Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 7

98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys

Saddam's Private Bunker

Saddam Hussein....Will Ferrell U.N. Inspector 1....Tim Meadows U.N. Inspector 2....Horatio Sanz U.N. Inspector 3....Chris Parnell

[Opens with shot of downtown buildings on Irak]

Caption: Tuesday, Nov. 17 1998.

[Cut to underground military bunker. U.N. Weapons Inspectors take notes on their clipboards]

U.N. Inspector 2: All right. This area looks clear.

U.N. Inspector 1: Ok.

Saddam Hussein: Well, look who has returned to torment the people of Irak. Listen, there are no chemical weapons here. Come on.

U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right. All right, Saddam, what's in that room over there?

[point to a door]

Saddam Hussein: That is my private bunker. There is nothing of interest in there for you.

U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, Saddam. You know the rules. Unfettered access to all sites. Ok? Come on, open up.

Saddam Hussein: Bro'. No room to hide weapons. Ok? Just my personal effects in there. You're wasting my time bro'.

U.N. Inspector 3: We'll be the judge of that.

Saddam Hussein: Be a bro'!

[They all go into a room that looks pretty much like a teenager's room. Poster of Pamela Anderson and school banners are on the walls, bed, nothing fancy]

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, so this is the inner sanctum of the great Hussein?

Saddam Hussein: Come on now, give me a break.

U.N. Inspector 2:[points to a Spice Girls poster]Oh, man! It must've broken your heart when Ginger left the group, huh?[laughs mockingly]

U.N. Inspector 3: Look at this place!

U.N. Inspector 1:[holding a graduation photo] Hey, nice picture jackass!

Saddam Hussein: Hey, come on. Lay off. I was in high school, ok? C'mon.

U.N. Inspector 1: Yeah, right.[looks under the bed]What's under here?

Saddam Hussein:[panicked]There's nothing there!

U.N. Inspector 1: Really?[pulls out exercise machine]

Saddam Hussein: Oh, I forgot. It's my Chuck Norris Total Gym.[makes karate moves]

U.N. Inspector 3: It looks like its never been used.

Saddam Hussein: Well, it seems so easy on tape. But this thing's too unstable. You guys should inspect the factories that make this crap, huh?

U.N. Inspector 1:[pulls out book]Hey, look at what the great dictator is reading![Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus by John Gray]

Saddam Hussein: Come on! I thought the same thing. I bought it as a joke but I learned a lot, my wife, she doesn't want me to solve her problems, she just wants me to listen to her.

U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, oh. Look what I got.[pulls out an LP]

U.N. Inspector 1: What did you find?

U.N. Inspector 2: CC Music Factory!![laughs hard, everyone cracks up]

Saddam Hussein: Ok, that's not mine! That's not mine! That's my old lady's! Come on!

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, sure it's not yours. Nice sheets.[looks under the mattress]Uh, look at this fellas![pulls out a few catalogs] Oooh!! Victoria Secret's!

Saddam Hussein: I don't have to explain those![grabs the catalogs] Not to you!

U.N. Inspector 3: [pulls out little notebook]Hey, check this out, check this out.[mocking voice] "Dear Diary: That guy from the Daily Show called me Saddam Insane. Does he think that's funny, even though I've heard it since the second grade, it still hurts.

[passes diary to Inspector 2]

Saddam Hussein: That's clearly not a weapon. Hand that back!

U.N. Inspector 2: Oh, wait.[mocking voice]"Dear Diary: On Dawson's Creek Pacey cheated with Christina and then Andy found out, she was devastated. I felt the same way when I had my son in law executed.

Saddam Hussein: Hey!, it isn't funny!

[Tries to take back the diary, trips on his bed, Inspector 2 passes the diary to Inspector 1. Saddam sits on his bed all sad]

U.N. Inspector 1: Hey, fellas! Listen! "Dear Diary: The U.N. Weapons Inspectors returned to Baghdad today. It's been two weeks since they've been here. I miss them.[sentimental music]We argue a lot but I know they care about me. I can't wait to see them because they are my only true friends. I love them. Saddam, we didn't know you felt this way.

[they gather around Saddam]

Saddam Hussein:[crying]It's hard for me to express my emotions and uuhh...John Gray talks about it in his book don't want to hear it....

U.N. Inspector 1: Oh, come on Saddam, I think I speak for all the guys when I say we feel the same way.

[The 3 Inspectors give Saddam a group hug]

Saddam Hussein:[chokes, sobs]You guys are the best.

U.N. Inspector 1: Come on, man. Give it up. Give it up.

Saddam Hussein: You guys are the best[cries]That felt very good. It hasn't happened in a long time. Hey, you want to know where I hide the Anthrax?

U.N. Inspectors: Yeah!!

Saddam Hussein: You guys are not gonna believe it. You guys were so close. I was sure you were going to find it.

U.N. Inspector 1: Really? I was so close?

[Happy music plays, Saddam and the Inspectors leave the room happy as clams]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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