98m: Brendan Fraser / Busta Rhymes & The Roots
Just Enjoy the Ozzy
Ted Gullerman.....Brendan Fraser
Tracy Wilford.....Molly Shannon
Singing waiter.....Horatio Sanz
Guitar waiter.....Jimmy Fallon
Flower man.....Chris Parnell
(opens with outside of restaurant Franklinīs, cut to
inside, a couple holding hands at a table)
Tracy: God, I feel so close to you.
Ted: You look beautiful tonight.
Flower man: How about a rose for the lovely lady?
Ted: Oh, well yes, thank you.(pays the man)
Flower man: Here you go.(gives her the flowers)Have a
Tracy: (giggles) Oh, thank you. Thank you,(smells
flowers)uuummmm, hey, honey did you get the tickets
for Spain yet?
Ted: I got them yesterday. We leave on the 7th.
Tracy: Iīm so excited!
Ted: God, I love you.
(Man in tuxedo approaches table)
Singing waiter: How was everything tonight?
Ted: Oh,umm itīs pretty good.
Singing waiter: Wonderful, wonderful. Am I right in
assuming that you two are a young couple in love?
Ted: I guess you could say that we are.(holds hands
Singing waiter: Well, will you like to hear some
Ted: Please, that would be great.
Singing waiter: Great. Hereīs some Ozzy Osbourne. (He
is joined by waiter with an electric guitar. They
start playing Crazy Train) ALL ABOARD!! HA, HA, HA!
AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE!, AYE! CRAZY BUT THATīS
HOW IT GOES, MILLIONS OF PEOPLE DO AS THERE TOLD,
MENTAL WOUNDS STOP HEALING, DRIVING ME INSANE, IīM
GOING OFF THE RAILS OFF THIS CRAZY TRAIN!!!
AAAAHHHH!!!!(almost trips on table)
Ted: Thatīs enough!
Singing waiter: Feel free to hold hands.
Tracy: That was awful!
Singing waiter: May your love continue to
blossom.(Makes signal to guitar waiter and leave)
Ted: Iīm sorry about that.
Tracy: Yeah, you know maybe you should think about the
restaurants that you choose!
Ted: Youīre mad at me?!
Tracy: A winner wouldnīt let that happen.
Ted: I have never heard you say---
(Singing waiter returns running and excited)
Singing Waiter: Excuse me!, excuse me!! Thereīs an
urgent phone call!! Whatīs your name?!!
Tracy: Oh, my goodness!! oh, oh, Iīm Tracy Wilford!
Singing Waiter: And whatīs your name!!
Ted: My name is Ted Gullerman.
Singing Waiter: Oh, yeah cause...(sinister voice) I AM
IRON MAN!!(joined by guitar waiter, plays Iron Man)HAS
HE LOST HIS MIND, CAN HE SEE OR IS HE BLIND, CAN HE
MOVE AT ALL, NOBODY KNOWS IF HE FALLS!! NOBODY LOVES
HIM....(Almost falls over table)
Ted: Stop it!, stop it! Come on!
Singing Waiter: Are you not enjoying your
Tracy: Well, its that all the songs are about losing
your mind and not being able to walk and see.
Singing Waiter: I know. Itīs quite marvelous. Maīam
may I ask you a question?
Tracy: Yeah, sure. What?
Singing Waiter: You think youīre gonna have children?
Ted: I beg your pardon! That is not of your business!
Tracy: Yeah, well actually we have considered it.
Singing Waiter: Ok, good. So someday youīre gonna be a
mother. And I think thatīs beautiful.(acoustic guitar,
plays "Mama Iīm Coming Home") Times have changed,
times are strange, here I come but I ainīt the same,
Mama Iīm coming home. Time goes by, seems to me you
couldīve been a better friend to me...(couple soften,
Ted: I love you sweetie.
Singing Waiter:(cut to Paranoid, electric guitar)
FINISHED WITH MY WOMAN CAUSE SHE COULDNīT HELP ME WITH
(takes pigeon from pocket and rips its head off with
teeth, goes crazy knocking over the table. Horatio in
his crazy outburst smacks Molly in the face
unintentionally, Molly laughs uncomfortably off
Ted: Get out of here!
Manager: Excuse me. Iīm sorry, excuse me. Iīm the
manager here. Is there a problem?
Ted: I say there is! These creeps keep playing Ozzy
Osbourne in our faces!
Manager: First off sir, Ozzy rules, ok? Second of all, when
you stood up this bag of weed fell out of your pocket.
(Throws it at Ted, catches it)
Ted: Hey, this isnīt...(Manager takes picture) What?!
Manager: Now you give us a thousand dollars or Iīm
calling the police.
Ted: This is not mine! You just threw this to me and
took my picture!
Manager: I know that and you know that but the cops
wonīt know that when you go to jail.
Tracy: A winner wouldnīt let this happen, now! Come
Ted: Honey!...here just take my credit card and leave
Manager: Next time, you just enjoy the Ozzy and keep
your mouth shut!
(scene cuts to man in suit sitting in a brown leather
George Plimpton: Just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your
mouth shut. Itīs amazing how much wisdom there is in
that simple sentence. Hi, Iīm George Plimpton. The
next time you find yourself in a difficult situation
remember, "just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouth
shut". Youīll be surprised by how well it works.
(Flying High Again plays)
(Cheers and applause)
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel