Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 6




98f: Joan Allen / Jewel

Space: The Infinite Frontier

Harry Carey.....Will Ferrell
Linda Ham.....Joan Allen

Death hasn't stopped former Cubs broadcaster Harry Carey from hosting "Space: The Infinite Frontier". His guest is Linda Ham, the flight director for John Glenn's return to space:

Harry Carey: Now, tell us: what was it like working with an American legend like John Glenn?

Linda Ham: Well.. Senator Glenn was, um.. [ pause ] ..an inspiration.. I.. I'm sorry.. Please, please forgive me for asking this, but didn't you die?

Harry Carey: Yes, I did. What's your point?

Linda Ham: Uh.. oh.. nothing..

Harry Carey: Good. Hey! So they shot the shuttle Discovery up into space!

Linda Ham: Yes.

Harry Carey: Is that thing ever coming back?

Linda Ham: Uh, it landed a week ago.

Harry Carey: How many survivors?

Linda Ham: Everyone survived, Harry.

Harry Carey: Oh. That's a relief. [ long pause ] Hey, Linda! What was it like inventing the space shuttle?

Linda Ham: Uh.. I didn't invent the shuttle.

Harry Carey: Well, I wonder, whoever did, made a lot of money! And then, I bet he tried to invent something else. But it wasn't as good. Life can sometimes turn your greatest successes into your most crushing defeats!

Linda Ham: [ not sure how to respond ] Yeah.. I guess that's right..

Harry Carey: Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Linda Ham! Does your name ever make you hungry?

Linda Ham: No. No.

Harry Carey: Well, it makes me hungry! One time, I named a sandwich "Linda". It was a beautiful sandwich! And guess what kind of sandwich it was.

Linda Ham: I don't know. Ham?

Harry Carey: I guess. I don't know. Hey, Linda! When are we finally going to get over to Mars?

Linda Ham: Well, there is a manned expedition being discussed..

Harry Carey: No! I mean you and me! We could make an evening of it. We'll head over to Mars, and I'll bring my sandwich "Linda". And we can make sloppy Martian love in the back of my dunebuggy. So, what do you say? Is it a date? It's a simple question: Do you want to go to Mars with a dead guy and a sandwich? Yes or no?

Linda Ham: Uh.. no..

Harry Carey: Yeah, you're right.. it probably wouldn't work out. But it doesn't hurt to be a dreamer! If we didn't dream, we wouldn't have the space shuttle.

Linda Ham: That's right, Harry. That's a very good point.

Harry Carey: Also, if we didn't dream, our brains would devour themselves, in madness and paranoia. The Viet Cong knew that. That's why they used sleep deprivation as a form of torture! [ long drawn-out pause ] Anyway, that's all the time we have! Hey! Join us next week at nine o'clock Eastern time, and watch me eat an entire planet! [ stagehand whispers in Harry's ear ] Oh! Thanks, Pete! That's actually eight o'clock Eastern time. I'm still going to eat a planet! See you then! Cubs win! Cubs win!
[ fade out ]


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