Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 5






98e: David Spade / Eagle-Eye Cherry

Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love

Lawrence Greekmont.....Will Ferrell
Paula Only.....Ana Gasteyer
Patrick Jexson.....David Spade

Announcer: Now it's time for "Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love", with your host, Lawrence Greekmont.

Lawrence Greekmont: Hello, and welcome to another edition of "Accruing Equity and Making Hot, Sweet Love". I'm Lawrence Greekmont. With me today, from Stein, Young & Rowe, is Patrick Jexson.

Patrick Jexson: It's a pleasure to be here.

Lawrence Greekmont: And, from the Vanguard Group, Paula Only.

Paula Only: Hello, Lawrence. It's been quite a day on the market.

Lawrence Greekmont: It certainly has. The Dow shot up 120, while the NASDAQ fell off 4 1/2 in heavy trading.. but, first, let's talk about love making.

[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]

Last night, I.. was with my night companion, Heather. We slowly stripped for each other.. and then I went around back for some smiles. Pools of sweat on her back.. mouth agape, wordless in pleasure.. the subtle aroma of peaches.. our own language of moans.. breathy grunts.. Yeah! Yeah! Yea-ea-eah..

[ regular studio lights return ]

Paula, how's the National Index? Has the projected IMF bailout of Korea affected trading?

Paula Only: Well, absolutely. You know, the renewed advisory capacity of the IMF has created very, very optimistic overseas trading?

Lawrence Greekmont: What about steamy lovemaking? Have you done any lately?

Paula Only: Oh, yeah. I've done some.

[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]

My doorman is always giving me looks. He's an Alec Baldwin type, except with long sideburns and a dead eye. Last Monday, we found ourselves locked together in a Chinese retin sex swing, gently dangling over a zebra pelt. Tangled limbs.. clenched hands.. pain and pleasure mixing into an erotic goulash of pain and fluid.. two moist, muscular adults.. every flick of the tongue designed to make the other groan.. just groan.. groan.. [ makes prgasmic sound ]

[ regular studio lights return, as Patrick Jexson draws closer to Paula, pushed away by Lawrence ]

Lawrence Greekmont: Patrick, we'll turn to you now.

Patrick Jexson: Yes!

Lawrence Greekmont: Uh.. there's been some rumblings that Greenspan will lower interest rates on the 17th. Will that create any real growth?

Patrick Jexson: Well, a spike created by the adjustment wouldn't affect our "long-term" strategies. I think last week's reported 3% growth in our national economy is much more substantial.

Lawrence Greekmont: Now, you were bullish on Allied, even after the -

Patrick Jexson: [ getting down to business ] Yes.. her name was Mindy..

[ regular studio lights go low, as red mood lighting rises ]

I met her at Wendy's.. with the pick-up line, "Hey, Mindy. You're name kinda rhymes with this place." Immediately, she wanted to get it on in the bathroom. But I got too much class for that. So we climbed up on a roof.. I pulled down my underpants seductively.. I pointed to my peepee.. and I said, "Do stuff to this." Then, a couple of security guards climbed up and told us to beat it. I decided to get coy. I said, "Why don't you beat this?" That's when one of them tasered my nads. I have to admit, I kinda leaned into it.

[ regular studio lights return ]

Lawrence Greekmont: [ disturbed ] Alright, uh.. you know, why don't we look at, uh.. this week's most active stocks..

[ regular studio lights go low again, as red mood lighting rises ]

Patrick Jexson: [ continuing ] When I felt that electric charge go through my private particulars, I though, "Me likee." Then, things got pretty awesome. It was me, Mindy, two security guards, in a romantic four-way on a roof of a Wendy's, and, oh, it was a killer. It's a week later, and I still smell like a single cheese with no onions.. and Aquavelva. Oh, yeah! [ moans orgasmically and leans over to Lawrence and Paula, who cower away in fear ]

[ regular studio lights return ]

Lawrence Greekmont: Okay, we're out of time. Join us next week, we'll tell you how Greenspan's announcements affects the market. And I'll tell you about my encounter with an anonymous hand in a bathroom stall.

[ fade out ]


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