Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1




99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Morning Latte

Announcer...Darrell Hammond
Tom Wilkins...Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye...Cheri Oteri
Eli Van Rye...Chris Parnell
Dr. Jedediah Purdy...Jerry Seinfeld

[Morning Latte Credits]

Announcer: Good morning; grab a cup and get ready for Morning Latte!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Wow!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Geez!

Tom Wilkins: Woo!

Cass van Rye: Wow!

Tom Wilkins: Welcome to the Latte, I'm Tom Wilkins. What a tough morning!

Cass van Rye: Woo! And I'm Cass Van Rye! Yikes!

Tom Wilkins: Yikes!

Cass van Rye: Yikes!

Tom Wilkins: It's not even ten a.m. and we've lost a producer and a hairdresser.

Cass van Rye: I'm telling you, talk about Murphy's Law, what happened? What just happened?!

Tom Wilkins: I'll tell you, I'll tell you what happened!

Cass van Rye: What happened?

Tom Wilkins: I'll tell you what happened. Cass's hair person Tito just ripped her a new one. Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Well, Tito was late, and I said to him, "Hey, okay, I celebrate your gay Hispanic culture, my friend..."

Tom Wilkins: You're here and you're queer, we know.

Cass van Rye: We know, we know, okay. "But smoking ecstasy and raving 'til dawn with your gay buddies is no excuse for tardiness!"

Tom Wilkins: No, no.

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: No.

Cass van Rye: Come on! And then he did this snapping thing [snaps fingers repeatedly] like this to me...

Tom Wilkins: Uh-huh, right...

Cass van Rye: ...and then left. Tom, it was like this right in my face.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah. No, no, I saw it, I saw it. [grabs her aggressively to stop the annoying snapping while Oteri tries not to laugh] I was there, I was there. Now the snapping thing happened after you called him a dirty brown he-she. Yeah. Now, and to make matters worse, our producer of two weeks, Shelby Gaines, quits over losing a parking spot.

Cass van Rye: What's that about?

Tom Wilkins: What up? What up?

Cass van Rye: What's that about? What up?

Tom Wilkins: My new Expedition takes up one and a half spots but sorry, Shelby, talk to my Ford dealer.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Or to my hand.

Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand.

Tom Wilkins: Talk to my hand.

Cass van Rye: Talk to his hand. You know, luckily I had -- I called my husband Eli out of a merger meeting so he could come to the studio to bring me the back of my earring.

Tom Wilkins: And we just slapped some headphones on him. So folks, will you please welcome our producer for the day, Mr. Eli Van Rye.

[shows eerily relaxed and quiet Eli Van Rye]

Tom Wilkins: [laughs]

Cass van Rye: Hi, pooker.

Eli van Rye: Cass. Tom.

Cass van Rye: Aah, that's my little Jew.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, hey. I finally saw The Sixth Sense last night. That little boy: what a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo!

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: What a weirdo.

Cass van Rye: Strange duck.

Tom Wilkins: Weird!

Cass van Rye: Yeah, you know what The Sixth Sense was a good movie, Tom, but if you want to talk about an amazing piece of cinema, I'm sorry, I've got three words for you: Wild Wild West.

Tom Wilkins: Yes.

Cass van Rye: Come on.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh.

Cass van Rye: Come on.

Tom Wilkins: Will Smith, Calvin Klein---- don't make us wait too long for the sequel, please.

Cass van Rye: Kevin Kline. Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, Kev. Right, Kevin.

Cass van Rye: And I'll tell you something. Move over, Abbott and Costello; here comes Smith and Kline.

Tom Wilkins: Yes. Yes. Hey, this presidential election, what about it?

Cass van Rye: It's heating up, Tom, it's heating up. It really is.

Tom Wilkins: I'm a little worried about Bush's insatiable hunger for cocaine.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: What a coke monkey.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Little coke monkey, yeah.

Cass van Rye: How many times do I have to say this? Drugs is a disease, folks!!! Get it through your head!

Tom Wilkins: You heard it right here. Yes, Cass. You know this because your husband Eli is a recovering alcoholic.

Cass van Rye: No, he's just an alcoholic, Tom.

Tom Wilkins: Oh, okay.

[Eli looks dejected and embarrassed]

Cass van Rye: Plus, plus, keep in mind he's on a combination of anti-depressant, anti-anxiety drug, Zoloft, and Buspar.

Tom Wilkins: Yes, How you doing, pal?

Eli van Rye: Top of the world, Tom.

Cass van Rye: You know Eli's doing fine, Tom, but the side effects are rough.

Tom Wilkins: Okay.

Cass van Rye: It's given him a real metallic odor to his breath.

Tom Wilkins: Oh.

Cass van Rye: Offensive, offensive.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah, yeah.

Cass van Rye: And it has completely wiped out his ability to ejaculate.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, keep us posted, buddy. Keep us posted, buddy. Well, I will tell you what is up-and-coming, our first guest and his new diet book. Please welcome Dr. Jedediah Purdy.

[audience applaudes as Purdy enters and all sit]

Cass van Rye: Woo, welcome. Look at you.

Tom Wilkins: You look great.

Cass van Rye: He's thin.

Tom Wilkins: Like a lady.

Cass van Rye: He's thin. He's like a woman.

Tom Wilkins: Look at that little booty on you.

Cass van Rye: Yeah, he's like a woman.

Tom Wilkins: Tell us about the book.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it's called "The Realm."

Cass van Rye: Ooh, "The Realm."

Tom Wilkins: "The Realm."

Cass van Rye: Yeah, "The Realm." Now see, I don't know what that means.

Tom Wilkins: No, sounds English.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it's like "The Zone," but some people feel trapped in a zone. So there's little more room in "The Realm."

Tom Wilkins: Not as confining.

Cass van Rye: No, now I'll tell you Jed, um, I'm on the zone and I'm really happy with it. It's really working for me.

Tom Wilkins: [shaking head] No, no it's not. No, you should see yourself in shorts. Right, Eli? [Eli nods with no expression on his face]

Jedediah Purdy: Well, with "The Realm," the weight loss is slow at first, but then it drops off. [hits Cass in the head unintentionally and unnoticingly with the book]

Cass van Rye: Right.

Tom Wilkins: Now, tell me, Jed. I'll tell ya. I wanna know what is on the diet.

Cass van Rye: Yes.

Tom Wilkins: Tell us what's on the diet.

Cass van Rye: Yes.

Jedediah Purdy: Well, it's fruit in the morning, and meat for the rest of the day.

Cass van Rye: Ooooh, now can I eat pizza on your diet?

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Jedediah Purdy: No. No bread, no cheese.

Cass van Rye: How about plain pizza?

Tom Wilkins: Sure.

Cass van Rye: No one gets hurt.

Jedediah Purdy: No!

Cass van Rye: Oh, okay, how about this? How about cheese, tomatoes, and some bread?

Jedediah Purdy: No, that's pizza. It's just fruit and meat!

Cass van Rye: What about a pizza bagel? It's small, it's smaller.

Tom Wilkins: [grabs Cass by the neck] You can't have the pizza, Cass, let it go. Let me run this one by you, Jedediah. What about calzones?

Cass van Rye: Oooh.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass van Rye: Yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.

Cass van Rye: Calzones.

Jedediah Purdy: What are you people, idiots? Did you win the show on a contest? It's fruit and meat. Fruit, meat. Fruit. Meat. That's it.

Cass van Rye: Tom, we can have Hawaiian pizza.

Tom Wilkins: Ooh, pineapple and ham.

Cass van Rye: Yeah, that's it.

[thud]

Jedediah Purdy: What was that?

Cass van Rye: Oh, it's my husband, Eli, he's just having a seizure. It's just another side effect. It's okay. [Eli shakes violently on the floor]

Tom Wilkins: Okay.

Cass van Rye: That's okay.

Tom Wilkins: Can we get props to put a spoon in his mouth or a little chunk of leather or something?

Cass van Rye: What a morning, huh?

Tom Wilkins: Hey, hey, we'll be right back with Wolfgang Puck. He's gonna show us how to make gourmet pizzas.

Cass van Rye: Oooh, can I have a Gino's pizza roll?

Jedediah Purdy: Oh, the hell with the both of you! [knocks over platter of food and exits]

Cass van Rye: Eli, can you clean that up, honey? Eli?

Tom Wilkins: "The Realm."

Cass van Rye: Clean it up.

Tom Wilkins: "The Realm."

Cass van Rye: "The Realm." Eli, clean this up.


Submitted by: Jason Dignard


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