98q: John Goodman / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
.....Tracy Morgan
Collette Reardon.....Cheri Oteri

Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.

According to recent polls, a growing number of Americans are in favor of sending ground troops to Kosovo. And it should be noted that 100 percent of those polled are not in the armed forces.

Today President Clinton took a day off from dealing with NATO's bombing in Kosovo and spent it playing golf at Camp David. After his round, a refreshed President told reporters, "You know, O.J.'s right. This game does take your mind off killing people."

When President Clinton met with Chinese premier Zhu Rongji, he had planned to criticize the Chinese leader for his country's human rights violations, until Al Gore told him: "Hey, be cool, I need illegal contributions for my campaign too."

Liddy Dole declared this week that she opposed abortion except in the case of rape, incest, and when the woman's life is threatened. It should be noted these are also her views on sex.

A possible mistrial in the Whitewater case against Susan McDougal occurred yesterday when a juror brought a law book into the jury room. The judge was upset saying he didn't "want any of that law stuff influencing the jurors."

Colin Quinn: Now, here to talk about the latest in hip-hop fashions, is Weekend Update correspondent Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Thanks, Colin! Check out the cool shirt I'm wearing - it's by a company called F.U.B.U. F.U.B.U. means For Us, By Us. And that's because the clothes are designed by black people for black people. And I think it's about time, because we've been puppets of the fashion industry for too long. Before F.U.B.U., all Nike gave us was F.U.B.A.K.: For Us, By Asian Kids. And for all y'all running around buying up Tommy Hilfiger gear, remember that stuff is F.U.B.R.A.W.D.: For Us Blacks by a Rich-Ass White Dude. Believe me, before we started buying all his clothes, only time Tommy Hilfiger ever saw a black dude was on a Lionel Ritchie album cover. Anyway, I'm not saying that the races have to stay totally separate, I'm just saying that I don't think there's been a fair exchange so far. Look at the stuff that the black community has created for you, by us. We gave you jazz, the NBA and Will Smith. And what have you come up with for us? Malt liquor, Kool cigarettes and the McRib sandwich. We desire reparation, so I guess what I'm trying to say is.. [ to Colin ] ..give me $100.

Colin Quinn: Get out of here! Tracy Morgan, everybody.

At the Pope's Easter mass last Sunday, there was an estimated 40-minute wait on line for communion. Except for those Catholics who had an EZ Pass.

It was announced this week that Paul Simon and Bob Dylan will tour together this summer. Simon and Dylan are expected to outdraw the hastily thrown together rival tour: Garfunkelpalooza.

Julie Krone, thoroughbred racing's most successful female jockey, announced her retirement this week at the age of 35. Friends say Krone now wants to focus on her life long dream of getting her period.

Charlize Theron is upset about appearing nude in this month's issue of Playboy, saying she intended the photos for her private use. I guess that makes two of us.

Colin Quinn: Allergy season is here, and advertisers are innundating us with ads for new prescription drug remedies. Here to clear things up is our resident prescription drug expert Collette Reardon.

Collette Reardon: Hi, Col! Col, can you believe all the choices out there for allergy relief, huh? It's a good time to be medicated - good time! Good time! You got Allegra, Tavista-D.. little Joanie London's got my head spinning about Claritan-D - it's all good! But, heck - allergy season? Allergies can be brutal, especially around the holidays. And that last one - what a doozy!

Colin Quinn: You mean Easter?

Collette Reardon: That's her! I get to the Easter parade, right? I'm sportin' mah best bonnet. But I'm worried about my itchy eyes acting up, Col! So I take a fistful of Allegra, along with 2,000 millies of Percadan, for mah finger! Well, I must've been as high as a hot-air balloon in a crow's nest - because the next thing, Ah'm riding piggy-back on a tuba player from the Loyola marching band, Col! [ aside ] Hi, Kev! [ pause ] So, later on that day.. they tell me that in mah stupor Ah cut up about four police officers and then tried to restrain them. Next morning, Ah'm waking up at the NYPD Hotel and casino, feeling like MacKenzie Phillips, circa 1983, Col! Luckily, Ah had a pocketful of Benzadrene, chased that with some Codine eye drops, and guess who's on time for her Monday morning Pap Smear?

Colin Quinn: I'm guessing you?

Collette Reardon: You guessed right! [ laughs ] And Ah'm happy to say that Ah passed the smear with flying colors, thanks to mah OB-GYN, friend and lover, Dr. van Cleef Arpill - good hands, good hands!

Colin Quinn: Well.. uh.. congratulations, Mrs. Reardon.

Collette Reardon: [ eyeing Colin, applying harried lipstick ] That's.. Ms. Reardon, sausage-smuggler. Say, Col, the Puerto Rican Day parade is just around the corner. How 'bout you meet me for some fried dough at the Port-O-Potty on 83rd and 5th?

Colin Quinn: Yeah, sure. I'll be there. [ Collette laughs uproariously ] Collette Reardon, everybody. I'm Colin Quinn. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.