Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15




98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

The Big Baby

Dave.....Ray Romano
Rob.....Tim Meadows
Janice.....Molly Shannon
Jim Lasterbick.....Will Ferrell

[ open on tall office building, zoom upward ]

[ dissolve to interior, conference room ]

Dave: [ closes conference room door ] Well, to say that we are excited to work on the Winfred Tire account is simply an understatement. I mean, that's like, uh, saying the astronauts were "excited to land on the moon." We are really excited about this.

Rob: That's great. We're very excited, also.

Janice: Yes. And I think I speak for Rob when I say --

Dave: She does speak for me, and I don't even know what she's gonna say!

[ everyone shares a hearty laugh ]

Janice: But I definitely think that Winfred Tires is in a position to be the number one tire outlet in the country.

Rob: I agree.

Dave: Oh. Well, with that having been said, let me introduce Jim Lasterbick. He's, uh, gonna handle the presentation from here on in. Jim?

Jim: Thanks, Dave. Uh.. now, if you'll, uh, go ahead and take a look at these. [ hands folders to Rob and Janice ] Uh, what we've prepared - uh, you'll see, is a new ad campaign - uh, that focuses on Winfred Tires' versatility. [ everyone looks through their packets with a hint of confusion in their actions ] Uh, we feel that, uh, that the consumers need to know that the all-weather radial -- [ Janice raises her hand ] Uh - question. Yes?

Janice: Yes, um - I must be missing something, because my packet is empty.

Rob: [ chuckles ] Yes. So is - mine is, too.

Jim: [ nervously ] Oh - no. No, no. I-I-I'm sure the packet's in there.

Dave: Well, actually, Jim, I don't have anything, either.

Jim: Well.. I-I know I put the packet in the folders --

Rob: Well.. I just have these two blank pieces of paper.

[ Jim covers his face with his hands, smiles meekly, then begins to sob loudly ]

Dave: Jim? [ Jim continues to sob - a little louder with a fury that begins to bubble over ] Did you - do you not come up with a presentation?

Jim: [ shakes his head as he cries ] No.

Dave: Why didn't you?

Jim: [ anger now accompanies his tears ] I - I didn't want to!

Dave: Did you - did you even attempt to come up with a presentation?

Jim: YES!! [ a pause before his cries begin to resonate across the room ]

Rob: Maybe we should leave.

Dave: [ waves his hand ] No. No, no. This has happened before.

Jim: [ attempts to speak between his jagged sobs ] I-I - I - was - 'nt - at - home - and - I was - talking about winfred tires - and I got mad - because I thought it was too hard - and I didn't want to do it!

Dave: What - what- what was hard about it?

Jim: I don't know! It was just ha-ard!!

Dave: Jim!

Jim: Yeah? [ looks away from Dave ]

Dave: Jim? Jim, look at me!

Jim: [ turns to look as he cries uncontrollably ] Yea-ah?

Dave: We have GOT to give this presentation! What can I do - what can I do to help you give this presentation?

Jim: [ points to Janice as he whines ] I want that lady to leave!

Dave: You mean Janice?

Jim: Yeah. Janice!

Dave: Why? Why do you want Janice to leave?

Jim: She looks angry! [ sobs wildly ]

Janice: [ speaks to Jim in a reassuring tone ] I'm not. I'm not angry.

Dave: No! No! Janice isn't leaving!

Jim: [ whines ] Why not?!

Dave: Jan-ice is the cli-ent! She's not leaving!

Jim: I don't LIKE her!

Dave: Well, I'm sorry!

Jim: [ furious ] You're not my boss any more, because you eat POO!! [ throws his packet across the room and cries ]

Dave: Okay, okay, you know what? I'm gonna give the presentation!

Jim: No! I WANT TO GIVE IT!!

Dave: Okay! Well, then you stand up and you give the presentation!

Jim: I don't LIKE you-hoo-hoo!

Dave: Stop it, stop it now! Stop it! [ Jim cries harder ] Do you want a juice box?

Jim: [ in between tears ] Yes.

[ Dave hands Jim a juice box. Jim continues to cry, in muffled tones, as he frantically sips from the juicebox. ]

Jim: Grape. It's good.

Dave: I know. You like grape.

Jim: Y-yeah.. yeah. [ calms himself down at long last ] Win-fred Tires are the best - because they sat-is-fy - the needs of many demographic groups. With that theory in mind - we would establish a comprehensive campaign that would - fulfill and successfully ex-plote --

Dave: [ helping Jim ] Ex-ploit. Sound it out.

Jim: Ex- ex-ploit - those - consumer markets.

Rob: [ impressed ] Wow! That is actually the strategy that we've been looking for.

Janice: Yes.

Rob: I'm sold. Thank you.

Janice: [ to Jim ] That wasn't so hard, now was it?

Jim: [ shakes his head No, as he continues to sip from his juice box ] No.

Dave: [ stands ] I'm glad you feel confident in our approach, and I'll send the paperwork over tomorrow morning.

Janice: Great! Excellent. [ she and Rob stand ]

Rob: Thank you.

Janice: Thank you so much.

Rob: Bye bye.

Janice: Thank you.

Rob: Thanks. Good morning.

Janice: Good morning.

[ Rob and Janice exit the office; Dave closes the door behind them ]

Jim: Whew! Wow, what a bunch of anuses!

Dave: Yeah! Nice job. Come on, let's go get a lap dance.

Jim: Okay, yeah.

[ fade ]


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