Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 15





98o: Ray Romano / The Corrs

Roberto Benigni at Carnabie's

Maitre'd.....Chris Kattan
Waitress.....Ana Gasteyer
Roberto Benigni.....Ray Romano
Male Patron.....Will Ferrell
Female Patron.....Molly Shannon
Second Female Patron.....Cheri Oteri
Lone Patron.....Horatio Sanz

[ open on interior, Carnabie's Restaurant ]

Maitre'D: No, we really don't have anything open right now.. unless you'd like to come back at midnight?

Angry Patron: But we have a reservation! We made it months ago! Tonight's our anniversary.

Maitre'D: Well, there's always next year. [ Angry Patron storms out, as phone rings ] Hello. Carnaby's. I'm sorry, we don't.. oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ to passing Waitress ] Roberto Benigni is coming!

Waitress: Oh, my God!

Maitre'D: I know! [ on phone ] Yes, yes, Mr. Benigni, okay! [ to Waitress ] He's on his way! Fix up a place! [ on phone ] When will you arrive, Mr. Benigni?

Roberto Benigni: [ enters restaurant, carrying cellphone ] I'm-a here!

Maitre'D: Oh, my God! Mr. Benigni! [ laughs ]

Roberto Benigni: I'm-a sorry! This phone has-a no connection through the wall! [ throws phone over his shoulder ]

Waitress: [ laughing ] Oh, Mr. Benigni, we're so happy to have you!

Roberto Benigni: Hey! I'm-a happy to have-a you! [ laughs and picks her up, as she laughs ] And-a you! [ picks up Maitre'D, making him laugh, too ] And-a you! [ attempts to pick up heavyset waiter, climbs into his arms instead ] I love-a you! Thank you very much for this-a warm-a welcome! You make-a my buttocks-a full, with-a juice of-a many llamas!

[ everyone laughs ]

Waitress: Oh, Mr. Benigni, we just love you! Please, follow me, your table is over here.. [ approaches couple sitting at table ] You have to leave now.

Male Patron: What? We just sat down..

Waitress: Come on, come on, look who's here.

Male Patron: [ excited ] Oh, my God! Roberto Benigni!

[ Male and Female Patron stand up immediately ]

Roberto Benigni: Oh, and this is-a for you - [ touches Female Patron's ass ] Hello, goodbye! Hello, goodbye!

Female Patron: Oh! Whoo! Roberto Benigni is jiggling my ass!

Male Patron: Can I take a picture? [ snaps picture as they pose ]

Roberto Benigni: I love you! I want to give all of you all my love and squeezings! [ tosses bowl of soup at Male Patron ] Soup-a!

Male Patron: Owww!! Roberto Benigni just scalded me with hot soup! Oww!![ everyone laughs ] I can't wait to tell my mother!

Roberto Benigni: I'm-a sorry, I'm-a sorry! [ grabs his wallet ] Oh! This is your dollars? I take-a now! [ laughs ] It's funny!

Male Patron: It's hilarious! And I am burned pretty badly. Yeah. Yeah.

Roberto Benigni: I'm-a sorry! I love-a you all! [ approaches Second Female Patron ] Oh, I love-a you, too! [ grabs pepper spray ] What is this? What is this?

Second Female Patron: Oh, that's pepper spray.
Roberto Benigni: Oh! [ sprays at her ] I make-a you sneeze! [ laughs ]

Second Female Patron: [ laughs between tears ] You're irrepressible!

Roberto Benigni: And-a for you.. [ dumps cake on man's head, making him laugh as well ] Full of joy! Oh, look! Look! [ grabs axe from wall, then chops Lone Patron's hand off ]

Lone Patron: Aaaggghhhhh!! [ laughs, though blood shoots out of his arm ] I'm a doctor! You ruined my career! [ still laughs ] You are an international funny man!

Roberto Benigni: [ laughing ] I don't know! I do not know!

Maitre'D: Oh, Mr. Benigni, please! We've prepared a special feast for you. Have some champagne.

Roberto Benigni: [ stands on table ] Oh, please! Please! Please! To all my very good friends - please excuse my revolting English - but, please, believe me.. I have never felt such a joy and love without ruining a towel! [ everyone laughs ] And that is what love is all about - loving and giving and tickling and sucking! You maske-a me so happy! I want to show you La Luna! [ bends over and moons everyone in the restaurant, as they continue to laugh at his antics ]

[ screen shrinks to reveal itself as Variety news photo, with headline "Benigni Incorrigible!" ]

[ fade out ]


SNL Transcripts