Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 4

98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

Kevin Still Lives With His Parents

Dad.....Chris Parnell
Mom.....Ana Gasteyer
Kevin.....Ben Stiller

[ open on Dad and mom reading pieces of the newspaper in their living room ]

Dad: Oh, it looks like Safeway's got a sale on beef medallions.

Mom: Mmmmm.. cook some of those up with scalloped potatoes, wouln't that hit the spot?

Dad: Mmm-hmm.

[ 30-year-old Kevin enters ]

Mom: Oh, honey, I put your mail over there on the table.

Kevin: [ defensive ] What's that supposed to mean? Look, Mom, I'm sorry that I have to get my mail at the same mailbox as you and Dad. Okay, I'm 30 years old, don't you think I want my own mailbox? Huh? Huh? As soon as I get out from under my Visa debt, I am going to move out, okay? What do want me to do? What do you want me to do! You want me to go build my own mailbox, huh? Huh? Because I'll go down to a Home Depot right now and mailbox-building supplies, and I'll go and build my own separate mailbox - will that make you happy?! [ retreats upstairs ]

Dad: I'll tell you what I have a hankering for is some sweet corn.

Mom: Mmm.. it's almost pumpkin pie time.

Dad: Mmm-hmm..

Kevin: Oh, my GOD!! [ runs downstairs ] Alright! Who's bene in my room! And don't tell me nobody, 'cause there's something I do to the door where I can tell that somebody's opened it, and somebody's definitely been in there and opened the door to my room!

Mom: I did your laundry and put it on the bed, dear.

Kevin: [ feels bad ] Oh.. alright.. okay.. sorry, alright? Thank you. Look, just for future reference, that room is my special place, I would very much appreciate it if you'd just leave the laundry outside the door. Okay? I'm sorry I yelled. I love you both very much. I love you, Mom.. I love you, Dad.. Hey! I'm gonna go get something to eat - does anybody want anything?

Mom: Uh, no, nothing, thank you, honey. I left you a plate of food in the oven, though.

Kevin: [ angry ] Why did you do that?!! I told you to stop doing things for me!! If you keep doing things for me, then I'll never leave this place!! And I know that neither of you wants that!! Right?!! I want it to be like you barely know that I'm here!! [ exits to the kitchen, then pops back into the living room ] Do I have to heat it up, or is ready to go?

Mom: It's ready, dear.

Kevin: Hey, Dad? Dad, you want a beer? Huh? Dad? [ angry ] WHAT?!! Now he's not talking to me?!! HUH?!! I am trying SO HARD to make this work out!!

Mom: He didn't hear you. [ turns to Dad ] Honey, do you want a beer?

Dad: A beer? Sure, that sounds great.

Kevin: Great! Alright, Dad, coming up. [ exits to the kitchen ]

Dad: [ looks up from his paper ] Here is a whole article on aphids.

Mom: Ohh.. save that. Tear that out, I'd like to read that.

[ phone rings ]

Dad: [ picks up ] Hello. Kevin? He sure is. Hold on just a minute.

Kevin: [ in the kitchen, drops his plate ] Son of a BITCH!!

Dad: Kevin?

Kevin: [ steps out ] What?! Look, I'm sorry I swore - the plate was really hot! What are you gonna do now, Dad, huh? Are you gonna throw me out of the house for swearing?! Huh?! I'm gonna be living in the streets, because I can't afford my own apartment, okay?!! Just because I'm not as good as saving money does'nt make me a bad person!! [ starts crying ] Are you happy now!! Look, I'm crying!! Your little boy's crying like a little baby!! What do you want, Daddyyyyy?!!!

Dad: [ calm ] Phone's for you.

Kevin: Alright.. thanks, Dad.. I'll take it upstairs. [ rusn upstairs ]

Dad: [ into the phone ] Kevin will be right with you.

Mom: You know, I'll tell you where I found a lot of aphids - right out back there on that plum tree.

Kevin: I've got the phone!!

Dad: Those little buggers sure like fruit.

Mom: They sure do.

Kevin: HEY!! I've got the phone!! You can hang up now!!

Mom: I will tell you one thing - I'll take aphids over ticks any day.

Dad: I'll second that.


Mom: Kevin has the phone, honey, you can hang it up.

Dad: Oh. [ hangs it up, then returns to his paper ] Do you understand this Peanuts cartoon? I don't get it.

Mom: [ looks at the cartoon ] That is very strange..

Dad: Mmm-hmm..

Kevin: [ runs downstairs ] Oh, my God! You're never gonna beleive who that was! That was Nancy from the office, you know that girl I have a huge crush on. Anyway, she wants to go out, so I want to take her to see "Bride of Chuckie" tonight. Please, please, tell me you're not doing anything, and I can borrow the car?

Mom: [ to Dad ] Honey, can Kevin use the car tonight?

Dad: Oh.. sure, I don't see why not. [ hands Kevin the keys ] You might want to check the gas.

Mom: Dad said to check the gas..

Kevin: [ furious ] GOD!! That was ONE TIME!! ONE TIME!! CAn't you EVER let that go?!! [ calms down ] You know what.. you know what? I'm not gonna let this get this to me, alright? I'm just gonna go out, I'm gonna wish you guys a very nice evening, and I will see you later. [ exits ]

Dad: I can't wait for my own death.

Mom: I hear you..

[ fade ]

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