Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 17

98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

A Message From the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton.....Darrell Hammond

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. For the past two weeks, our nation, along with our NATO allies, have been involved in an effort to halt Serbian aggression in the former Yugoslav providence of Kosovo. Very early on, I was honest and forthright in saying we would not use ground troops under any circumstances. I was telling the truth. What a stupid idea! By taking away the ground troop option, I gave Serbian President Milosovich a golden opportunity to continue his reign of terror. There you go. First time I tell the truth during my six years in office, it screws everything up! [ bites his lip ]

You know, in my gut, I knew I should have kept lying. But my advisors told me to disregard my deepest personal convictions, and tell the truth. Frankly, the idea of telling the truth repulsed me. But they convinced me it would work this way. Everyone knows I'm a liar. So, when I said no ground troops, Milosovich eould then think, "Okay, Clinton's a lair, so they are sending ground troops, I'm screwed, I'm gonna give up." But no! He chose to believe me - why? Don't you guys have CNN over there? You can't believe what I say, I'm Bill Clinton!

Anyway, after reviewing the facts and consulting my spiritual advisor, I have determined that honesty is a bad policy. And I'm going back to my old style. So, everybody listen up - I will not send ground troops into that country, Kosovo. I will not! Serbia, listen up - I did not give orders to have Milosovich assassinated. I do not want his head on a stick. After he is gone, I have no intention of throwing a kick-ass all-night keg party in the Lincoln bedroom. And, later at that party, I will not go up to Kate, the new girl we hired, and I will not be wearing a fake moustache. And I will not say, "The President's gone, my name is Matt, wanna fool around?" [ laughs ]

Whoa, the ol' Willie is back! It feels so good!

Here's some more honesty for you - people ask me, if Russia gets involved, will you bomb them? Let me say, that depends on what your definition of "bomb" is.

Finally, I will defy protocol and not start this show by saying, "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!" I will not!

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