Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 9





98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams

Bill Brasky on Wall Street

First Friend of Brasky.....John Goodman
Second Friend of Brasky.....Will Ferrell
Third Friend of Brasky.....Alec Baldwin
Woman.....Ana Gasteyer

[ open on interior, Bull & Bear Pub ]

Second Friend of Brasky: Hey, do you fellas know a.. a guy by the name Bill Brasky?!!

First Friend of Brasky: Yeah, I know Bill Brasky! He's a 10-foot-tall beast man, who showers in Vodka.. and feeds his baby Shrimp Scampi..

Third Friend of Brasky: Best damn trader on the Bull Market!

First Friend of Brasky: He orchestrated the merger between UNICEF.. and Smith & Wesson.

Third Friend of Brasky: Brasky went public with his own buttocks.. and made $7 million.

Second Friend of Brasky: [ holds glass in air ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Did I ever tell you about the time Bill Brasky went hunting?!

Third Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I masturbate to the Teletubbies!

[ silence ]

Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits! He stomps and chews every one of them with a machete. They all begged for their lives.. except.. Fleagle!

First Friend of Brasky: We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake.. before we could tell him there was a stripper in it..

Third Friend of Brasky: Brasky once hosted the Grammy's, and gave every award to Corey Hart!

Second Friend of Brasky: He has a toenail on the end of his penis!

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky got his wife pregnant.. and she gave birth to a delicious 16 oz. steak..

Third Friend of Brasky: The afterbirth was sauteed muchrooms!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky's family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky ranked 18th.. in the AP College Football Poll..

Third Friend of Brasky: [ thrusting glass in the air ] To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Woman: [ walking up ] Excuse me, do you know where the payphone is?

Third Friend of Brasky: Piss off, sister! And get us some pretzels!

First Friend of Brasky: [ waving her off ] Yeah!

Woman: You guys smell awful. [ walks off ]

Third Friend of Brasky: [ unaffected ] Did I ever tell about the time Brasky was in a production of "The King & I"?

Second Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] Every morning I crap the bed!

[ silence ]

Third Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. on opening night, Brasky chloroformed the entire cast.. and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours! The production got pretty good reviews..

First Friend of Brasky: He breast-feeds John Madden!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na! They did not want to be called that..

Third Friend of Brasky: If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds".

First Friend of Brasky: They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee Stadium!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in heels!

Third Friend of Brasky: He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom!

First Friend of Brasky: All.. the Yes album covers.. are Brasky Family photos.

Third Friend of Brasky: Darryl Hawkins has a summer home in Brasky's groin!

First Friend of Brasky: [ almost tossing glass into the air ] To Bill Braskey!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Second Friend of Brasky: Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Brasky taught his son how to drive?

First Friend of Brasky: [ interrupting ] I'm.. legally.. retarded!

[ silence ]

Second Friend of Brasky: Anyway.. Braskey taught his son to drive by entering him into the Indy 500. The kid wrecked, and died. Brasky said, "It would have happened sometime!"

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human!

Second Friend of Brasky: Like the guys in "Terminator 2"!

First Friend of Brasky: Brasky still believes in Santa Claus! And he wants to put him in porno films..

Third Friend of Brasky: He thinks Iron-Man is gay!

First Friend of Brasky: He framed Roger Rabbit!

Second Friend of Brasky: Brasky used to ride upon a steed, perchance to spy a lady..

Third Friend of Brasky: The character Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky.. except for the part about planting appleseeds and not raping men!

First Friend of Brasky: He gave a hand job to a mannaray!

Second Friend of Brasky: [ screams something unintelligible ]

Third Friend of Brasky: I hear ya', buddy.

First Friend of Brasky: To Bill Brasky!

Together: Bill Brasky!!

Big Booming Voice: [ comes from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] I'M BILL BRASKY, AND I JUST CORNERED THE MARKET ON BOOZE! WHO WANTS A DRINK?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Bill Brasky ]

Together: Bill Brasky!!



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