Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 4




98d: Ben Stiller / Alanis Morrisette

Rooftop Kung-Fu Fight

.....Ben Stiller
.....Lorne Michaels

[Opens with Ben Stiller smoking a cigarette on top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza admiring the city view at night]

Ben Stiller: Mmmm...[blows smoke] New York, you sweet lady. I'm back and I win this time cause I'm hosting! Yeah! You hear me New York?! I win. Me. Little Benji Stiller. How do you like me now?

Lorne Michaels: Stiller, what are you doing? It's time to start the show.

Ben Stiller: Oh, hey Lorne. [throws cigarette to the floor] Remember me? Used to be a featured cast member on your show about ten years ago? Used to cut all my pieces at dress? Yeah. Well guess what? I get to cut you!

Lorne Michaels: Damn it, Stiller. This isn't the time.

Ben Stiller: [aggressive] Oh, I say it is the time, old man.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah?

Ben Stiller: Yeah!

Lorne Michaels: Then come get some.

Ben Stiller: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!

[Ben rushes into Lorne and he knees him twice in the stomach. Stiller ducks a wild swing from Lorne and goes between Lorne's legs. Stiller and Lorne exchange high flying karate kicks, Stiller rolls in the ground, gets up and gives a backhand fist to Lorne and a kick. They stare at each other with their guards up]

Lorne Michaels: You have grown strong, Ben Stiller.

Ben Stiller: You taught me well. Perhaps too well. [karate yell]

[Stiller headbutts Lorne and pushes him very near the edge of the building]

Lorne Michaels: Don't do this! I have money. I can make you rich.

Ben Stiller: It's too late for that!

Lorne Michaels: Wait, Ben. Benjamin...listen to me.

Ben Stiller: What?!

Lorne Michaels: I am your father.

Ben Stiller: [anguished] Noooooooo!!!!!

[Lorne lifts him up and throws him from the rooftop]

Lorne Michaels: I know he's gonna be late for the monologue.

[Ben falling towards the ground]

Ben Stiller: LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!

[opening montage begins]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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