Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 9

98i: Alec Baldwin / Luciano Pavarotti & Vanessa Williams

Morning Latte

Tom Wilkins.....Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye.....Cheri Oteri
Nate.....Alec Baldwin

[ Music starts ]

Announcer: Good Morning! Grab a cup and get ready to fill it with "Morning Latte!"

[ end music, center on Tom and Cass, who both laugh to start the show ]

Tom Wilkins: Good morning!

Cass Van Rye: Whooo!

Tom Wilkins: Welcome to Morning Latte!

Cass Van Rye: Whoo!

Tom Wilkins: Iím Tom Wilkins!

Cass Van Rye: Oh! And Iím Cass Van Rye!

Tom Wilkins: Happy holidays!

Cass Van Rye: Happy holidays! Whoo! Hey! How about this warm weather weíve been having?

Tom Wilkins: Oh! All over the country!

Cass Van Rye: Beautiful!

Tom Wilkins: I love it!

Cass Van Rye: Me too!

Tom Wilkins: What about you, Nate? How about that warm weather?

Cass Van Rye: Nate!

Nate: Well, sadly, guys the weather may be due to a global warming trend.

Tom Wilkins: What? What was that?

Cass Van Rye: Nate, our newest producer, Nate Matthews, everyone.

Tom Wilkins: What was that, Nate?

Nate: Global Warming. The deadly hole in the ozone layer. Creating dangerously high carbon dioxide levels.

[ show Cass and Tom, who seem confused. They pause ]

Cass Van Rye: Well, then, halleluah global warming 'cause it's gorgeous!

Tom Wilkins: Beautiful! You said it!

Cass Van Rye: It is gorgeous!

Tom Wilkins: You said it! Hey how about Nateís tree trimming party over the weekend?

Cass Van Rye: Oh! What fun!

Nate: Yeah, it was fun. Actually, Iím surprised you two made it because I told my assistant not to send you invitations.

[ Tom and Cass both laugh hysterically ]

Cass Van Rye: You know whatís funny, Nate? I really didnít get one.

Tom Wilkins: Oh? No? You didnít?

Cass Van Rye: It mustíve been a mistake.

Tom Wilkins: Well, anyway, the party was a blast. Oh, Oh, except for the tree fiasco right Nate?

Cass Van Rye: Uh oh! Uh oh! [ laughs ]

Nate: Yeah, I couldíve done without that.

Tom Wilkins: First of all, Cass runs up to me, and my wife Gail, in hysterics screaming, "The treeís on fire! The treeís on fire!"

Cass Van Rye: Well, thank God I got everyone out of the house before the fire department came. Well, here, it turns out, that the tree wasnít on fire, it was just a couple of dirty trailer-park people smoking a marijuana cigarette in the bedroom.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass Van Rye: Yeah, can you believe that? Nate, did you ever find out who the lowlives were?

Nate: Uh yes, my brother and his wife.

Tom Wilkins: Ok.

Cass Van Rye: Well, it was a beautiful tree. It was a beautiful tree, wasnít it?

Tom Wilkins: Yes, it was.

Cass Van Rye: It was, and Iím Jewish.

Tom Wilkins: You are Jewish, yes.

Cass Van Rye: I mean I just plug in a menorah because Iím Jewish.

Tom Wilkins: Yes!

Cass Van Rye: 'Cause Jewish people do that.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, we know that.

Cass Van Rye: They just plug in a menorah.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, you already said that.

Cass Van Rye: Just light it up.

Tom Wilkins: Yes we know that, ok you already said that. Now speaking of beauty, letís talk about that beautiful new wife of yours, so young, Nate.

Cass Van Rye: Yes, sheís a stunner!

Tom Wilkins: Oh!

Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate, this is your second marriage. Not your first, your second?

Nate: Second, yes. Hey! Guys! What about todayís show, weíve got "Grizzly Adams" himself, Dan Hagerty.

[ Tom pauses and thinks ]

Tom Wilkins: Youíre right, itís his second marriage.

Cass Van Rye: Yes!

Tom Wilkins: Because Gail, Gail and I are friends with his first wife of eighteen years, Mary Pat.

Cass Van Rye: Well maybe they wouldíve stayed together longer if her name was "Mary Jane" [ Cass and Tom start laughing ]

Tom Wilkins: Maybe.

Cass Van Rye: Probably, right? Hey, by the way, how is Mary Pat since the divorce, do you know?

Tom Wilkins: Not good, not good. But Nateís doiní good, huh Nate?

Cass Van Rye: Yeah Nate! Huh!? Heís on a roll!

Tom Wilkins: Heís on a roll.

Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate, how old is the new wife? Nineteen? Twenty?

Nate: Sheíll be twenty-one in January.

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Now this is romantic. They met where she works, at the Banana Republic.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Ooh!

Cass Van Rye: Now, Nate she is the um, assistant manager, right?

Nate: Uh, no.

Cass Van Rye: Oh, just a salesgirl.

Tom Wilkins: Thatís ok!

Cass Van Rye: Thatís ok!

Tom Wilkins: Thatís ok!

Cass Van Rye: Thatís ok!

Tom Wilkins: Thatís ok!

Cass Van Rye: Sure! Thatís ok! Hey! At least sheís not smoking a marijuana cigarette.

Tom Wilkins: Absolutely, Cass, absolutely. Marijuana of course, the nationís number one killer next to diabetes and arthritis. Those are the top two.

Nate: [ annoyed ] Actually, heart disease is the number one killer. I know because it runs in my family.

Tom Wilkins: Is that why the whole family smokes marijuana?

Cass Van Rye: You know, I think itís a cure. Is that right, Nate? Is it a cure?

Nate: My whole family does not smoke marijuana and no, its not a cure. [ softly ] You stupid ass.

Tom Wilkins: Whatís that, Nate?

Nate: I said, since you asked.

Tom Wilkins: Oh!

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Ok!

Tom Wilkins: Well Nate, I respect your familyís medical troubles, but I still say diabetes is number one.

Cass Van Rye: Me too.

Tom Wilkins: And of course, diabetes is..

Cass Van Rye: When you see double.

Tom Wilkins: No, no. Itís when your blood sugar runs too high.

Cass Van Rye: High blood. Itís high.

Tom Wilkins: High blood. Right, Nate? Right?

[ Nate appears annoyed and gives no answer ]

Tom Wilkins: Now, Cass, you recently had troubles in your marriage, right?

Cass Van Rye: Yes, yes. Well, because of Nateís shenanigans, I asked my husband, Eli, if he would ever cheat on me with a younger woman.

Tom Wilkins: Or, or a fertile woman. Because - footnote - you canít have kids.

Cass Van Rye: No, thatís right, I cannot conceive. Well surprisingly, my husband said that he already did cheat on me.

Tom Wilkins: Oh! Oh!

Cass Van Rye: I forgot! I forgot!

Tom Wilkins: He did!

Cass Van Rye: He did!

Tom Wilkins: He did. So how did you resolve it, 'cause he took a major crap on you.

Nate: Iíd take a crap on her, too.

Tom Wilkins: What? What was that, Nate?

Cass Van Rye: Whatís that Nate? Newly-married Nate.

Nate: Uh, I said Grizzly Adams is here.

Tom Wilkins: Great.

Cass Van Rye: Ok. Well Iíll tell you something. [ pulls out letter ] This helped right here.

Tom Wilkins: Oh. Yeah.

Cass Van Rye: This letter he wrote to me. It, itís beautiful and Iíd like to share it with you. [ begins to cry ] I love this guy. Iíll try not to cry. [ begins reading ] "Dearest Cass. The word Ďsorryí cannot possibly describe my remorse for getting caught."

Tom Wilkins: Nice.

Cass Van Rye: [ continues reading ] Please know it was only you in my thoughts each and every time I was on top of her. [ stops reading, folds the letter back up ] Ok? Try not taking him back, huh?

Tom Wilkins: Iíd like to write that down.

Cass Van Rye: Try not taking him back.

Tom Wilkins: Can I write that down?

Cass Van Rye: Yes, heís a keeper.

Tom Wilkins: Iíd like to write that down.

Cass Van Rye: Heís a keeper.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass Van Rye: And! Plus! Hereís the cherry on top: He gave me a Zaleís diamond tennis bracelet!

Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Class Act! Class Act!

Cass Van Rye: Class Act!

Tom Wilkins: Heís a keeper! Hey! Speaking of class acts, we have Dan Hagerty! Ooh what an actor!

Cass Van Rye: Actor/singer! Hello! Iím holding his brand new Christmas CD entitled "Santa Bear".

Tom Wilkins: Ooh! Thatís nice!

Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams sings.

Tom Wilkins: Nice, Iím excited! [ Nate comes behind Tom and Cass and gives them gifts ] Hey, Nate, now what is this?

Cass Van Rye: Nate! Now what is this?

Tom Wilkins: Nate Matthews, everyone!

Cass Van Rye: Nate Matthews! What is this?

Nate: This is a gift my new wife and I baked for you both, happy holidays! Enjoy!

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Hey! Nate isnít she a little young to be near the stove? [ laughs ] Iím needliní ya! Iím needliní ya!

Nate: [ laughs ] I know, youíre a frigginí riot, youíre a frigginí riot.

Tom Wilkins: She should do stand-up. Give her a mike.

Cass Van Rye: People have said it. People have said that.

[ both open their gifts, which turn out to be gingerbread cookies shaped like boots ]

Tom Wilkins: Gingerbread cookies?

Cass Van Rye: Well! In the shape of a foot!? Whatís this?

Nate: Yeah, oneís mine and oneís my wifeís, we figured if you didnít like gingerbread you could shove emí up your ASS!

[ everyone gets quiet, as Cass and Tom are shocked ]

Nate: Hey, just kidding! Merry Christmas!

[ Cass and Tom both laugh hysterically ]

Cass Van Rye: Oh! Nate! You had us going!

Tom Wilkins: Weíll be right back.

Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams is here.

Tom Wilkins: Dan Hagerty.

Cass Van Rye: Grizzly Adams!

Tom Wilkins: Ooh!

[ music begins, fade to black ]

Submitted by: Blake Benham

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