Nick the Lounge Singer
Nick Thinblood.....Bill Murray
Jimmy Joe Red Sky.....Dan Aykroyd
Niece Natasha.....Laraine Newman
[ open on Paul Shaffer pounding the keys of his piano at the opening of the Omagawli Casino ]
Nick Thinblood V/O: Ladies and gentlemen.. the Entertainment Division of the Omagawli Nation proudly welcomes you to the opening of its Exhibition Hall/Antique Car Show/Moving Casino! We're proud to introduce to you, without reservation, our host for the festivities for this evening, Mr. Nick Thinblood!
[ Nick Thinblood steps out ]
Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]
So proud to win
So proud to double-down and let it ri-ide!"
Pinch me, somebody, yeah! What a hot night, thank you! Thank you! 7-come-11, we're gonna have a hot time tonight! I'm Nick Thinblood - originally Nick Ansara, but I changed my name to the Omagawli Thinblood when I found I was 1/256th Omagawli. Which cuts me in on the Friends and Family profit-sharing, which we're all crazy about! Hey! Are we gonna tear this place up tonight, Paul, or what?
Paul Shaffer: Yes, we are.
Nick Thinblood: You know, the Omagawli have been in this valley for 7,000 years - or maybe it just seems that way! And they've always been a gambling nation. Always been a gambler. They took a chance on the white man. I'm kidding! I'm kidding! That may not heal everything, but this is finally one red nation that's gonna get into the black. What a glittery, glittery night we've got here for the Omagawli..
[ walks amongst the audience ]
Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, celebrities, celbrities.. [ points to Jerry Seinfeld ] I know you! You're.. uh.. you're great, I love you, you're fantastic! [ points to Cheri Oteri ] Oh, and you, when you do your thing and you fluff it up, that's great, I love that!
[ points to Michael Douglas in the audience ]
Oh! I am such a huge fan.. of your father! Would you say hi to for me, because I really love him..
[ points to Catherine Zeta-Jones ]
Mrs. Zorro! Oh, God! [ to celebrity sitting next to her ] Excuse me.. excuse me, I'm light! [ sits down to talk to Zeta-Jones ] Oh, my God! And you have that great name! Jones! That's great! Ah.. [ singing ] "Me and.. Cathy.. Zeta.. Zita?" Is it Zeta or Zita? Zeta? [ singing ] "Zeta, Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones! Zeta-Jones!" [ mimes fencing ] On guard! Hey, nice outfit, muchas gracias. Would you give my regards to Mr. Don Diego del a Vega for me? Thank you very much!
[ Nick makes his way through the audience to get back ot the stage, but stops when he sees Drew Barrymore ]
Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God, look at the profile on this one. Runs in the family, huh? [ to the stage ] Could you turn off my mike for one second? [ kneels in front of Drew ] We're so glad you cleaned up! [ to the stage ] Mike back on! Mike back on! [ to Drew ] I'd like to dedicate something for you.. [ singing ] "Don't go chasing waterfalls.. please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.. I know that you're gonna have it your weay or nothing at all.. but I think you're moving too fast!" You take, little Precious, okay?
[ Nick returns to the main stage as entrance music pots up ]
Nick Thinblood: Oh, excuse me! I'd like to give an introduction to somebody who needs an introduction, because.. all of you are celebrities, but none of you are a chief. And, quickly - a chief does not receive a standing ovation. Uh.. this man is a visionary, he's a seer.. he's a developer, a contractor to the Notary Republic. Please welcome the ??Tuti Koppel?? of the Omagawli, Mr. Jimmy Joe Red Sky. Chief Red Sky!
[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky enters stage with his Niece ]
Nick Thinblood: Good eveing, Chief. And who is this lovely young maiden.
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Oh, this is my lovely niece, Natasha Metzer.
Nick Thinblood: Oh, my God.. Jimmy Joe is like the Donald Trump of the Omagawli nation, is that right?
Niece Natasha: Donald Trump, ha! New money. You know, he's got a couple of buildings, he knows Butkus. You know, Jimmy Joe's great uncle, he used to own all of Manhatten and the five bouroughs.
Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ]
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: They lost it all on a lacrosse game, but it's a great night tonight. And I want to thank our local congressman, Chris Dodd, for giving us that lovely freeway off-ramp which got everybody to the casino in record time tonight!
Niece Natasha: Go ahead, honey, tell them why.
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, we got that off-ramp because, I'm proud to say, the Omagawli tribe was provided with the opportunity to underwrite the government funding for the entire Kosovo War!
Nick Thinblood: Oh, that's great! Leave it to the Omagawli to still trust the white man. I love that! Hey, Chris Dodd, too, how about that? Hey, have you had any luck here this opening week, Chief?
Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Well, Nick, you tend to have a good bit of luck when you own the asino.
Nick Thinblood: [ laughs ] I love it! you two have a great time tonight at the Cheyenne Suite!
[ Chief Jimmy Joe Red Sky and his Niece exit the stage ]
Nick Thinblood: So special. So special. Okay, hold it, hold it, hold it. [ walks up to Garrett Morris in the audience ] Here's that Standing O you've all been waiting for - one of the original "Saturday Night Live" guys, Mr. Garrett Morris, everybody! [ the audience stands and applauses ] It's all for you, G-Man! [ quiets the audience down ] I've got to continue! I have to finish here! Please! What's opening night doing for you, Garrett?
Garrett Morris: Uh.. blackjack tables bin berry berry good to me!
Nick Thinblood: Alright! Alright! You know, you "SNL" guys are having your own party tonight. 25-year anniversary, how about that, huh?
Garrett Morris: Yeah, Nick, you know what? I bet this show is gonna go on for another 25 years.
Nick Thinblood: Oh, say Amen to that, man.
Garrett Morris: Amen! Amen! Halleluah!
Nick Thinblood: [ singing ]
"In the year 2525
if network television can survive
and if Lorne Michaels is still alive
there will be a "Saturday Night Live"."
Garrett Morris: Hey.. hey.. lookie here, you know what? That was better than the original!
Nick Thinblood: Oh, you're too kind, Soul Man! You know, it occurs to me that "SNL" and the Omagawli have something in common. I mean, at one time we were both very culturally important, and then trashed, and then on the bottom, spat upon, and now rising again like a phoenix in the ashes. I don't think it matters what people out there think, I think it means a lot what happens.. [ taps his chest ] ..in here. You know what I'm saying? Right in here.
[ returns to stage, singing "Badlands" ]
"For the ones who had a notion,
A notion deep inside,
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
I wanna find one face that ain't looking through me
I wanna find one place,
I wanna spit in the face of these badlands!"
Garrett! Help me with a pause for the cause, Garrett Morris!
[ Garrett appears in an oval on the left side of the screen ]
Garrett Morris: Sure!
Nick Thinblood: A little something for the hearing-impaired, would you mind?
Garrett Morris: Sure, Nick, right on, man!
Nick Thinblood: Live..!
Garrett Morris: Live..!
Nick Thinblood: ..from New York..!
Garrett Morris: ..from New York..!
Nick Thinblood: ..it's Saturday Night!
Garrett Morris: ..it's Saturday Ni-ight!