Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12







98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Mary Katherine Gallagher

China.....Cheri Oteri
Ana.....Ana Gasteyer
Nicki.....Gwyneth Paltrow
Mary Katherine Gallagher.....Molly Shannon
Sister Harriet.....Paula Pell
Priest.....Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, St. Monica's High School. Fade to interior, girl's restroom, where girl gang The Black Angels enter ]

China: Oh, my God! I can't believe we stole the community wine!

Ana: We would've gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn't fallen out of your bra.

Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I'm just getting a good buzz going!

China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]

Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!

Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] "Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice. Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie."

Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they're tough enough to be a Black Angel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary Katherine Gallagher!

Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?

Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in our vicious gang!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw "The Patty Hearst Story" on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl."

Nicki: You want to be one of us?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Ana: You're about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!

[ Black Angels laugh ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!

Ana: That's pretty good..

China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..

Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!

Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!

[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]

China: I'll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ]

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]

Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I've done it before.

Ana: Freak-y..

China: [ alarmed ] Hey, guys! Sister Harriet's coming!

Nicki: Next sin is: you've got to insult a nun!

[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]

Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don't forget - Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ]

[ Black Angels reappear ]

Ana: I can't believe you did that..

China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!

Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So, here's the deal: China's gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?

Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I'm an asthmatic, so if you're gonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?

Nicki: Oh, we're gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.

Male Student: Hi..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?

Male Student: Okay..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]

Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My "Babyon 5" Internet chat room is never gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs out excitedly ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?

[ Black Angels laugh at her ]

Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain't never gonna be in the Black Angels!

China: Yeah, dream on, headband!

Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie "Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story". And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] "You think that I'm afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I'm just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, 'cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I'll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! 'Cause if I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I'll take my two bare hands and I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! I'll kill ya'! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ]

[ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China's leather jacket and Ana's cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]

Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What's it to you, Collar?

Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does her victory split ] Black Angel!

[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]


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