Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 24: Episode 17

98s: Sarah Michelle Geller / Backstreet Boys

The Zimmermans

Karen Hopkins.....Sarah Michelle Gellar
John Hopkins.....Chris Parnell
Laura Zimmerman.....Cheri Oteri
Jim Zimmerman.....Chris Kattan

Laura Zimmerman: [ pouring a glass of tea ] Honey, do we really have to rent this place? I love it.

JIm Zimmerman: Oh, honey,come on. It's just for the summer, okay? We'll be back next year. [ kiss ] Ok, promise? [ knock at the door ]

Laura Zimmerman: Ok, that must be the Hopkins. Come on in! [ John and Karen come in ]

Laura Zimmerman: Hi.

John Hopkins: Hey, I'm John. This is my wife Karen. [ points to her ]

Laura Zimmerman: Hi, hi, Karen.

Karen Hopkins: Hi, it's really beautiful up here.

Jim Zimmerman: [ shakes hands ] I'm sorry, I'm Jim and this is my better half, Laura.

Laura Zimmerman: [ laughs ] Oh, really? Oh, what half is that?

Jim Zimmerman: What do you mean by that?

Laura Zimmerman: Is it the front half you like better or the back half? [ twists back and forth ]

Jim Zimmerman: Gimme that front, gimme that back.. [ continues while she twists back and forth ]

John Hopkins: Well, I see..uh, the deer isn't the only one who's horny in this cabin.

Jim Zimmerman: Jim, it's a nice family community up here. Take it easy.

Karen Hopkins: So, Laura, does it get really buggy up in here in the summertime?

Laura Zimmerman: Uh-oh, I think I just got bit. [ Jim applies repellent ] Put more up there. Put more. I need more. It really itches.. Ooh, that's a big stinger! That one's gonna swell.. You give me that stinger!

Jim Zimmerman: [ comes over and seperates them ] Make way for the Orkin man! He'd like to see the rest of the house.

Karen Hopkins: You know honey, I'd like to get stung like that sometime. [ sidles up against him ]

John Hopkins: Honey, hush. So, Jim, how's the fishing up here?

John Hopkins: Oh, are you kidding? Bear Lake is stocked with some of the fin-

Jim Zimmerman: There's one animal I don't mind going after. That pesky little beaver.

Laura Zimmerman: [ sighs and looks up ] You do, do ya?

Karen Hopkins: What's so bad about the beaver?

Jim Zimmerman: They piss me off. They like to build big... strong....dams... I'm going to mount that beaver. I'm going to shoot that beaver and mount it on the wall. [ points to the wall ]

Laura Zimmerman: Mount it! Mount it now!

John Hopkins: Come on, I thought we are adults here. I haven't heard a woman's you-know-what called that since high school.

Jim Zimmerman: We're talking about beavers, buddy. You know, the animal? I don't know what one you're talking about.

Laura Zimmerman: Wanna play rough in the woods? [ shoves John ]

John Hopkins: Yeah, I'll play rough in the woods.

Laura Zimmerman: Oooh, I like it from the lady. [ slaps Karen ]

Karen Hopkins: How about that?! [ slaps her on the butt ]

John Hopkins: this what you want? [ pulls down his pants ]

Jim Zimmerman: What is that some old vanilla Tootsie Roll? Oh, my God!!!

Karen Hopkins: Oh, my God! That's what it looks like in the light?! [ her and Laura hug ]

Jim Zimmerman: [ shoves John up against the wall by his neck ] There's family up here, you pervert!

Laura Zimmerman: Why don't you take your little cocktail weenie and get the hell out of here!

Karen Hopkins: Oh, my God! You can walk, I'm taking the car, you pig! [ stalks out ]

Laura Zimmerman: [ runs into Jim's arms ] Oh, my God, baby. I DON'T WANT TO RENT! I DON'T WANT TO RENT!

Submitted by: Bri of for

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