits there, you know?"
But it's scary talking about a real problem so,
instead, we talk about the White House soap opera,
squeeze every last stupid irrelevant detail out of the
big sex scandal. "What was she wearing? -- ooooh!" Our
country's a bunch of junior high school kids passing
notes to each other right now. "Ooh, he likes Eleanor
Mondale! Ewwww!" You know, following politics used to
mean knowing which congressman voted for Farm Aid.
Now, it means knowing what color the thong was, all
right? Although, I will be the first to admit if
Eleanor Mondale gets in the mix in this, I will find a
renewed interest in this case, all right? She's gonna
bring new life to this like when Alyssa Milano joined
"Melrose Place," all right?
[Music, dissolve to WU montage]
Announcer V/O: And now, from the news capital
of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin
[GRAPHIC: WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN QUINN - Dissolve
to Colin at WU desk. Cheers and applause.]
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God! Oh, folks, no! Thank
you. Hi, I'm Colin Quinn.
Linda Tripp took a lie-detector test this week to
determine whether she tampered with a taped
conversation she had with Monica Lewinsky. The tests
showed that every answer she gave was truthful, except
one: "200 pounds." ... Ah, all right.
Kenneth Starr -- some people are still calling this
guy, by the way, the "Whitewater special prosecutor"
-- Kenneth Starr. Hey, when's the last time you heard
this guy talk about the Whitewater Scandal? Isn't this
kind of like saying "Heisman Trophy winner O.J.
Simpson"? ... [delayed applause] Thanks, folks. Came a
Another former White House intern was arrested in New
York for stalking George Stephanopoulos. The judge
told the woman, "Hey, go pick on somebody your own
Upon his retirement, former White House Press
Secretary Mike McCurry received a call from Senator
Kennedy congratulating him on his seventy home runs.
... [some applause]
U.S. officials and experts say that Iraq is close to
building a nuclear weapon. Translation: The U.S. will
soon be bombing the crap out of Iraq. ... That's what
Last week, Iran announced that it was dropping the
death sentence on Salman Rushdie. Then, this week,
they announced that the death sentence still stood.
Rushdie's reaction will be seen on Iran's hit show
"Fundamentalists Bloopers and Practical Jokes." ...
In Washington, Benjamin Netanyahu and Yasser Arafat
agreed to go ahead with peace talks that could occur
as soon as mid-October. When these two guys get
together they have disagreements. But one thing they
all agree on - is that the room smells a little funky.
While Hurricane Georges has been downgraded to a
"tropical storm," it has already set records as the
longest, rainiest storm of the season. In a dramatic
development, Weekend Update has captured the following
satellite images of Tropical Storm Georges.
[Cut to Georges, a sophisticated French gentleman
complete with slicked back hair, mustache, ascot, a
purple robe, champagne glass, cigarette and holder. He
sits on a yellow sofa with a poodle as noisy wind
blows and huge storm clouds race by in the background.
SUPER: LIVE / VIA SATELLITE -- 2ND SUPER: Tropical
Tropical Storm Georges: [thick French accent]
Ah, bonsoir, mes amis! I am Tropical Storm Georges.
... The most beautiful and sensuous of all the severe
weather systems. My actual birth name is Jean Francois
Georges Le Grand. But the stupid National Weather
Service shortened it to "Georges." They have no class.
They are just jealous. The Weather Service is nothing
to me, I spit on them. [spits] You see, that just
caused a flash flood in Mississippi [pronounced "Mass
a sappy"]. Like I was saying, when Georges decides to
invade an American city, it's not just a storm -- it
is art. Every power failure I cause is like the stroke
of a brush on a canvas. Every time-- Every telephone
pole I overturn is like a fresh dish of coq au
vin -- with a petit side of camembert.
Every airport I close is like making passionate love
to a woman named Dominique. You stupid
Americains with your lust for money, your fest
food and your Brian Benben. [shakes his head with
disgust] Ha ha! ... How I long to destroy you. Au
[Cut back to Colin at the desk.]
Colin Quinn: Ah, that was Tropical Storm
Georges ... [applause] confirming many of our worst
stereotypes of the French. Tropical Storm Georges,
Last week, "Rush Hour," starring Jackie Chan and Chris
Tucker, was the number one movie at the box office
again, making it the most lucrative Black-Asian
combination since Tiger Woods. ... [applause]
In an attempt - an attempt to bring Gen X-ers to
bowling, AMF Bowling Centers has hired Michael Jordan
to hype the sport. They hope Mike can do for bowling
what he did for baseball. ...
Paul McCartney served as chauffeur when his daughter,
Mary, got married this past weekend. Paul stated,
"Ringo wasn't available. He was busy workin' a prom."
Some more bad economic news: the Gillette company has
announced that they're going to cut forty-seven
hundred employees. Here's how it will work: [dissolve
to animated footage from an old Gillette commercial of
razor blades cutting a hair off a man's face] The
first blade cuts the most recent hires ... [first
blade cuts the hair - "300"] The second blade cuts
anyone nearing their pension ... [second blade cuts
the hair - "4399"] And the third blade cuts the guy
who tagged out the boss at the company softball game.
... [third blade cuts the hair completely - "1" -
Dissolve back to Colin at the desk.]
[Photo of John Gotti, Jr.] John "Junior" Gotti was
released on ten million dollars bail to house arrest
in his Long Island home this week. He's required to
wear an electronic ankle bracelet, which most people
agree is the most tasteful piece of jewelry he's ever
I'm Colin Quinn. That's my story and I'm stickin' to
[Colin waves. Cheers, applause, music. Pull back and