TV Funhouse




[ Lorne Michaels walks onstage at SNL's 25th Anniversary special ]

Lorne Michaels: Hi. I'm Lorne Michaels.

[ presses "Applause" button on remote control, forcing applause from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses "Bottom Shock" button on remote control, eliciting a standing ovation ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Thank you.

[ presses "Misty Eye" button on remote control, eliciting tears from his audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you. Really. [ applause quiets ] You know, I think it was when John and Danny were coming into their own, and Chevy came back to host, that the show really had that thing of "Are we a hit? Now is a-"

[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with "Edited For Time" SUPER ]

[ cut back to Lorne finishing his speech ]

Lorne Michaels: ..and now Jimmy Fallon is hot, and that's the show!

[ presses "Bottom Shock" button on remote control to awake his sleeping audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you.

[ presses "Ejecto Magnet" button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler flying into his arms for a hug ]

Lorne Michaels: Thank you, Mike. Adam, that's really not necessary. Thank you both.

[ presses "Release" button on remote control, sending Mike Myers and Adam Sandler running back into the audience ]

Lorne Michaels: We've had a lot of fun tonight, but, as you know, "Saturday Night Live" isn't just about glitzy guests and fabulous outfits and glamorous parties. It's also about merchandising. No self-congratulatory celebration would be complete without a nod to the hot new line of "SNL" anniversary gear you'll be hearing about in loud commercials during the 2 AM Jay Leno show.

[ Lorne holds up first product ]

Lorne Michaels: First, Conehead Suppositories. Beldar and his family are anything but regular, but why shouldn't you be?

[ Lorne holds out next product ]

Lorne Michaels: Here's the Dennis Miller Squeeze-Me Doll.

[ Lorne squeezes the doll ]

Dennis Miller Squee-Me Doll: And what about the people who transverse the entire Gatston Purchase with their f--king turn-signal off? What do you think that clicking sound is, Assface?!

[ Lorne holds out last product ]

Lorne Michaels: And, finally, Chico Escuela's Berry Berry Good Orange Drink. I was in St. Bart's when they approved this one.

And if that's not enough, here's a few quick clips from the 45th Anniversary show, available on VHS.

[ cut to futuristic clip of heavyset Wayne and Garth ]

Wayne & Garth: We're not.. worthy! Sch..wing!

[ cut to futuristic clip of wrinkly Paul Simon singing ]

"Still crazy after all these yearrrrrsss.."

[ cut to futuristic clip of elderly Lorne Michaels wearing tissue boxes for shoes ]

Lorne Michaels: And I think it was when Chevy first did Ford that -

[ Lorne is zapped by lightning ]

[ cut back to present-day Lorne Michaels addressing his present-day audience ]

Lorne Michaels: Yes, the "SNL" anniversary is the talk of the town, and the hottest ticket. Everyone wants a seat to this show. The only hard part is whom to choose. [ bites pinky finger ]

[ singing ]

"So many performers
all deserving, you'll agree
But someone has to seal their fate
I suppose.. it.. should.. be.. me!

Let's put Steve and Billy in the front
with Molly in between!
Michael Hall and Terry Sweeney
feel like Row 14!

For Victoria and Garrett,
Row 9 should do!
Let's put Gwyneth in Row 1
and the Paltrows in Row 2!

For Jon it's tough to pick it
but I think Row 8's the ticket!

Now, let's balcony the cast
from the years I was away!
Could we possibly booth the Green Room
for Andrew "Dice" Clay?

Robin Duke and Gary Kroeger
can have a pleasant chat
Seated 20 rows behind
Eddie Murphy and his ca-a-a-a-attt!"


[ cut to NBC Peacock holding stopwatch with "Edited For Time" SUPER ]

[ cut back to Lorne putting the finishing touches on his act ]

Lorne Michaels:
"'Cause it's.. my... sho-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-owwww!!"

[ a la Bugs Bunny cartoon, Jon Lovitz holds Lorne to as high a note as possible, until the room caves in over him ]

Jon Lovitz: [ walks past, chewing on carrot ] Yeah, that's the ticket!

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts