Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 1

99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Action 8 Newswatch

Connor Stands.....Jerry Seinfeld
Taffy Davenport.....Ana Gasteyer
Hale Breezy.....Chris Parnell
Sorrell Matthews.....Tim Meadows
Roger Sorkin.....Will Ferrell

Announcer: It's the 11 o'clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Stands and Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.

Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has been assassinated. But president of what? We'll tell you in the next half-hour. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: Connor, it's no bark and all bite for golden retrievers and other so-called family dogs. What's causing these sweet and furry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we'll tell you in a minute.

Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item - something we all have in our homes and are probably using right now - is found to be full of lethal poison. We'll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prison break, threatening to kill the person he meets in a large public area. Coming up, we'll tell you where, and Hale Breezy's gonna guide us through this evening's approaching monsoon.

Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm is moving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I'll give you tips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!

Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: you won't find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?

Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter Sorrell Matthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insects in your community.

Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48 hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may or not be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourself from this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bug repellents.

Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in one common everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurological disorder. We'll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?

Connor Stands: Another hint: you can't bounce it. More on that deadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report, Newswatch's own Taffy Davenport asks the question, "Are We Really Safe?"

Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Our children? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safety products safe? A new study says no. I'll wrap it up for you later in the hour.

Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, nor is it made of plastic. And you don't even have to use it for it to end your whole life. I'll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: And you don't want to miss tonight's Roger Sorkin Minute.

Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler's kneecap? You betcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousin did! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parked car eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don't panic? No, panic! Panic! Don't miss a minute of the minute!

Connor Stands: This just in - that household product has just gotten deadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.

Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?

Connor Stands: You'll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy, at the end of the hour.

Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top, live at the State Fairgrounds.

Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: he will be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what? We'll tell you after the break.

[ fade ]

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