Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 4




98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek.....Will Ferrell
Sean Connery.....Darrell Hammond
Adam Sandler.....Jimmy Fallon
Tom Cruise.....Ben Stiller

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Once again, I'm going to recommend that our viewers watch something else. That having been said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery is in first place with zero.

Sean Connery: You'll rue the day you crossed me Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Fantastic. Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler: How you doin there Alex? You know it's great to be here, you know? Time for the Jeopardy! I love it. Your father loves it. Your Aunt Neda watches it every night in the VCR.

Alex Trebek: Ok, thank you Mr. Sandler. And finally, Tom Cruise has an incredible negative $12,000. A negative $12,000 having incorrectly answered a number of first round questions more than once.

Tom Cruise: I'm feeling great, Alex. Who is this guy? [ points to Adam Sandler ] I love this guy. This guy's great here, with the crazy sounds. He's wonderful. And it's really an honor to be working with Sean Connery.

Alex Trebek: Great. Better luck to all of you in the next round. It's time for Double Jeopardy. Let's take a look at the board. And the categories are: Potent Potables, The Vowels, Presidents Who Are On the One Dollar Bill, Famous Titles, Ponies, The Number 10, and finally: Foods That End In "Amburger." Tom Cruise, you are in third place, so the board is yours.

Tom Cruise: I, a...[ laughs ], I, a...[ laughs ], I, a...[ laughs ], I, a...[ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Mr. Sandler, why don't you pick instead?

Adam Sandler: Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday!

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, go ahead.

Sean Connery: The day is mine! I'll take Famous Titties for 400.

Alex Trebek: Titles, Famous Titles.

Sean Connery: Damn!

Alex Trebek: And the answer is: This movie title is taken from the name of the book "Gone With The Wind." Mr. Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Dolly Parton!

Alex Trebek: Titles, Mr. Connery. Not titties.

Sean Connery: Not a fan of the ladies, are you Trebek?

Alex Trebek: Someone else, please. Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Why are you yelling at me?

Alex Trebek: You rang in. Mr. Cruise.

Tom Cruise: I know this, I got it. It's right up here. I got it, I know it, I know it, it's right up here. I got it [ beep ]

Alex Trebek: You don't got it.

Tom Cruise: No, you don't got it! Get it?!

Alex Trebek: Wonderful. The answer is Gone With the Wind. Gone With the Wind. All right, Mr. Connery, the board is yours, so I'll pick a category for you. Let's try the Number 10 for 200. In this category, the correct response to every question is ten. When I stop talking, just say ten. Ok, let's give it a shot. This is how many fingers you have. Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise: Five.

Alex Trebek: No. Adam Adam Sandler: .

Adam Sandler: This one time I was out with my friends on a boat. And this guy on the boat was like Come to the back of the boat! [ Beep ]

Alex Trebek: Time's up. Time is up. The answer was ten. You have ten fingers.

Sean Connery: I'll show you a finger, Trebek.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Cruise, would you please pick.

Tom Cruise: Help me, Alex. Help me, help you. Help me, help you.

Alex Trebek: Thank you.

Tom Cruise: All right, I'll take Famous Titties for 800.

Sean Connery: Well done, laddie.

Alex Trebek: Famous Titles for 800. And it's an audio Daily Double. All right, Mr. Cruise, this song was this TV show's theme. Listen carefully.

[ Play Batman, theme song. ]

Tom Cruise: A...A...What is Mash?

Alex Trebek: No. Sean Connery.

Tom Cruise: What is After Mash?

Alex Trebek: No.

Tom Cruise: The one with Jamie Farr.

Alex Trebek: No, I know. Mr. Sandler. Where did you get a guitar?

Adam Sandler: [ Singing ] "Robert De'Niro, Bela Lugosi, Snufalofogus, and Parker Posie."

Alex Trebek: And it's time for Final Jeoardy. The Final Jeopardy category is just answer the question Where are you right now? Just right down where you are right now. It could be California, or a game show, or earth, or the word "here." Ok, let's get this over with. Tom Cruise, you wrote down: "Go." And you wagered: "For it." Go for it. You certainly did.

Tom Cruise: [ Laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Moving on. All right, Adam Sandler, you wrote down: "Abbie Doobie."

Adam Sandler: Abbie Doobie...[ Gibberish ]

Alex Trebek: I feel like I want to punch you. Mr. Connery, where are you right now? You wrote: Good, Lord, you wrote "indoors" that's phenomenal. Are we recording this? Ok, let's look at your wager. "I heart boobs." That's beautiful. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth. Good day.


Submitted by: Christine


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