Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17




98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Brian Fellow's Safari Planet

Brian Fellow.....Tracy Morgan
Jeff Richmond.....Chris Parnell
Karen Nathan.....Sarah Michelle Geller

[theme song plays...]

Singers: [ voice-over ]
"He loves animals
And they love him back.
Inter-species friends
We ain't kidding, mac!
Brian Fellow's Safari Planet!
Brian Fellow's Safari Planet!"


Voiceover: Brian Fellow spent four years in Thailand as a volunteer for, and later director of the Southeast Asian Animal Rescue Project. He subsequently served as director of Animal Operations at the San Diego Zoo, and Undersecretary of the Interior for Wildlife Management.

Singers: "Brian Fellow's, Brian Fellow's, Brian Fellow's Safari Planet!" [theme song ends]

Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. I'm Brian Fellow. And I'm very excited to bring out tonight's animal guests. So let's get going! Our first guest is a native of the South American jungle. Please welcome A MONKEY!

Jeff Richmond: Hello.

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Jeff Richmond: I'm Jeff Richmond of the Cleveland Zoo.

Brian Fellow: I'm Brian Fellow!

Jeff Richmond: Yes, I know.

Brian Fellow: So what's up with this monkey here?

Jeff Richmond: Well, Dr. Fellow, Buster here is a capuchin monkey, also called a ring-tailed monkey and he's 3 years old.

Brian Fellow: So he's a baby monkey.

Jeff Richmond: No, at three years old, a monkey's considered an adult.

Brian Fellow: Three years old, an adult? That's CRAZY!

Jeff Richmond: Um, the habitat area for these monkeys, the rainforest is being threatened by development so the rainforest-

Brian Fellow: The rainforest, that sounds WET!

Jeff Richmond: Yes, it is. It is. Y'know I thought certainly a man with your kind of credentials would y'know be...

Brian Fellow: I'm BRIAN FELLOW.

Jeff Richmond: Yes, I'm well aware, I didn't mean to insinuate anything by that, I apologize.

Brian Fellow: Oh, that's okay. Let me tell you, I once saw a video of a monkey washing a cat. Pssht. That's crazy.

Jeff Richmond: Okay alright, this is nuts. You've clearly overstated your credentials. I'm wasting my time here.

Brian Fellow: I'M BRIAN FELLOW. I'M BRIAN FELLOW. I'M BRIAN FELLOW. Good. Go. Take that monster with you and tell him to stop smiling at me. Sorry. That monkey was crazy. Our next guest is a local resident. He probably lives in a meadow or wooded area near you. please welcome, a TURTLE.

Brian Fellow: And who are you?

Karen Nathan: I'm karen Nathan of the Central Park Conservancy.

Brian Fellow: I'm Brian Fellow.

Karen Nathan: Okay and this is Henry. He's a box turtle. Box turtles make their home on dry land. There are abundant sources...

Brian Fellow: He's a snappin' turtle?

Karen Nathan: No he's a box turtle and box turtles live in an environment where they can find...

Brian Fellow: Does he bite?

Karen Nathan: No.

Brian Fellow: 'Cause I don't wanna get bit by a snappin turtle. Yipes. I once got bit by one.

Karen Nathan: Okay look see this is a box turtle and box turtles don't bite. They eat plants and the occasional bugs...

Brian Fellow: Do you think he can escape from his cage? 'Cause I don't wanna get bit.

Karen Nathan: Box turtles don't bite. Alright, be cool, it's just a little turtle.

Brian Fellow: If he bites me, I'm gonna kill it!

Karen Nathan: Alright look, you clearly lied on your resume, you never worked for the San Diego Zoo or the Department of the Interior. You don't know anything about animals!

Brian Fellow: I'M BRIAN FELLOW.

Karen Nathan: No, you're a buffoon.

Brian Fellow: Sorry again. That's all the time we have. Join us next week when our guests will be a dog and a baby dog. I'm Brian Fellow.


Submitted by: Mark Fritzel


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