98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
The Ladies' Man
Leon Phelps.....Tim Meadows
Caller #1.....Chris Parnell
Caller #2.....Molly Shannon
Caller #3.....Colin Quinn
Caller #4.....Will Ferrell
[fade up to Leon Phelps sitting in his room with "The Ladies' Man" superimposed; lights are down]
Voiceover: Oh yeah! It's time for The Ladies' Man!
[title fades out, lights come up]
Leon Phelps: Yeah. All right. Yeah, what's happenin'? What's happening? Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "The Ladies' Man"! The loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries! I'm Leon Phelps, how you all doin' tonight? Yeah? [cheers and some applause] Good. That's good. I am doing all right. You see, I got my [shows bottle of Courvoisier] bottle of Courvoisier right here. Oh yeah! And of course, I got my [grabs a Pilgrim hat and puts it on] Pilgrim's hat right here! That's right!
Because tonight's show is my very special Thanksgiving show. And this is exactly how a smooth operatin' Pilgrim might dress, way back then in the 1840s, you know? That is, if he wanted to get some-- poke some hontas. [laughs]...If you know what I'm sayin', and I think you do!
So uh, now let's get into the holiday spirit and, uh, take some calls, all right? So...go ahead, caller, you got "The Ladies' Man."
Caller #1: [is nervous] H - hey, hello, Ladies' Man. I'm gonna meet my girlfriend's parents for the first time this Thanksgiving, and I'm pretty nervous.
Leon: Well, yeah, I understand. Um...you want to get it on with her mother?
Caller #1: [shocked] No!...No, it is just I've never met them before, and it's a little scary.
Leon: Oh, okay, I see now. How many months pregnant is your girlfriend?
Caller #1: She's not pregnant!
Leon: Well...th - then have you given her some sort of venereal disease?
Caller #1: [outraged] No!
Leon: Well then, then why are you so nervous? Uh, you sound...you sound like a fine, upstandin', disease-free young man! Enjoy the free meal, and if you get the opportunity to do it with her mother, then take it, okay? Cheers and good luck.
Next caller...[takes a sip of Courvoisier]
Caller #2: [is sad and talks softly] Hi, Ladies' Man.
Leon: Ooh! It's a lady!
Caller #2: Ladies' Man, I get so lonely around the holidays.
Leon: [thoughtfully] Mmm...
Caller #2: I sometimes think about taking my own life.
Leon: Well, that's good.
Caller #2: Oh, no! I'm lonely and miserable!
Leon: Oh, well, that is not good! Um...but I think that I can help. Let me ask you a question, um...do you weigh in excess of 250 pounds?
Caller #2: No.
Leon: Well, that is wonderful because you qualify to participate in my annual Thanksgiving Day dinner for all ladies who are lonely and under 250 pounds....I like to call it Leon [cut to graphic that reads "All skanks under 250 lbs. invited/Leon Phelp's Skanksgiving Dinner/beer, turkey loaf"] Phelps' Skanksgiving Day Dinner.
[dissolve to Leon]
And I hope that you will come, because there will be a delicious...um, turkey-like loaf, um...there are suitcases full of fine beer, and many skanks such as yourself in attendance, okay? Next caller?
Caller #3: [is bitter] Hey, Ladies' Man! I don't even want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year! All my family does is fight!
Leon: Oh now, well, don't say that! You know, Thanksgiving is a time to put aside all your petty arguments and come together and enjoy each other's company. Because [becomes increasingly choked up]...basically, even though you've grown apart...you still a family! The family is so important...because...
Caller #3: Ladies' Man, are you all right?
Leon: [back to normal] Yeah, I'm all right. It's just that, you know, you reminded me of a Thanksgiving from my past, and i - it was not good. You see, I shot my brother during Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, you know, he was not acting very cool, so I shot him with one of the three guns I always bring to Thanksgiving dinner. He did not die, but he now has just one arm. Okay?
So anyway, to make a long story short, and to answer your question...um, I think you should try doin' it in the butt.
Caller #3: What?!
Leon: [after a long pause] I'm sorry, I forgot what we were talkin' about here. I have no idea. But I'm sure that that answer will suffice. I better...I better take another call...
Caller #4: Uh, i - is this "The Ladies' Man"?
Leon: Yeah, you got Leon Phelps, the Ladies' Man.
Caller #4: Uh, Ladies' Man, uh, when my wife and I stay at my parents' house for the holidays, I - I find I - I can't [Leon takes a sip of Courvoisier] perform sexually. I - is there something wrong with me?
Leon: Yeah, there is somethin' wrong with you. I mean I, myself, have made love many times right in front of my parents, you know? I mean, I enjoyed it, they enjoyed it, you know? Now, I am no doctor, but it sounds to me like you have a penereal disease. Uh, what we call in the medical profession, it's called "scaredy wang." Yeah, your wang is scared. I suggest that you get over it soon before your wife hooks up with someone with a more courageous wang...and I'm not namin' any names, if you [points to his crotch] know what I mean! Yeah.
Okay, well, I hope that, uh, my commentary has been helpful to you. That's all the time that we have on "The Ladies' Man," but, before I go...[stands up; piano music begins playing] I would like to give thanks [lights dim] for the things that [a table with a cornucopia slides in front of him] I have been blessed with the most. Number one: a superior-performing wang...the Courvoisier truck that jackknifed in front of my house...that was good. And of course, the irrepressible human ass. Yeah! And as always, the ladies that I have made sweet love to this year. Ladies, you know who you are....And if you don't, here's an alphabetical list of your names.
[a long list of names begins scrolling]
So...Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! I will see you next time on "The Ladies' Man"!
[starts looking at the list of names]
Yeah! Oh yeah, I know I remember [title fades up over everything] that one! Oh baby, I gotta give her a call! Oh yeah!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson