98f: Joan Allen / Jewel
Suel Forrestor.....Chris Kattan
Court Reporter.....Molly Shannon
Judge: This is case number 474J. The people of Mississippi versus Steven Harris. Mr. Harris you are charged with one count of murder in the first degree. Mrs. Wallace, is the state ready for their first opening argument?
Wallace: we are, your honor.
Wallace: Good morning. The facts in this case will show on the night of August first, the defendant, Steven Harris, brutally murdered his employer. This was a cold blooded killing and nothing else. Thank you.
Judge: Mr. Forrester, your opening statement.
Suel Forrestor: Ladies and gentleman of the ju-day. I like to tart off, take a tide off, for bein here tday. We preciate it. NAH! Ima putta dat dat a shattawa bat. Vat my cient is a ide at. S! Ask yourself, You execue intima man.
[slaps jury box]
Steven: Are you sure they under—
Suel Forrestor: dodatdodat (pushing fingers in Steven’s face to shut him up.)
Judge: Mrs. Wallace, would you like to call your first witness?
Wallace: Ah..I don’t comprehend a word the defense council has said but …uhm, the people call Nathan Barnett to the stand.
Wallace: Mr. Barnett, I am to understand that you worked with the accused. Can you tell us what happened on the morning of August 1st?
Nathan: Yes ma’am. Steve came to work real agitated like and he said he was going to kill Buby Ryan, our boss.
Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on, yo hona!
Judge: Did you just call me a chicken?
Suel Forrestor: No, juggs. I sai – Ob-jeck-on-a-roll, dat , tella tally a headay.
Judge: Overruled… .. I think.
Wallace: And then, uh, what did the defendant do?
Nathan: Well, he took out a gun and shot Bubby six times. And then he stabbed him like one time, then he hit him over the head with a chair. It was God awful.
Wallace: No further questions.
Judge: Mr. Forrester, your witness.
Suel Forrestor: Mista bar-day. Can you ah… can you ah tie a tittie? Zachly…hayoda dafidady? Excuse me. Afiddady?
Suel Forrestor: Timplequestion. Tie a tittie…goahead!
Nathan: Uh.. I uh.. I don’t—know?
Suel Forrestor: So you don’t dosido, do yah?
Nathan: ….Do si do…??
Suel Forrestor: Did I juss hear ya say dosido!? Nahdosido…dosido ……………..But do…si…do. [slaps jury box]
Wallace: Mr. Barnett – I don’t know what Mr. Forrester is going for…Did you witness Steven Harris murder your boss? Did you or did you not?
Nathan: Yes, ma’am. Yes I did.
Suel Forrestor: Ob-jeck-on hona go!! Dis prostritue is alle-aweea.
Wallace: Your honor, I will not sit here and stand here while this man calls me a prostitute!!
Suel Forrestor: Ah commacommacommacommacommacamellea. I din call you no protitue.
Judge: Sustained. Mr. Forrester, You may redirect.
Suel Forrestor: Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee oodabotta.
Nathan: Ahh..uhh. Ahh.. uhmm..
Suel Forrestor: You know, I gottadrinkaprobee.
Nathan: Ahm..No! …….? Wait… yes?
Suel Forrestor: Nee ah remin you. You adda oates.
Nathan: Hall and Oates???v
Wallace: This is ridiculous, your honor. Can the court reporter read back the question?
Court Reporter: [very confused] Mista Ba-day. Id-ea true you gotta si da dee ooda drinky poppa.
Suel Forrestor: Aiight. I ga sumtin to shoyah. Ta ah loo at AZZHIBI A!!!
Suel Forrestor: [mocks stuttering] Somebody tell me what this man is sayin cuz I dun undastan!
Nathan: I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMO! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!! I MURDERED BUBBY RYAN!!! [weeps]
Suel Forrestor: [clearly] I rest my case.
[Applause erupts in courtroom.]
Judge: Order! Order! I won’t have that in this court room! Order! Order!!
Submitted by: Lauren Leasure