Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 14





98n: Bill Murray / Lucinda Williams

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond
.....Bill Murray

[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]

Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!

[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]

Colin Quinn: Ho ho, thank you, folks! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! I'm Colin Quinn. Thank you.

Earlier this week, President Clinton flew to Mexico for meetings with President Ernesto Zedillo. What a perfect way for Clinton to show he's a changed man; he goes on spring break.

The race for Senate in New York is heating up. Mayor Rudy Giuliani took a shot at Hillary Clinton yesterday, saying she made a big mistake by endorsing a Palestinian state. She responded by saying, "Who cares? Mistakes run in the family." [photo of Bill Clinton]

Juanita Hickey Broaddrick is the latest woman to come forward to claim she was sexually assaulted by the President. In an interview in today's Washington Post, she claims that in 1978 in a Little Rock hotel room, Clinton bit her lips, tore her pantyhose, and forced her to have sex with him. [photo of Marv Albert with accompanying audio clip of his trademark "Yes!" interjection]

When asked for comment, President Clinton said he couldn't have committed these acts because on the date in question, he was sexually harassing Paula Jones in another hotel across town.

This week, Boris Yeltsin warned President Clinton not to launch air strikes against Yugoslavia, even if they fail to reach peace with Kosovo rebels. Yeltsin received no response to his threat, however, because he was talking to a coat stand with a hat on it.

Yeltsin also met with officials from the European Union this week to discuss plans for reviving Russia's failing economy. So far, the only plan they came up with was a Yakov Smirnoff pay-per-view special.

In her - in her interview with Larry King, Linda Tripp said if she could meet Monica Lewinsky again, she would want to give her a hug. This would be a classic case of adding injury to insult. Actually, Tripp said she would hug Monica very tight, then Tripp would unhinge her jaw and swallow her whole. [applause]

Animal rights activists in England are protesting Buckingham Palace, claiming that the royal horses are doped up, so that they'll be calm and obedient during public events....The White House has been doing the same thing [photo of Al Gore] for years.

According to a poll in The New York Post, if Hillary Clinton were to run against Pre - for President against Elizabeth Dole, Dole would win in a landslide. But, if Hillary Clinton and Liddy Dole were to wrestle, Hillary would have the advantage because of her mean spirit and powerful legs. [close, doctored view of Hillary's chunky legs]

Well!...The White House scandal is finally behind us now, and we're officially talked out; there's absolutely nothing left to say....Unless, of course, you are the President of the United States. Please welcome President Bill Clinton!

[pan over to a sad President Clinton]

Bill Clinton: Hey, Colin. [Colin chuckles] How you doin'?

Colin: What's wrong, Mr. President? You seem down.

Bill Clinton: Yeah, well, I am down, Colin. I was reading the paper lately, and I - I've noticed something that made me very sad. Very sad, indeed....I'm not in the papers. There used to be a lot of stories about me. Remember when the whole thing broke and I tried to lie about it? [laughs, then shakes his head]...It was so much fun! Every paper had a picture of me! Jay Leno was telling all those funny jokes. I was a real superstar there for a while. [shakes his head]...But not any more. Not any more.

[back to normal] I'm gonna tell you what, Colin. If I didn't know better, I'd say people like me more when I'm screwin' up. I was better off when I was smoking pot in England and grabbin' ass in the White House. You know, Huey P. Long once said the only way he could lose an election was if they caught him in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. If you promise to like me, I'll do both those things! [some applause]...God, I would. In fact, how do you know I haven't already? There's a lot of stuff you people don't know about me! Dig around! You'll find something! Ask any trashy waitress in Little Rock, they all have Bill Clinton stories! But I can't do the work for you!...I can promise you I've done some messed up stuff. There's people who know about it, America. Go find them! Let's do this impeachment thing all over again! I swear there's enough out there.

Maybe...hey! Maybe I had sex with my wife! I don't know. It might have happened! Might not have happened! I-- Hell, I was high most of the time!...[sad] But there's gotta be more stuff out there, Colin! And I know there is.

Colin: What about this Juanita Broaddrick lady? Th - that's making the papers now. She claims you forced her to have sex.

Bill Clinton: Well, there you go!...[imitating his famous quote] I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [cheers and applause]...[laughs] See - see what I mean? I mean...it - it's that easy! [Colin laughs] See?

You'll see, and whatever you do, guff, I promise you I will lie about it, I will do this [gives a thumbs-up], I will do this [wrinkles his forehead and sucks in his bottom lip], I will do them both together! [does thumbs-up and facial expression at the same time; cheers and applause]...Everything is great. God bless you, America. And Colin, thank you.

Colin: Bill Clinton, everybody!

Calvin Klein's new ad campaign featuring kids wearing his new line of children's underwear has created a controversy. However, a spokesman for Calvin Klein said the original ad was much more controversial. [doctored photo of Teletubby Tinky-Winky wearing underwear]

The Army may start reaching out to high school dropouts in an attempt to bolster recruitment. "We're looking for a few good...okay, forget it. Come on, dumbass, get in the truck."...Just what we need, an equivalency army.

More than two million people jammed New Orleans for Mardi Gras this week, the festival of excessive eating, drinking, and sex. Which ends with the beginning of Lent, the Catholic 12-step program.

Eric Clapton is selling off most of his guitar collection to raise money for a drug abuse center in Antigua. Meanwhile, somewhere in Jersey, there's a kid selling pot to raise money for a guitar. It's a crazy world, ain't it, folks?

Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots has pleaded guilty to possession of heroin. He was given a harsh sentence of five to ten VH1 "Where Are They Now?"s.

Bill Clinton is among the 118 people nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. The nominators say Clinton has helped to contribute to world peace. Upon hearing this, Saddam Hussein responded from un - under a pile of rubble, "Hello-ooo! Don't you people have CNN?"

Gwyneth Paltrow is the frontrunner for the Best Actress Oscar, accoring to Las Vegas bookies. They say she'll win for her role in Shakespeare in Love because, quote, "She is a classy broad, and Shakespeare is good people."

And now, a feature long-absent from "Weekend Update," it's "Celebrity Corner" with Oscar picks from our old friend, Bill Murray!

[pan over to Bill]

Bill Murray: Thanks, Colin. Nice job. You're doing great.

Colin: Thank you.

[Bill reaches under the desk and brings out a dry-erase board. The board is filled with small magnets containing five Oscar categories along with five nominees in each category.]

Thanks. Well...let's get right to it.

Uh, for Best Actor, Bobby Benigni....Well, I don't think so. The Italians don't rule Hollywood anymore, they never did, but they did have that one great week when the guy got the horse head in the bed. [removes Roberto Benigni from the board]

Uh...then we got, uh...Ian McKellen. He's a British guy playing a gay guy, which is, you know...it's just too much of a stretch. [Colin laughs]...You know, a British actor playing gay, I don't buy it, I don't think the Academy's gonna buy it. [removes Ian McKellen from the board]

Uh, Ed Norton carved a swastika in his chest for his nomination. The Academy's got to respect that, but I don't think they'll give him the award. I think they just want to hang with him and party with him. They think he's a neat guy. [removes Ed Norton from the board]

Uh, Tom Hanks, this would be three Oscars for Tom. He would be just unbearable, wouldn't he? I [Colin laughs] mean...he gets up there when he wins, he makes absolutely no sense. Three, and he would just be completely worthless, I think. I mean, I - I don't think the - the Academy wants to risk that, and uh, I - I think, uh...I - I - I don't think we should take the chance. We need him, in the Senate. [removes Tom Hanks from the board]

Finally, Nick Nolte, uh...there's a lot of, uh, friends of Bill W. out there in Hollywood. You know, a lot of Al-Anon guys trying to come back and, you know, Nick has lived a good life, and he continues to have a good time, and they look at Nick and say, "Geez, this guy could be one of us, if only!" You know? I think they'll give him the nomination, not 'cause they like his performance, but it'll give him a chance to surround him and perhaps stage an intervention. I'm giving it to Nick Nolte. [Colin laughs]

For Best Actress, uh...[clears throat] you gotta - you gotta like Fernanda Montenegro and his, uh, Chrysler-- her Chrysler Cordoba ads and Fantasy Island. I mean...but I - I think that's enough just to be [removes Fernanda Montenegro from the board] nominated there.

Uh, Meryl Streep made a terrible choice, uh, by speaking, uh, English with an American accent. You know? The Academy's not gonna trust that, they know she's a foreigner, she's some sort of a Czech or an Australian...or a-- she's an Israeli, or she's mixed. Anyway, we know that's not to be trusted. [removes Meryl Streep from the board]

Uh, Kate-- Uh, Emily Watson is English, Cate, uh Blanchett is English, and Gwyneth Paltrow is English. Or ask Tom. But see, that's just it. She's an American with an English accent in this film. And the Academy loves Brits, but I think what's gonna happen is they're gonna get confused, and they'll, uh...they'll end up thinking, you know, uh, w - they're gonna go and give it to Paltrow and say, "Oh! Oh! She was so convincing with Tom, we - we thought she was British!" You know [removes Emily Watson and Cate Blanchett from the board; no reaction]...I had a little trouble with that joke. [cheers and applause]...But, but, you know, hey! But I'm speaking my own language. And I understand it! [Colin laughs]

For Best, uh, Supporting Actor and Actress, well, I know a little bit about this category, and if you say it once, you gotta believe it. Who really cares [starts removing Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress categories and their nominees from the board] about this award, anyway? [applause]

Let's move on to the Best...so that brings you to the Best Picture....[moves the Best Picture category and its nominees over] And we're over here with these clowns, here. And, uh...it comes down to this, doesn't us? It-- Doesn't it? It comes down to...[moves The Thin Red Line, Life Is Beautiful, and Saving Private Ryan aside] us: The Thin Red Line, Saving Private Ryan, you know, Life Is Beautiful. I mean, we liberated the concentration camps, and [points to Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth]them: the English again. Look at this stuff. Elizabeth and uh, Elizabeth. You know what I mean? So we got three World War II movies, two Elizabethan English movies, and the Brits, they all vote for themselves in the Academy, it's terrible. We never went over there, but they're gonna vote for theirs, and they're gonna win, it's gonna be a real pain and everything. They vote, so they can stay in this country, and not pick up checks or pay for a drink. They haven't picked up a drink check since they got kicked out of this damn country 200 years ago! It's the truth! [applause] Seriously! You want to hear something funny, just ask the waiters saying, "Here's your check," and you'll hear a British person say, "Excuse me, where's the loo?" This is true. [Colin laughs]...So what's gonna happen is...we'll just fight it out, our votes [removes The Thin Red Line, Life Is Beautiful, and Saving Private Ryan from the board] will all get cancelled out, and it'll come down to these two, and this is where the real problem is. Okay? 'Cause right away, we've got these two things here. We've got the Shakespeare in Love and Elizabeth. And the thing you've got to remember is that...God, it still gets to me, you know? These people would be speaking German if we didn't bail 'em out in World War II! [shakes his head]...You know, they speak it so great! How would it be with a German accent? [little reaction]...All right. Um...but, so this will come down to these two ones, and I think what's gonna happen is the Academy's gonna be so confused with whether the - what - what country this is all about, that they're basically gonna remember that...the Academy is Hollywood. And they're just gonna [points to Shakespeare in Love] go with the blonde. [removes Elizabeth from the board; Colin laughs]

That's my list. All right. [puts down the board]

Colin: Bill Murray, everybody! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

[fade to black]


Submitted by: Gregory Larson


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