98r: Cuba Gooding Jr. / Ricky Martin
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Jesse Jackson.....Darrell Hammond
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Hi! I'm Colin Quinn. Thank you....Thank you, folks!
This week, Kosovo refugees were greeted by Hillary Clinton as they arrived at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Mrs. Clinton told the refugees that they will have, quote, "the full support" of her and her husband. Followed by, "Hey, where is my husband?" Then, "Has anyone seen my husband?" And finally, "Okay, where'd that gypsy slut with the D cups go?"
As they settled into their temporary quarters in New Jersey, the weary travelers all had the same question: "What's that smell?" [applause and some cheers]...[mocking a cheering audience member] Ye-es, Jersey...
Yesterday, NATO jets accidentally bombed the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade. The bombing marks a setback for both the peace plan and for Al Gore's fundraising efforts.
Yesterday they hit the Chinese Embassy; before that, cluster bombs on a hospital and a market; plus earlier this week, a bus. Gee guys, good publicity stunt for NATO! Good move! But you missed the orphanage full of nuns and kittens!...These guys have the aim of Ted Kennedy at a Bennigan's urinal. [applause and cheers]
In a "60 Minutes" interview with Milosevic's wife, Mirjana Markovic, she complained about the nickname the West has given her husband: "The Butcher of the Balkans." She also said she didn't think it was fair when they called Kenny Rogers "The Coward of the County."
A jury yesterday ordered "The Jenny Jones Show" to pay 25 million dollars to the family of a gay man who was shot and killed by a guest on the show after he revealed he had a crush on him. In order to prevent this from happening again, the producers of the show have hired a new security guard. [photo of Hugh Hefner]...You know, if every guy went around killing guys who had crushes on them, I would've murdered Chris Kattan years ago.
Well, May is here, and it's just a matter of days until they finally release The Phantom Menace. [photo of Amy Fisher; some applause]
Amy Fisher was granted parole this week after doing seven years in prison, and should be released sometime next week. Fisher says she looks forward to a productive life, and hopes to meet a special man, fall in love, and shoot his wife in the head. [some applause]
Question: what do you get when you cross Joey Buttafuoco with a college education? Answer: [photo of Bill Clinton; cheers and applause]...And you know he's watching tonight! [cheers and applause]...Sittin' home right now, watchin' us...
A...after a meeting with the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Serbian president Slobodan Milosevic released the uh, three American prisoners of war after holding them captive for 32 days. Apparently, white guilt even works in Yugoslavia.
Not one to rest on his laurels, Jackson was in the Midwest this week, where he helped four tornado victims return to their home in Kansas. [doctored photo of The Wizard of Oz characters the Cowardly Lion, the Scarecrow, Dorothy, and the Tin Man featuring Jesse Jackson's face on Glinda the Good Witch of the North; some applause and cheers]
Now...fresh from convincing Slobodan [looks to his left to see if his guest is there] Milo - Milosevic [chuckles]...to free the three American POWs, please welcome Reverend Jesse Jackson.
[pan over to Jesse]
Jesse Jackson: A-thank you...a-Colin. Let me say this, if you will. I went to Belgrade, not to embarrass our president, but to free those young men. I approached Milosevic with a handshake, not a hand grenade. I spoke to him with a cool head, not a warhead. I brought him a message of peace, not a message from an answering machine with a wacky tape you can buy through an ad on the television or a truck stop! We must not just choose sides, Colin! We must choose peace!
Colin: Now, many believe Milosevic is using you as a PR stunt to dissolve support for the NATO bombing mission.
Jesse: [after a pause] To that, Colin, I would say, let me quote you a passage, if I may, from the comic strip Momma...in which Momma has asked her son, who was in his late 20s, to move out of the house!...And he responds, "I would love to, Momma, if you would only get me the money...for me to do so." Do you see the ridiculousness of that, Colin? That the boy would move out, only under the auspices of Momma's generosity via financial means. But for Momma, this presents no solution at ALL! She did not bomb him, Colin....She did it to a brow-beatin', nitpickin', and rat-a-tat-tat. Also remind me of sifa-common-funk-a-wink-a-bean, settle on Sunday.
Colin: Uh, let me stop you 'cause I don't know what you're talking about, and...but I can't figure out how you got the POWs released.
Jesse: Well, it's very simple. W - we all have God inside of us, even Slobodan Milosevic. I reminded him of that -- I told him, "I want to go with you to Alderaan, learn the ways of the Force. I want to become a Jedi like my father before me."
Colin: Wait a minute! That's from Star Wars.
Jesse: He doesn't know that! [some applause]...That's the best part of dealing with someone who doesn't speak English! I dated a girl from another land once, and I used to quote B.J. Thomas to her. I would say, "Look, Lang-Chou...I can't fight this feeling...deep inside of me. Girl, [clears throat]...you just don't realize what you do to me. Ooga-chaka. Ooga-chaka....
Colin: Okay, that's enough now!
Colin: Jesse Jackson, everybody! Jesse Jackson.
Colin: Chastity, one of the stars of World Championship Wrestling, has been found to be a former porno actress. In an interview, she said she never brought it up because, "What are the chances that a wrestling fan would also watch porno?"
A huge crowd gathered at the Vatican this week to watch Pope John Paul's beatification of 20th century Italian monk Padre Pio. For those of you unfamiliar with Latin, "Padre Pio," translated, means "Puff Daddy."
Responding to a protest by the ACLU, a tablet from the Ten Commandments was taken down from in front of a Kansas municipal building because they felt government buildings shouldn't contain religious messages. The tablet read, "Thou shalt not kill, Bingo Friday at 8:30."
This week, the Tony Awards nominations were announced, and Nicole Kidman, who appeared nude in The Blue Room, was not nominated. And I just want to say one thing to the committee: thanks....Because the last thing we need is for her to get nominated, and then have other hot, young actresses take their clothes off on Broadway. Thanks again. [scattered applause]
This week, Judd Nelson announced it'll be his last season on the show "Suddenly Susan." Where the hell is he going? Hey, Judd! It was a nice comeback, but don't get too frisky, you know?...Call Andrew McCarthy, ask him what it's like to eat out of a garbage can, buddy boy. [groans and boos]...All right. He's not really eating out of a garbage can!
According to an investigative report, Tae-Bo creator Billy Blanks has been misleading people about his credentials, including being a nine-time world champion and captain of the Olympic karate team. See that? I should kick his ass....And I would, too, but I'm only on my second tape.
Two upcoming presidential biographies claim Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual. Apparently he plunged the country into civil war, because he hated cotton....I guess if George Washington was the father of our country, then Abraham Lincoln's the unmarried uncle nobody talks about. [little reaction]
This week, the first advance reviews of the new Star Wars movie came out. Really excited about it is Jimmy Fallon!
[pan over to Jimmy, who has his guitar]
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Colin....In - in two weeks, uhh, the big movie comes out, and I'm totally psyched to see it, man. Uh, the buildup is huge, I mean, there's people camped out for weeks just to get tickets, you know?
[plays guitar and sings a parody of "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray; lights dim to blue]
"Every morning there's a line around my corner 'cause I live next to the Cineplex
The scalpers wanted, like, two hundred for a ticket; didn't have it, so I wrote them a check
I just can't believe it, George Lucas is a genius, Star Wars is back again
First I'm gonna see it, and then I'm gonna see it again
"Shut the door baby, the movie just started."
'Cause every morning--" [song ends]
Something like that. And Sam - Sam Jackson's [cheers and applause] in it, too. He's, uh...he's cool, man. He - he's cool, he's gonna play this guy, uh, named Mace Windu.
[sings a parody of "My Name Is" by Eminem with the song's accompanying beat; does not play guitar]
"Hi, kids! Do you like sci-fi action with Sam Jackson?
Gonna blow up like Titanic with Bill Paxton
Cool brother with the bald head and goatee
Isn't he the first black guy to be in Star Wars since Billy Dee?
Hi! My name is-- what?
My name is-- who?
My name is-- chik-a-chik-a
Mace Windu!" [end of song; cheers and applause]
And uh, [laughs] I'm, uh...my all-time, uh...my all-time favorite - favorite character is still one of my all-time favorites, so I'm psyched to see him. So it's gonna be like, uh...
[plays guitar and sings a parody of "Livin' La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin]
"He says the Force is with you, then he leans on a small cane
He'll make you lift things up without him, he'll make you use your brain
And then you'll go insane
Gives Jedi advice, livin' la vida Yoda
He won't tell you twice, livin' la vida Yoda
A swamp is where he lives, he looks like Abe Vigoda
He tells it like it is, livin' la vida Yoda
Livin' la vida Yoda
Livin' la vida Yoda." [end of song; cheers and applause]
Colin: Jimmy Fallon, everybody!
Jimmy: Thank you.
Colin: Jimmy Fallon! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it! Good night!
[Jimmy plays the melody to the Ricky Martin song]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson