98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show
Antonio Banderas.....Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez.....Jimmy Fallon
Guitarrists.....Darrell Hammond, Chris Parnell
Gina Cutter.....Jennifer Love Hewitt
[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up "The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas." Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]
Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio...y Banderas. I am...[whispers] actor! Welcome to The...how do you say?...Ah yes....Show. Now, say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.
[band plays some notes]
Guadalupe: Thank you my friend, yes!
[band plays two notes]
Antonio: You...you are so the sexy!
Guadalupe: NO, NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, YES!...[his bandmates start agreeing with him; Antonio laughs] YES, MY FRIEND! ¡SÍ, SÍ! YOU SEXY!
Antonio: Gracias. I mean...graci-ass.
Antonio: No I don't.
Antonio: [exhales] Let's be seriousness now. [band resumes soft music] For a moment. No more jokey stuff. None of the ha-has. Please, put the hands together for tonight's very special breast. She is a young woman...es...she is the recycling chairman of her college juniversity. Please welcome Miss Gina Cutter.
[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Gina comes in. Antonio kisses her hand and gives her a rose. Gina sits down. The music stops.]
[band plays two notes; Antonio sits down]
Gina Cutter: Thank you, Mr. Banderas.
Antonio: No. No no no, no, no no no. Call me..."The Sexy."
Gina: Okay, Mr. Sexy...
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] ¡TÚ MR. SEXY! YES! ¡TÚ SEXY!
Antonio: [laughs; Gina smells the rose] This is true....It is getting hot in here, no?
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] A little hot, yes.
Antonio: Well, [stands up] I think I'll just...
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO!...NO, PLEASE! NO, NO! TOO SEXY! NO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! NO, NO! IT'S TOO SEXY! PLEASE! [cheers]
Antonio: But I must. [band plays fast music while he undoes a button on his shirt]...Thank you. [sits back down] Okay. Now we have a good time.
[starts looking at Gina's breasts] Wait an hour here! What is this?
Antonio: I did not bro-- uh, notice that you brought your friends. [motions to Gina's breasts]...Who - who are your friends? And - and what is their names?
Gina: [clutching her chest] My friends?
Antonio: Shh! Don't wake them....Don't close their eyes. [puts Gina's hands down]...They are tucked in and sleeping like two friendly, boobily things....You know, the kind you like to hang like ornaments from a Christmas train....Very sexy.
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY! VERY SEXY! [laughs]
Gina: Wait a minute, aren't you married to Melanie Griffith?
Antonio: [laughs] Sí. I am betrothed to her. She is, uh...how do you say...ah yes. Old, and not here.
Gina: [appalled] That - that is your wife you're talking about! That is not very nice!
Antonio: [getting gradually closer to Gina's face] Shhhhh...[touches Gina's lip] shh-poo-poo! Listen to me. You can make the lips move, but don't make a sound.
Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] VERY SEXY, YES! VERY, VERY SEXY, SIR! PLEASE! [Antonio raises his finger]...Very sorry.
Antonio: It is hot in here, no?
Gina: No, it's not hot at all.
Antonio: Well then, in that case... [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO, NO! PLEASE, NO! DON'T DO IT! NO, SEÑOR! PLEASE, NO! IT'S SIMPLY LOCO! ¡QUÉ BAMBINO! DON'T DO IT! NO! [cheers]
Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the next button on his shirt]...Okay. [grabs his zipper] Maybe I should let my [faster music] friend to come out to play for-- no....[music stops; sits back down] Okay.
Now....Now is the time-- [calms the audience down] please, let's, come on. Now is the time of the show when I have the sex with you. [turns to Gina]
Gina: [shocked] What?! No! [Antonio starts to get on top of her] No!
Antonio: No, I am sorry. All of a sudden, I hear nothing. But I must warn you: I can be very loud. I like to scream some quotes from my movie, Evita. [winks]
Gina: Oh my God! I am 19, you creep!
Antonio: In my country, you are past the prime. [winks]
Gina: [tries to fight him off] No, I made a big mistake coming here!
Antonio: Ohh! Yes, you are right! It is truly hot in here. Maybe I should just do something about it. [stands up]
Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO! NO, PLEASE! IT'S TOO SEXY! NO! NO! LET'S-- MI AMIGO, PLEASE! HEY, SEÑOR! IT'S TOO SEXY! NO!
Antonio: But I must! [band plays loud, fast music while he tries to take his shirt off and advance toward Gina] NOW! I WILL HAVE THE SEX WITH YOU! I HAVE YOUR ARM, THAT WILL BE MINE! [Gina puts her hand in his face and leaves in a hurry] COME ON! COME ON! LET'S DO IT NOW!
[music becomes soft; Antonio sits back down with his shirt half off]
She will be back. For she is like a bird. And I am like a tiger. And when we make the sex, we will produce a bird...ger....Well, you know what I'm saying. Well! We will see you next time on The...[music stops momentarily] how do you say? Ah yes. Show.
[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson