98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Vernon Jordan.....Tim Meadows
Singers.....Horatio Sanz, Ana Gasteyer, Molly Shannon, and Chris Parnell
[dissolve to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hey folks! There we are. Helloo.
Two in audience: Yeah, Colin!
Colin Quinn: (laughs) Thank you.
Bill and Hillary Clinton are obsessed about a cover story on their daughter Chelsea in the new "People" magazine. They say they'd give up on the press all together if it wasn't for the good, decent people over at "Hustler". [laughter]
A spectator at the Clinton impeachment trial this week was removed from the gallery and arrested after yelling to the senators to "Hurry up and take the vote". He has been identified as this man: [photo of Al Gore] [laughter]
While on a ski trip this week, New Jersey governor Christie Whitman [sic] broke her leg. Wait a second. She's from New Jersey, and three days after the Superbowl she ends up with a broken leg? Ski trip, my ass. Sounds to me like somebody went a little bit too heavy on the Falcons. [light laughter] The governor of Jersey would be that "somebody," is what I'm trying to... Heh heh.
Today! Today--hot off the presses, folks--Monica Lewinsky's testimony was released, where, among other information, she explained how she told ten people about her affair with the president. Including her mother and her aunt. There's a nice General Foods International Coffee moment. [laughter] What, are you sitting in the breakfast nook, drinking a Swiss Almond Blend, looking through the Land's End catalog. "Hey Ma, I like this fleece-lined jumper. Did I mention I've been going down on the president? I didn't tell you that?" "Oh, honey, that's wonderful. Wait a minute, call in your aunt so you don't have to tell the story twice." [laughter] I mean, geez, oh peas.
In a rare moment of bipartisanship this week, senate Democrats withdrew their opposition to the Republican proposal for a tax cut. The senate Democrats originally complained that the cuts were only going to help the rich. But then they remembered, "Hey, wait a minute. We are the rich." [light laughter] That was like, a deep social conscious joke, folks.
According to an interview in "Daily Variety", Farrah Fawcett is eager to get back to work, and is considering all offers to get her career back on track. Well, Farrah, I would like to offer you a role in my next movie. I'm shooting it in my apartment, and it's called "I've wanted to do this since 1975." [laughter, applause, and hoots] See, that was socially conscious, too. In its own way, it was political.
Celeste Swiznuski, a Monica Lewinsky lookalike, has been standing outside Monica's hotel, hoping to attract the attention that Monica was avoiding. This is good news for society, huh? Now stalkers have stalkers. [laughter] What I can't figure out is who's prouder: The father of the girl who performed oral sex on the president, or the father of the girl who wants people to believe she's the girl who performed oral sex on the president. [applause] Nice. Niiiiice. [laughter]
CIA director George Tenet warned this week that Saudi terrorist Osama bin Laden is preparing to launch another attack against US facilities. (nods) Good. How about "where", George? [light laughter] Wanna give some informa-- nice, folks.
An aide to Washington DC mayor Anthony Williams was forced to resign, because he used the word niggardly. Which actually means stingy or miserly, but sounds like a racial slur. In a related story, NBC announced it will no longer use the words David Spade. [audience laughs after a second] Ah, took you a second there. You need a little time.
Israel's National Parks Authority has authorized a private contractor to build a submerged bridge into the Sea of Galilee that would allow tourists to simulate Jesus' miraculous walk on water. Yeah, I think Jesus would appreciate the plumber on vacation from Toms River mimicking one of His greatest feats. [laughter] "Hey, look kids, Daddy's Moonwalking across the lake just like our Lord and Savior did in the 1800s!" [laughter] (Colin sighs) Honestly.
American war planes attacked newly installed Iraqi anti-ship missile launchers along the Persian Gulf. An enraged Saddam Hussein scolded his troops saying, "You see? This is why we can't have nice things." [laughter]
A female chimp in the Los Angeles Zoo gave birth this week, but of the six possible fathers in the exhibit with her, three have vasectomies, two are too young, and one is too old to have fathered the baby. Confused scientists don't know whether the birth is the result of a genetic miracle, or the worst case of beer goggles in history. [lingering laughter]
The night before the Superbowl, Falcon player Eugene Robinson was arrested after offering an undercover policewoman forty dollars for oral sex. Forty dollars. Seems like a lot of money to pay for something that technically, isn't even sex. [light laugher] Remember? Three months agoâ€¦ (addresses the audience) What do you want to talk about? The new Sugar Ray hit? I didn't think he'd have another hit, but he did. [laughter] He's got a big hit.
Last week, at the Superbowl, when Cher came out to sing the national anthem, she was escorted onto the field by a young boy who seemed to be terrified. He didn't know it was Cher, he thought it was Marilyn Manson. [laughter] I apologize. I'm sorry, I'm sorry about that one. Marilyn. [audience oooohs] How'd you like the first part, in terms of the second?
All right, over the past year Clinton confidante Vernon Jordan has over the past year has emerged as a major player in one of the most important events in recent history: The impeachment of the president. Here now to discuss his Senate deposition earlier this week is Vernon Jordan. [cheers and applause]
Vernon Jordan: Thank you, thank you. Good evening, Colin, and thank you for extending this invitation to me.
Colin Quinn: Now, Vernon, we all know you're some kind of lawyer, and that you're a friend of the President's, and that you're maybe one of the most powerful men in Washington. But I have to ask. What exactly do you do?
Vernon Jordan: (laughs) Well, Colin, I'm that rarest of species, known as a Beltway insider. A man behind the scenes. By day I lunch with kings. By night I dine with queens. (laughs) What's more, I always have the perfect dimple in my tie. (gestures to his tie)
Colin Quinn: But what does that really mean?
Vernon Jordan: That I'm a player on the scene.
Colin Quinn: Still, I've heard all that before --
Vernon Jordan: Oh but wait, I'm much, much more. (piano begins to play, Vernon pulls dress gloves out of his jacket pocket) (talk-sings) I'm an attorney, and a lobbyist, an essayist, a hobbyist. (puts on gloves) An amateur ornithologist. Why I wear maaaany hats. (is handed a top hat, puts it on) I'm a gadabout, (laughs) a ne'er-do-well, a rake, a rogue, a fancy swell. A modern day-style William Tell. I'm really all of that. (Orchestra starts to play, Vernon pulls out a walking stick, and sits on the Update desk. Colin looks slightly alarmed)
(sings) While the senate sits debating/I go off promenading/With a smart set lass or lad/I'm chummy with the President/A local DC resident/I cannot stand a bore, or caaaad/Where champagne corks are popping/And tres bon mots are swapping/You'll find me in with the crowd/When a lady needs a squire or a good friend needs a liar/Just say my name out loud/And I'll tip my hat to you, sir/As a gentleman should do, sir/For I am Vernon Jordan
(Vernon jumps off the desk and is joined by four singers dressed in old-fashioned attire)
Singers: He'll tie his tie/Put on his spats/In barely 20 seconds flat/He's a trouble-shooting man about the town
Vernon Jordan: Opera tickets, yes indeed/A summer job for friends in need/Look no further/Good old Vernon is around
Ana: I fear I've been indicted
Vernon Jordan: Well, that wrong will soon be righted
Chris: I'm a little short on cash
Vernon Jordan: It'll be there in a flash
Molly: We need a fourth for tennis
Vernon Jordan: On the court I am a menace
Horatio: It seems you never fail to please
Vernon Jordan: And I even speak Chinese
(singers oooh and create a chorus line, Vernon dances behind them)
Singers: 'Cause he's a problem-solving/World revolving/Expeditious/Meretricious/Courtroom handy/Dapper dandy/Verrrrnon Jorrrrrrdaaaaan
Vernon Jordan: That's me!! (confetti falls)
Colin Quinn: Vernon Jordan, everybody! Vernon Jordan! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Goodnight! (Vernon and Molly wave)
Submitted by: Joy