98j: Bill Paxton / Beck
Weekend update with Colin Quinn
Elizabeth Dole.....Ana Gasteyer
[fade up to Colin Quinn standing in a dim Update studio]
Colin Quinn: Oh!
This week, senators were sorn - sworn in as jurors in the historic impeachment trial, only the second such trial in the history of the United States. Meanwhile, President Clinton went to a car show in Detroit. A car show. You don't get more hillbilly than that. All right? They have all these girls in the bathing suits, Clinton is not a strong man. He can't handle that! The Secret Service is gonna find him breaking in the back seat of a '99 Chrysler LeBaron.
And Clinton is cowering! And a lot of people are taking the fall for this guy; he has to stand up to these guys! Clinton should show up at the impeachment trial on Monday, just walk in in the middle of it, with a big-haired, tube-topped Ponderosa waitress with a Marlboro menthol hangin' out of her mouth, you know? He's like, "Hey, what's up, boys? I heard you talkin' about me, huh? You don't take me down, I take you down!" All right?
Clinton has Larry Flynt behind him, exposing Republicans in Hustler magazine. The Republicans have Star magazine talking about Clinton's illegitimate kids. This is a very high-brow war...we're fighting, all right? Right now, there are politicians all over the country telling their campaign managers, "Get me on the cover of Big Jugs! Whatever you gotta do!" Let's go do the news.
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin: Oh! Hi, I'm Colin Quinn. Thank you, folks! Thank ah!
Larry Flynt...[audience still cheering; laughs] Larry Flynt...let's not get-- Larry Flynt, of Hustler magazine, says that he will announce next week the name of another Republican who had an extramarital affair. In a related story, the House this week repealed the Americans with Disabilities Act. [late cheers and applause]
According to testimony...according to testimony made public this week, Linda Tripp says she may have seen billing records from Hillary Clinton's law firm in a safe in Vince Foster's office. It might have been billing records, or it might have been Tripp's monthly statement from Krispy Kreme.
There are allegations this past week that President Clinton has a 13-year-old love child from an encounter with an Arkansas prostitute. When the teen was questioned by reporters, he apologized and then beat up an Iraqi kid.
When Chief Justice William Rehnquist swore in the Senate...this is true--he wore a robe with gold stripes that he designed himself after seeing a Gilbert and Sullivan show....Judge Rehnquist, is there something you want to tell us?
There'll just be 50 seats available to the general public for the President's impeachment trial on a first-come, first-serve basis. However, Senate officials want to issue a warning: people in the first row could get sprayed with by evidence. [some groans and boos]...Takin' the high ground, are ya, fellas? All right.
In a Playboy interview, Pamela Anderson, who left her husband after he beat her, said that she cannot understand why Hillary Clinton is sticking with her husband after all he's done....Because he's the most powerful man in the world, not a drummer from an '80s hair band? [cheers and applause]...Yeah, get him!
Jesse Ventura, the new governor of Minnesota, has suggested that his wife be paid a salary of 25,000 dollars a year to be the state's first lady. Her official duties will include wearing a bikini and holding up cardboard signs during state functions. [some cheers and applause]
The NBA lockout is finally over, and although most parties are happy, Patrick Ewing still feels players are being treated unfairly. Ewing was quoted as saying, "The owners want us to go back to horse-and-buggies." Yeah, okay, horse-and-buggies. Even the sixth man of the Amish basketball team drives a Navigator. All right?
14 years after being fired as the manager of the New York Yankees, hall-of-famer Yogi Berra made up with George Steinbrenner. When asked about the peacemaking, Yogi didn't disappoint, coming up with another of his trademark Yogi-isms: "Steinbrenner's a douchebag."
Rod Stewart and his wife, Rachel Hunter, are divorcing after eight years of marriage. Many blame it on the wi-- the wide age difference between Rachel and the new teenager Rod wants to nail.
This week...and only this week, the FDA approved a Prozac-type drug for dogs who are depressed....Which is good, because it's hard for dogs to get therapy since they're never allowed on the couch. [applause]...Ahh, it's okay.
Terry Stewart, the former head of Marvel Comics, has been appointed the Director of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, in hopes that he can save the financially slumping shrine in Cleveland....My spider sense is tingling, and it tells me the problem is [secretly] location, location, location!
The children's television show "Zoom" is returning to PBS after 20 years [cheers and applause]...just when you got that song outta your head.
On this week in history, in 1992 at a State function in Tokyo, George Bush vomits into the lap of the Japanese prime minister....Later, little-known White House secretary Linda Tripp advised the prime minister to hold on to the pants and not wash them.
And the Pennsylvania Legislature is considering a bill that would prevent drivers from starting their cars until a built-in breathalyzer checks for alcohol. If a trace of alcohol is found, it will cau - cause the car's horn to beep. But if a lot of alcohol is detected, the car will start and drive you to an old girlfriend's house. [cheers and applause]
Last week, Elizabeth Dole resigned from her position as President of the Red Cross, fueling speculation that she may run for President of the United States in 2000. Here to discuss the rumor is Elizabeth Dole.
[pan over to Elizabeth, who's in a pretty good mood]
Elizabeth Dole: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you Colin, for this opportunity to speak to the American people. I did indeed resign from the Red Cross. And I did so because I feel that I may be able to help my country in other ways.
Colin: What prompted your decision?
Elizabeth: Well, I'll tell you, Colin. My husband, Bob Dole, and I attended a Bill Bennett New Year's Eve party. And as midnight struck, the DJ played a song that really summed up my feelings on the challenges this country faces as it moves into the new millennium. I'd like to read you some of the lyrics, if I may....[reads from a piece of paper] I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if I go astray/But when I woke up this morning, could have sworn it was Judgment Day/Two thousand zero-zero, party over, oops, out of time/So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999." [puts paper away] That's from a song called "1999" by the group Prince. That song really put perspective everything for me.
Colin: Are you saying that "1999" will be the theme song for your presidential campaign?
Elizabeth: No, Colin, I think you're misunderstanding me. I'm not running for President. I'm leaving the Red Cross so I can party like a mofo! [cheers and applause]...Praise Heaven, I plan to party like it's 1999! Bob and I have sold our home and emptied our bank account. We plan to spend most of the money on red leather suits and stereo equipment. And, I had these [takes off the top of her dress momentarily, revealing two tattoos] snakes tattooed on my chest! [cheers and some applause]
Colin: Nice! So, uh, you and Bob are just gonna be partying for the whole year?
Elizabeth: Absolutely! With a little help from my new friend Mary Jane, and the good people at Pfizer, Bob and I will be kicking it strong, right into the new millennium! Bob couldn't be more excited. In fact, he's the one that designed [shows a T-shirt that says "Liddy & Bob: slicin' it fine in '99"] these T-shirts....We're gonna keep these in the trunk of our car and give them to people we think are cool! [tosses the T-shirt into the audience]...Fight for it, freak!
Colin: So, uh, when does the partying start?
Elizabeth: Oh, we've already been partying for some time, Colin. I brought some pictures of what we've been up to. Can I show them? [Colin nods]
[cut to doctored photo of Elizabeth and Bob Dole outside a frat house; Elizabeth is bent over a beer keg, while Bob is "thumbs-up"]
This is us at a kick-ass frat party! Bob and I built a beeramid. We were wicked drunk! Next?
[cut to doctored photo of Elizabeth at the Lincoln Memorial; "Suck it!" is spray-painted at the base of the memorial]
Here's me at the Lincoln Memorial. [one woman cheers] I don't remember too much of that night. Next?
[cut to doctored photo of Elizabeth with Sharon Stone; Elizabeth is smoking a cigarette and has her hand on one of Sharon's breasts]
Oh, this is nice! That's me and Sharon Stone at the premiere of Varsity Blues! That was the night I punched a cop in the face and got Tasered. Next?
[cut to doctored photo of Elizabeth with the band KISS; Elizabeth is making a KISS face]
Oh, finally, this is from the KISS tour. Now, just between you and me, these guys were kind of tame.
[cut to Colin and Elizabeth]
So you see, Colin? Bob and I are already mixin' it up! In fact, after the show, we're driving to Vegas. Would you like to come?
Colin: No. Elizabeth Dole, everybody! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
[Colin and Elizabeth shake hands and chat]
[fade to black]