Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 14




98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

A Bear Ate My Parents!

Drunken Maniac....Horatio Sanz
David....Chris Parnell
Male Guest....Bill Murray
Female Guest....Ana Gasteyer
Punched Guy....Will Ferrell
Man in Bear Costume....Jimmy Fallon

[Opens with a very elegant, very uber fashionable apartment. There is a party, everyone is dressed in the latest fashion clothes. 15 guests more or less are around with drinks on their hands. A female guest makes a toast]

Female Guest: I want to take this time and congratulate David on his new spring line.

[some applause]

David: Thank you. Thank you all so much for your support. It really means a lot to me. Ummm, go back to having fun.[laughs]

Female Guest: It really was a great show.

David: Thank you.

Female Guest: And your apartment looks so great. I love it.

David: Yeah, it's getting there, yeah.

[A guy in a jean jacket screams to a group of good looking women]

Drunk Maniac: YOU CAN ALL KISS MY ASS!!!

David: I guess somebody doesn't like it.[laughs]

Drunk Maniac:[breaks bottle]I WANT MORE BOOZE!!

David: Ok, what's going over there?

Male Guest: Hey, I'm really sorry about his.

David: Is he drunk?

Male Guest: Yeah, well, a little, but he's a very dear friend.

Drunk Maniac: YOU PEOPLE DON'T KNOW WHAT PAIN IS!!!!

[crashing noise, glass breaking]

David: Ok, I want him out of here.

Male Guest: Listen, I think you should know this. His parents were eaten by a bear.

Female Guest: Oh, my God! That is horrible!

David: Oh, I had no idea.

Male Guest: He's going through a very, very rough time.

[Drunken maniac stands beside them]

Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!

David: I'm sorry about what happened.

Male Guest: We're gonna get you through this, man. Come on.

Drunk Maniac: It just wouldn't stop eating them!! It wouldn't stop!![takes a picture from the wall]AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!![Destroys the painting, cries loudly]

David: Shouldn't we take him outside?

Male Guest: Oh, yeah. That's the best treatment for someone whose parents were eaten by a bear. Kick him outside. Where the bears are!

David: I'm very sorry.

[Drunken maniac stops a guest]

Drunk Maniac: I love them and a BEAR ATE THEM!!!!

[Punches the guy in the face, knocks plant over]

David: How did this happened?

Male Guest: Well, he only talks about them when he's drunk. But I sort of pieced together the story from his drunken ramblings. Oh, no....

[Drunken maniac is taking a piss in a potted plant]

Drunk Maniac: A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!!

Male Guest: He was home with his parents late at night watching TV and suddenly this huge grizzly bear smashes through the sliding glass door.

Drunk Maniac: We should've gone out that night!!

[throws heavy object into the TV screen, TV explodes]

Male Guest: He was completely paralyzed with fear. He sat there for two and half hours while this bear ate his parents.

Female Guest: Oh, that's awful!

Male Guest: No one and I mean no one!! Should have to watch his parents being eaten by a bear.

David: Well, I wasn't arguing with you.

Male Guest: Well, it sounded like you were!

Drunk Maniac: MAKE THE BEAR GO AWAY!!!

[Throws statue into glass table smashing it to pieces]

Male Guest: It's all right everybody. His parents were eaten by a bear.

Crowd: Awwwwwww!![understanding responses]

Drunk Maniac: It should've been me![cries]

David: Now, don't say that. That's not true![comforts him]

Drunk Maniac: My parents are in the stomach of a bear!

Male Guest: We're here for you, buddy. We're here.[comforts him too]

Drunk Maniac: The bear, the bear....used my parents for calories so he could run and climb. But my parents were much more than bear calories. THEY WERE MY PARENTS!![cries loudly, more comfort towards him]

David: Listen, why don't you sit on my couch? And I can get you some coffee or something. Ok?

[They go to the couch]

Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO THROW THIS DAMN COUCH OUT THE WINDOW!!!

David: No, please!

Drunk Maniac: COME ON! LET'S DO IT!!

[Starts lifting the couch and some people help him lift it]

David: Oh, my God! Why are you helping him?

Punched guy: His parents were eaten by a bear!

Female Guest: Good God, David! I'll pay for your precious couch if you want! It's no big deal.

Drunk Maniac: NO MORE BEARS!!

[With a little help from his friends he throws the couch out the window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]

Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!![He's hugged by male guest]

Male Guest: Oh, let it out. Let it all out!

David: He's obviously going through a lot of pain. When did this happen?

Male Guest: 22 years ago this week.

David: What?!

Drunk Maniac: I WANT TO TAKE A DUMP ON THE STEREO!!

Male Guest: What? Is there a time limit on this kind of thing?

David: Yes!

Male Guest: I suppose the fact that they were only his temporary foster parents changes things too, huh?

David: Yes!

Drunk Maniac: Spielberg had just directed "Jaws" and then....A BEAR ATE MY PARENTS!!![cries]

David: I am calling the police.[Drunken maniac knocks telephone to the floor. Ding-Dong. The door] Oh, good. Well, maybe somebody called them already.

[Door is opened and a candy gram arrives of a man dressed as a grizzly bear holding flowers]

Drunk Maniac: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!! OH, NO!!! YOU CAME BACK FOR ME!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

[Drunken Maniac jumps out the glass window, falling down whistle, crashing below sounds]

Man in bear costume: [sings with little enthusiasm] Congratulations dear David on a bear of a fashion show.[gives David the flowers, leaves]

Female Guest: I thought you'd think it was kitschy.

Drunk Maniac:[From the street below] A bear ate my parents!!!

Punched guy: [looking out the window] He missed the couch.

Male Guest: I think I've come without money. You think you could loan me 20 dollars?

David: Sure.

[gives him the $20]

Male Guest: Oh, thanks.

[fade]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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