98c: Lucy Lawless / Elliot smith
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
*NOTE: The very beginning of Colin Quinn's opening is not transcribed here. If you have the opening words of this script, please submit them.
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: ...they went too far, now they're trying to back up a little. They're not talking impeachment, they're talking censure. So what is censure? You're still President, but you can't say anything or go anywhere? You're grounded. You know? You can't use Air Force One, you just have to sit there in the Oval Office. The White House tour comes by, Clinton's standing there, unshaven in his bathrobe watching it. [waves] "Hi!" You know? He's gonna be like your father when he's unemployed, trying to fix your radio that's not broken. He's better off making them impeach him! Although being censured doesn't have to break you, Bill. Look at Andrew Jackson. Andrew Jackson's the only president ever censured. And look at him today, he's on the 20! All right? [shows a 20-dollar bill]...This picture doesn't do him justice, by the way. No. [close-up of the 20] I don't know, he looks like Keith Richards on this 20, but...uh...he's like, [imitating Keith Richards] "Hey, Mick! I'm on the 20!" All right...
Gerald Ford has proposed that Clinton be forced to stand in the well of the House and listen to the representatives and senators denounce him to his face. Folks, these are the people in charge of our country! That's the best they can come up with, is having Clinton being yelled up like he's on a daytime talk show, you know? Why don't you just get Clinton up there with his wife and have Jerry Springer pass the microphone around the senators, you know? You got Henry Hyde over there...[imitating Henry Hyde] "Jerry, if that was my man, I'd leave his ass! Woooo!" You know.
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh, folks! Thank you! Hi! I'm Colin Quinn! Thank you, folks!
Here's some nice news. Now, Hillary Clinton spent her 23rd wedding anniversary at a women's conference in Bulgaria. She said, "I just wanted to be someplace where I could feel sexy." [some groans]...You know? I know, that is sad. You don't have to moan about it, but it's sad. All right.
The Department of Defense is claiming some success in combating the Y2K computer glitch, which makes computers think that we are not approaching the year 2000, but the year 1900. Also suffering from this disease: [photo of Newt Gingrich; jerks his thumb at it] this man. [some cheers and applause]
The Foreign Minister of Japan is going to issue an apology for atrocities committed in China by the Japanese during World War II. But Japan says it would appreciate it if, from now on, the Rape of Nanking was referred to as "The Date That Went Bad with Nanking."
A new report shows that the pregnancy rate for the nation's teenage girls is at a 20-year low. Officials warn, however, that this trend might not last, because of the work stoppage in the NBA. [cheers and applause]...[innocently] Ooooh!
The five-day waiting period to buy a handgun will now be replaced by an instant computerized background check. The NRA applauds the development, saying, "Now people will no longer have to wait five days to settle family disputes."
And reports say that former White House intern Monica Lewinsky would like to move to New York. [secretly] Gentlemen, start your engines! [some applause]
And now, with a comment about the Clinton impeachment proceedings, here's Chucky, the murderous doll from the new movie, The Bride of Chucky!
[pan over to Chucky]
Chucky: Hey! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, Colin! And by the way, you're doing a terrific job! Well, hello everyone! As we all know, the Clinton White House has been busy this week preparing his anti-impeachment strategy. Meanwhile, the House Judiciary Committee is planning the hearings which will, no doubt, have a high economic and emotional cost for this nation. But I think I speak for most Americans when I say, enough already! I mean, aren't we all just a little sick of this by now? Geez, let the poor man do his job! As far as I'm concerned, the only person Bill Clinton has to apologize to is his wife. Are you with me, Colin?
Colin: I guess so, yeah.
Chucky: Well, of course, you can't turn on a TV without hearin' about it. Well, you know what? Clinton's not the first president to, uh...get a little somethin' on the side. Am I right, my man?
Colin: I suppose, yeah.
Chucky: Yeah, you know I'm right! And it happens all the time in other countries. It's just accepted. France thinks we're ridiculous, it's embarrassing! I mean, if this is the biggest thing we have to worry about...geez! And I'm sorry, but if lacking oral sex is a crime, then I'd have been in jail a long time ago, right, Colin? Come on, you're with me!
Colin: [confused] Uh...I don't know, Chucky!
Chucky: Anyway...from where I sit, the best way to solve this whole thing is to stab Kenneth Starr in the forehead with scissors....Which remids me [cheers and applause]...Thanks! Which reminds me, be sure to check out The Bride of Chucky in theaters now. The vibe was really good on the set, and I think it comes across.
Colin: All right, Chucky. Chucky, the murderous doll, everybody!...Earlier this week [notices that Chucky won't leave]...uh...I don't think so, Chucky.
Chucky: I'm serious, Colin. [reaches his hand under the desk] I want to have this beer.
Colin: I'm pretty busy, you know, Chucky?
Chucky: Well, you too busy for this? [pulls out a butcher knife]
Colin: [becomes frightened] Oh!
Chucky: You can't escape, Quinn!
Colin: [to someone off-screen] Get him outta here!
Chucky: I'll find a way to [floor manager comes in to grab Chucky away] get you!
Colin: Get outta here, Chucky!
Chucky: [to the floor manager; over Colin's last line] Hey watch it, I'm Chucky!
Colin: [relieved] Woo!
Fires have destroyed many of Florida's most lucrative crops, including marijuana. This has resulted in millions of dollars of losses and hundreds of very paranoid firemen.
Christian groups are protesting Terrence McNally's new play Corpus Christi, about a gay Jesus. Christian leaders are reportedly outraged, saying, "Jesus wasn't gay! Judas kissed him!"...Come on folks. That was a good one.
Arab...Arab and Muslim groups are protesting the new Bruce Willis movie The Siege, in which New York City is placed under martial law after terrorist bombings by Arabs. Hey! Did I miss something? Who bombed the World Trade Center, the cast of "Caroline in the City"? Okay? See, this is what it comes to now! You can't show any criminal unless it's a white guy in a suit! I saw a movie about the Crips the other night starring Greg Kinnear and Jonathan Taylor Thomas, folks.
Now, you people here in the studio don't know by now, but the Yankees won the first game of the World Series tonight. [cheers] All right....Thank you. They dedicated the game to Darryl Strawberry, and the party afterwards to Dwight Gooden. [some groans; upset about reaction]...Folks! The game ended 10 minutes ago, and that was pretty good for a short period of time, you know? Take this things into cons-- account!
Now, here with a comment on tonight's game and Tino Martinez's grand slam, is the building super for 1901 Burnside Avenue in the Bronx, our very own Dominican Lou!
[pan over to Dominican Lou, who is really Chucky dressed and talking like Dominican Lou]
"Dominican Lou": Thank you! Thank you! These people, they talking in my building about the Tino Martinez...
Colin: Hey, wait a minute, Chucky! Nice try, Chucky!
Chucky: [takes out the knife] You're mine, Quinn!
Colin: [frightened] Aaaahh! You--
[floor manager comes back to take Chucky away]
Chucky: You think they're ever gonna make a movie out of "Weekend Update"? You're a sucker, Quinn! A sucker!
Colin: [ chuckles ] I'm Colin Quinn. That's my story, and I'm sticking with it!
[ fade ]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson