Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 13

98m: Brendan Fraser / Busta Rhymes & The Roots

Just Enjoy the Ozzy

Ted Gullerman.....Brendan Fraser
Tracy Wilford.....Molly Shannon
Singing waiter.....Horatio Sanz
Guitar waiter.....Jimmy Fallon
Manager.....Tim Meadows
Flower man.....Chris Parnell
.....George Plimpton

(opens with outside of restaurant Franklinīs, cut to inside, a couple holding hands at a table)

Tracy: God, I feel so close to you.

Ted: You look beautiful tonight.

Flower man: How about a rose for the lovely lady?

Ted: Oh, well yes, thank you.(pays the man)

Flower man: Here you go.(gives her the flowers)Have a wonderful evening.

Tracy: (giggles) Oh, thank you. Thank you,(smells flowers)uuummmm, hey, honey did you get the tickets for Spain yet?

Ted: I got them yesterday. We leave on the 7th.

Tracy: Iīm so excited!

Ted: God, I love you.

(Man in tuxedo approaches table)

Singing waiter: How was everything tonight?

Ted: Oh,umm itīs pretty good.

Singing waiter: Wonderful, wonderful. Am I right in assuming that you two are a young couple in love?

Ted: I guess you could say that we are.(holds hands with Tracy)

Singing waiter: Well, will you like to hear some music?

Ted: Please, that would be great.

Singing waiter: Great. Hereīs some Ozzy Osbourne. (He is joined by waiter with an electric guitar. They start playing Crazy Train) ALL ABOARD!! HA, HA, HA! AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE! CRAZY BUT THATīS HOW IT GOES, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO AS THERE TOLD, MENTAL WOUNDS STOP HEALING, DRIVING ME INSANE, IīM GOING OFF THE RAILS OFF THIS CRAZY TRAIN!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!(almost trips on table)

Ted: Thatīs enough!

Tracy: Jeez!

Singing waiter: Feel free to hold hands.

Tracy: That was awful!

Singing waiter: May your love continue to blossom.(Makes signal to guitar waiter and leave)

Ted: Iīm sorry about that.

Tracy: Yeah, you know maybe you should think about the restaurants that you choose!

Ted: Youīre mad at me?!

Tracy: A winner wouldnīt let that happen.

Ted: I have never heard you say---

(Singing waiter returns running and excited)

Singing Waiter: Excuse me!, excuse me!! Thereīs an urgent phone call!! Whatīs your name?!!

Tracy: Oh, my goodness!! oh, oh, Iīm Tracy Wilford!

Singing Waiter: And whatīs your name!!

Ted: My name is Ted Gullerman.

Singing Waiter: Oh, yeah cause...(sinister voice) I AM IRON MAN!!(joined by guitar waiter, plays Iron Man)HAS HE LOST HIS MIND, CAN HE SEE OR IS HE BLIND, CAN HE MOVE AT ALL, NOBODY KNOWS IF HE FALLS!! NOBODY LOVES HIM....(Almost falls over table)

Ted: Stop it!, stop it! Come on!

Tracy: Ridiculous!

Singing Waiter: Are you not enjoying your Osbourne?(Ted scoffs)

Tracy: Well, its that all the songs are about losing your mind and not being able to walk and see.

Singing Waiter: I know. Itīs quite marvelous. Maīam may I ask you a question?

Tracy: Yeah, sure. What?

Singing Waiter: You think youīre gonna have children?

Ted: I beg your pardon! That is not of your business!

Tracy: Yeah, well actually we have considered it.

Singing Waiter: Ok, good. So someday youīre gonna be a mother. And I think thatīs beautiful.(acoustic guitar, plays "Mama Iīm Coming Home") Times have changed, times are strange, here I come but I ainīt the same, Mama Iīm coming home. Time goes by, seems to me you couldīve been a better friend to me...(couple soften, hold hands)Mama...

Ted: I love you sweetie.

Singing Waiter:(cut to Paranoid, electric guitar) FINISHED WITH MY WOMAN CAUSE SHE COULDNīT HELP ME WITH MY MIND...

(takes pigeon from pocket and rips its head off with teeth, goes crazy knocking over the table. Horatio in his crazy outburst smacks Molly in the face unintentionally, Molly laughs uncomfortably off camera)

Ted: Get out of here!

Manager: Excuse me. Iīm sorry, excuse me. Iīm the manager here. Is there a problem?

Tracy: Unbelievable!

Ted: I say there is! These creeps keep playing Ozzy Osbourne in our faces!

Manager: First off sir, Ozzy rules, ok? Second of all, when you stood up this bag of weed fell out of your pocket. (Throws it at Ted, catches it)

Ted: Hey, this isnīt...(Manager takes picture) What?!

Manager: Now you give us a thousand dollars or Iīm calling the police.

Ted: This is not mine! You just threw this to me and took my picture!

Manager: I know that and you know that but the cops wonīt know that when you go to jail.

Tracy: A winner wouldnīt let this happen, now! Come on!

Ted: Honey! just take my credit card and leave me alone!

Manager: Next time, you just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouth shut!

(scene cuts to man in suit sitting in a brown leather chair)

George Plimpton: Just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouth shut. Itīs amazing how much wisdom there is in that simple sentence. Hi, Iīm George Plimpton. The next time you find yourself in a difficult situation remember, "just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouth shut". Youīll be surprised by how well it works.

(Flying High Again plays)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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