98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

TV Funhouse

[fade up to "X-Presidents" opening sequence]

Voiceover: The X-Presidents!

Struck by a hurricane-powered dose of radiation while appearing at a celebrity golf tournament, our four former presidents are charged with powers and strengths rendering them all the more extraordinary!

Gerald Ford!

Jimmy Carter!

Ronald Reagan!

George Bush!

Hitting their arsenal of phenomenal powers against earthling and interplanetary foes alike, the fabulous foursome for right against might! X-Presidents!

[dissolve to outside view of Congress]

As the country lays paralyzed, our Senate continues to argue the [cut to Senate floor] merits of punishing the President.

Orrin Hatch: The Constitution does not permit us to censure the President!

Ted Kennedy: The Constitution does not say we can't!

Phil Gramm: [holding a key] Have you read the Constitution? It says we can throw him in jail and swaller the key! [swallows the key]

Daniel Moynihan: That's not what my Constitution says!

Trent Lott: Well, your Constitution sucks!

[cut to outside view of the National Archives building]

Voiceover: Just steps away at the National Archives, [dissolve to inside of the National Archives, where tourists are taking pictures and viewing the Constitution, which is encased in glass] the partisan rhetoric is too much to bear!

[cut to closer view of the Constitution, which is bubbling from the senators' debating]

Unknown senators: The Constitution states that we should give the President a big kiss!

The Constitution says that we should abolish the Democratic [Constitution starts turning red with anger] Party!

It does not!

The Constitution wants to marry me!

[The Constitution breaks through the glass, spins and roars in anger, and chews up the stomachs of the tourists.]

[cut to Senate floor]

The Constitution implies [Constitution breaks through into the Senate] that perjury is both legal and fun! [Constitution chews him up, revealing much of his skeleton]...Y-- Uh! Wow!

No, clearly, the Constitution wants a conviction! [Constitution turns him inside out; senators run around in panic]

Lott: [while banging his gavel] Someone stop the Constitution! Call the President!

Moynihan: He's too weak! [takes out his personal liquor bottle] We'll need the [takes out his X-Presidents signaler] X-Presidents! [sends out a signal]

[Cut to Ronald Reagan, who's with his wife Nancy on their ranch. Reagan is branding a bull, while Nancy is holding onto its horns. Reagan picks up the signal.]

Ronald Reagan: Damn Constitution! [flies away]

[Cut to sequence of the other three X-Presidents being interrupted by the signal then flying away. Jimmy Carter is repairing a roof on a house with two workers; he knocks one of the workers off the roof when he flies away. Gerald Ford is sitting on his couch in a T-shirt and boxer shorts, playing with a children's paddleball.]

Voiceover: [during the sequence] Within minutes, the brave chief executive warriors respond to the alert!

[Sequence continues, as George Bush and his wife Barbara are naked and having sex outside in a hammock before he picks up the signal. All four X-Presidents land in their airplane, all dressed in a suit and tie.]

[Cut to Senate floor, where the Constitution is humping Phil Gramm, and most of the other senators are out of commission.]

Gramm: Help! Please!

[The X-Presidents bust through the ceiling into the Senate.]

Kennedy: The X-Presidents?

[The Constitution grunts in surprise.]

George Bush: Eat doo-doo, punk! [punches the Constitution]

Jimmy Carter: We the people think you suck! [tries to karate kick the Constitution but misses; the Constitution knocks him down and messes around with his lower area]

Reagan: You idiot! You've made him mad!

Carter: I think I've been [stands up to reveal that his pants are down] violated!

Reagan: Take it like a man! Did you cry like this with the Ayatollah?

Carter: [crying] I miss my housing project!

Gerald Ford: Mr. Reagan! The Constitution just urinated on the Declaration of Independence!

Reagan: [seeing the Constitution urinate on the Declaration of Independence] Disrespectful bastard! [rises and hovers]...Here's a new amendment: you're a [throws a fireball at the Constitution] homo!

[The Constitution catches the fireball and tosses it between its "hands."]

Did we get him?

Bush: Only the Emancipation Proclamation.

Strom Thurmond: [has a shackle and approaches a black senator] Oooh, eee! [black senator holds him back] You're mine, boy!

[The Constitution throws the fireball at the X-Presidents and misses; the fireball hits Thurmond and burns him, revealing that he is a robot.]

Reagan: Thank God it's just Thurmond!

Kennedy: At least don't burn the, uh, repeal of Prohibition.

Reagan: Listen! We have to work [we see that Ford is with Carter and Gramm, who are with a crisis counselor; Carter's lower half is covered up] together! Constitutions are tricky little [Carter stands and pulls his pants back up] customers!

Ford and Carter: [hands joined and fists in the air] Bipartisanship!

[Ford and Carter approach the Constitution from opposite sides. Carter approaches from the left side and distracts it.]

Ford: You have the right to bear [kicks the Constitution in the "crotch," stunning it] this, bitch!

Reagan: Here's a [grabs the Constitution] trick we learned from our [Bush cartwheels and shreds the Constitution] scandal: the Ollie North!

Bush: How am I shreddin' here, Gip?

Reagan: I don't know! I wasn't told!

[The Constitution cries one last moan in defeat.]

[cut to crowd cheering for the X-Presidents, who are hovering above]

We hope we've shown that you can all work together, you filthy, degenerate piles of cow dung!

[The X-Presidents fly away through the hole in the ceiling.]

[dissolve to the Oval Office, where the X-Presidents are with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Thanks to you, the Constitution is dead, Congress is working together, and my ass is saved.

Carter: [has a saw and three boards of wood; one says "we," another says "the," and the other says "people"] And I'm building a new Constitution, Mr. President!

Clinton: Okay. Could you put in a clause about three terms?

Reagan: You're f**kin' nuts!

[everyone laughs]

[Fade down, then cut to music sequence.]

[Sequence goes as follows; see song below. Line 1: shots of the X-Presidents band playing and singing. Line 2: shot of each "no" appearing one by one as sung around a dancing Constitution, then shot of Reagan. Line 3: Bill Clinton with a box of pizza and four women in pink go-go outfits dancing. Line 4: "Robot" Strom Thurmond and skeleton of an unknown senator firing shotguns in an open field. Line 5: two policemen beating up a teenager. Line 6: two women getting kicked out of voting booths, then shot of a crowned Bush singing and playing. Line 7: shot of Carter playing and singing, then Ted Kennedy and another senator with bottles of alcoholic beverages while riding a huge pig. Line 8: Carter hugging the Constitution with Phil Gramm trying to butt in. Rest of the song: the X-Presidents playing and singing while dressed in drag.]

X-Presidents: [singing]
"No no no no no Constitution
No no no no no Constitution
We're gonna have a party
Baby, we can stay up all night
We don't gotta read no one their rights
Sure, you can't vote, but I can be king
So let's buy a slave and go cross-dressing
There's no no no no no Constitution
No no no no no Constitution
No no no no..."

[fade to black]


Submitted by: Gregory Larson