Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 17




98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

Tiger Beat's Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show

Jessica.....Sarah Michelle Gellar
Sara.....Cheri Oteri
Sissy.....Molly Shannon
Gladys.....Ana Gasteyer
Renee.....Darell Hammond
.....David Boreanaz, Seth Green, Howie Dorough

[ girls introduce themselves ]

All: Welcome to Tiger Beat's Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show!

Announcer: Brought to you by Junior Gay Guy, quality gay apparel for those teens who already know! And by Practice Beer, yummy non-alcholic beer that tides you over till you turn twenty-one!

Sara: Oh, my gosh, guys! What's up?!

[ all do a dance move ]

Gladys: Everything! How was your weekend?

Sara: Fab. How about yours, Sissy Jermaine? Kiss any cuties?

Sissy: No.. [ laughs ] ..but at my cousin's birthday party, my step-uncle made me dress up like Britney Spears and strip for him.

All: Ew!

[ tiger roars ]

Jessica: Ok, that really fakey tiger sound means it's time for the Question of the Day.

[ tiger roars ]

Jessica: Okay, today's question is what drink would you buy for your favorite star and why?

Sara: Oh, my God. I would buy a Mountain Dew for James Van Der Beek 'cause I want to do him!

[ audience, girls laugh ]

Sissy: I would buy a Dr. Pepper for Scott Speedman, because I want him to examine me.

[ All scream ]

Gladys: I'd buy a bottle of Drano for Neil Patrick Harris, so we could both drink it and live in Heaven forever!

[ audience laughs, girls look at her ]

[ siren blares ]

Jessica: Uh-oh! The sound of that oddly chosen French police siren means it's time for out segment called "Today's Future Stars."[ giggles ] Today's future star is super hunktastic, Justin Thomas Nicholas! [ bounces on sofa ]

[ picture of a baby is shown ]

Girls: Aw, he's adorable. I can't believe how cute he is....

Sissy: Nine-month old Justin is an international singing megastar and recently completed his third album [ holds up three fingers ] featuring remixes of his European hits Boobies Equal Life, Crib Shuffle, and I Want To Give It To You Hard.

[ all scream ]

Sissy: Okay, you guys. He just signed a deal with Dreamworks to do a a miniseries loosely based on his life co-starring Hume Cronyn and Seth Green!

[ all squeal ]

Jessica: [ bounces ] Oooh-ooh! Speaking of which, we have a very special guest with us!

Sara: Oh, my God! Seth Green! Is he here?

Jessica: No, not S.G, but the man who manages him and the hottest teens in the biz. From the management firm of Coach, Balls, and Cockenboldt, please welcome Renee Aupens!

All: [ bounce on sofa ] yell: Renee!Renee! [ clamor around him ]

Jessica: Welcome Mr. Aupens!

Sissy: Renee!

Renee: Do me a favor, call me Renee alright?

Sara: Renee, you work with some of the hottest hunks in Hollywood!

Sissy: You do! Can I ask you? What's it..What's it like to work with Seth Green?

All: Oh, My God!

Sissy: AH! He's so cute!

Renee: Oh, Greeny's a gas. You know what I mean? Sometimes he'll come to my ranch and make Gardenburgers and get silly. Other times, you know, we're sad. Why don't you ask? Ask him, is what I'm saying. [ points to wings ]

Jessica: Oh, my God! Is he here?

All: He's here? Oh, my God!

Renee: Ask him. He's here. He's here. In fact, a few of my clients are here. Oh, boys!

[ Seth, Howie and David walk on ]

[ girls scream ]

Renee: Stop it. Stop it. Hold your ponies, gals.

David Boreanaz: [ blows kisses at Gladys ]

Renee: Ladies, feast your eyes on a stable on hunkasauruses. From Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a two-pack tasty dream cakes who I'd like to give both of them a nude hug. Masters David Boreanaz and fresh face Seth Green!

Girls: Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Renee: From the Backstreet Boys, who wouldn't like to drive a hard little car up his backstreet? Oh! Howie D! These are my three talented dreamboats!

All: Oh, Howie D!

Sara: [ laughs ] Ok, so hunks, what's it like to be managed by Renee?

David Boreanaz: Well, you know, he's very....he's good. Wouldn't you guys say he's good? Huh?

Seth Green: Yeah, he's very...aggressive.

Howie Dorough: Right, I mean he's definately a shock on the phone, but I really don't like being alone in a room with him.

David Boreanaz: He's a real [ tisk tisk ] hands-on manager.

Seth Green: A little too hands on.

Howie Dorough: Yeah, in fact I wish he'd be a little more hands-off.

Renee: Well, well, what can I say? This is my coven of cuties here I'm talking about. Coven of cuties.

Sissy: What a dream is must be to work with so many hunkasauruses.[ giggles ]

Jessica: [ bounces ] Uh-huh

[ chainsaw revs ]

Jessica: Uh-oh! That completely inappropiate chainsaw sound means we're out of time. We'll see you next time on...

All: Tiger Beat's Ultra Super Duper Dreamy Love Show!

[ Jessica and Gladys jump on David ]

[ Sissy and Sara jump on Seth ]


Submitted by: Bri of sarah.mygirls.org for Sarah-Michelle-Gellar.com


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