98g: Jennifer Love Hewitt / Beastie Boys
Weekend update with Colin Quinn
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: The top story-- thank you. The top story: the impeachment hearings. I know, it's boring. Everybody pretends they watch it, but they don't. But I had to watch it for this. All right, here are some of the best and brightest upon which our n - nation's future hangs upon.
You got David Kendall, Clinton's attorney. His other client is The National Enquirer. All right? That's true. That's dangerous, he gets his files mixed up, you know what could happen?...Nothin'. It would stay the same, but still...
Then there's Clinton's new special counsel, Greg Craig. First of all, who the hell is named "Greg Craig"? You can either be named "Greg" or "Craig." You can't have both. You can't be "Greg Craig."...You know what this guy did before this? He represented John Hinckley when he shot Clint-- Reagan. That's a - that's a hardcore Democrat right there, all right? He represented Hinckley, and he still gets a prestigious job like this. Of course! Nobody wants to get on his bad side. He's tight with Hinckley. He's probably got, like, an autographed copy of Taxi Driver at his house, you know? "To Greg, Are you talkin' to me? Ha ha. Your friend, John." You know...
Then on the other side, there's the Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, Henry Hyde. He cheated on his wife, too, and he's in charge of this thing! He called it "a youthful indiscretion," and he was 45! This is all true! "Hey Henry, are those pimples?" "No, they're liver spots." All right?...He's a little too old to be residing over these hearings, anyway. Did you see how many times he left to go to the men's room during the hearings? He took more bathroom breaks than Calista Flockhart at Thanksgiving dinner. [groans] Ah, come on, folks! I had to say it!
Now...now...where was Clinton during all this, you ask? In Japan!...During the whole thing. You gotta give it to him. Everybody else is in Washington in the cold, in gray suits fighting over him; Clinton's sitting in a Japanese hot tub getting an inappropriate sponge bath, all right? Just trying to help the Jap - Japanese economy 300 yen at a time. ¡Ándale! Let's do the news! [laughs]
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh, folks! Folks, what can I say? I'm Colin Quinn.
At a televised town meeting in Japan this week, President Clinton was asked by a Japanese woman how he apologized to Hillary and Chelsea for his affair with Monica Lewinsky. President Clinton responded by screaming, "Look! Godzilla!" and then ran away.
Repredent-- Representative J.C. Watts of Oklahoma has been made the conference chairman for the Republican Party. House Majority Leader Dick Armey said this will go a long way to change the perception of the Republicans from, quote, "the party for wealthy white men" to the, quote, "party for wealthy white men and that black guy."...House Republicans are so excited about this that they've given him his own bathroom and water fountain.
Sam Dash, folks....Never mind that. Sam Dash. Sam Dash, Ken Starr's ethics advisor, abruptly resigned yesterday to protest Starr's decision to testify in the House impeachment hearing against President Clinton. In a related story, President Clinton met with his ethics [photo of Tom Cruise] advisor.
On her tape-recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky...on her tape-recorded conversation with Monica Lewinsky, folks, Linda Tripp said that she can't imagine herself having phone sex. That's funny, that's the only kind of sex I can imagine her having. [cheers and applause] Ah!...Come on, she's not that bad! [chuckles] Shows you where I'm at.
This week...this week, George Stephanopoulos said that Monica Lewinsky used to bring him double lattes every morning, but his secretary wouldn't let her see him. Whenever she would come by, Stephanopoulos' assistants would hide him in a shoebox.
A...a new Palestinian airport is set to open in the Gaza Strip next week. The airport has excited people in the area with the influx of many new employment opportunities, although there are still numerous openings for one position: baggage handler....All right.
A Russian magazine...see, I'm readin' 'em all. Russia, aahh! You read 'em all. A Russian magazine reported that many of the missiles they displayed during the Cold War were empty, hollowed-out, wooden decoys. The U.S. admits that during the '80s, we used wooden decoys as well. [photo of Ronald Reagan; cheers and applause]
Puff Daddy's producer, D-Dot, was arrested for beating a magazine editor this week. D-Dot pleaded innocent, saying, "Hey, come on, we weren't beating him up, we were just remixing his face."
Janet Allen wants to use DNA testing to prove her claim that she is descended from a child George Washington had with one of his slaves. Allen said she just wants to be acknowledged by the Washington family and recover as many of these portraits [photo of a $1 bill] of her ancestor as she can. [cheers and applause]...Riiight?
This week in Las Vegas, Dennis Rodman married Carmen Electra. This announcement angered David Arquette and Courtnex Cox, who said, "Hey, we were supposed to be the most asinine marriage of the year."
Reports claim that Rodman may have been legally intoxicated at the time of the marriage. Look, I've been drunk plenty in my life, [disgusted] but I never, ever woke up next to a Carmen Electra. Ugh!...Being ironic, folks. Come on! All right.
This week, Baltimore police arrested a 36-year-old man who they said is a cat burglar of the-- burglar of the rich and famous. The rich and famous in Baltimore. Big deal, so the guy took some CDs from Rafael Palmiero!...Big deal!
This holiday season...selected boxes of Cracker Jacks will contain certificates redeemable for 1,000-dollar gold rings and 400-dollar silver cufflinks. Cracker Jack explained they're trying to expand their customer base to include more pimps and small-time Mafioso.
Well! It looks like Kate Moss will be in rehab for longer than she expected. The center she checked herself into said the program takes at least one month, and they want to make sure she doesn't slip through the cracks....The people you defend...
This week, the Reverend Al Sharpton was involved in a car accident when the van he was driving smashed into a car, causing a multiple chain reaction. Apparently, it started as just two vehicles, but Sharpton incited it into a 10-car pile-up. [cheers and applause]...Uhh...
Meet Joe Black...he's in the red!...Or as I like to call it, Brad, I Know What You Shouldn't Have Did Last Summer. [little reaction] [under breath] Oh, come on, folks.
And finally, pop singer Björk turned 33 today. Hey Björk, happy bjirthday!
I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! Thank you! Thank you!
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson