99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie
Action 8 Newswatch
Connor Stands.....Jerry Seinfeld
Taffy Davenport.....Ana Gasteyer
Hale Breezy.....Chris Parnell
Sorrell Matthews.....Tim Meadows
Roger Sorkin.....Will Ferrell
Announcer: It's the 11 o'clock Action 8 Newswatch, with Connor Stands
and Taffy Davenport, and the entire Action 8 News Team.
Connor Stands: Our top stories tonight: the president has been
assassinated. But president of what? We'll tell you in the next
Taffy Davenport: Connor, it's no bark and all bite for golden
retrievers and other so-called family dogs. What's causing these sweet and
furry creatures to viciously attack sleeping toddlers? Stay, and we'll
tell you in a minute.
Connor Stands: Also tonight: a common household item - something we
all have in our homes and are probably using right now - is found to be full
of lethal poison. We'll tell you what it is at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: Also: a psychopathic sex criminal makes a prison
break, threatening to kill the person he meets in a large public area.
Coming up, we'll tell you where, and Hale Breezy's gonna guide us
through this evening's approaching monsoon.
Hale Breezy: Taffy, Hurricane Paula is here. The deadly storm is
moving fast and taking no prisoners! On my Weather Roundup, I'll give you
tips on how to keep the fatalities in your family to a minimum!
Connor Stands: And more on that deadly household object. Hint: you
won't find it in your refrigerator. Taffy?
Taffy Davenport: And, later in the hour, Big 8 Reporter Sorrell
Matthews gives us an update on the infestation of disease-bearing insects
in your community.
Sorrell Matthews: Taffy, a source close to the Mayor says that in 48
hours, all bugs will become carriers of a deadly virus that may or
not be the Bubonic Plague. But, not to worry. You can protect yourself
from this seemingly inescapable plague by using common everyday bug
Taffy Davenport: In a related story, a deadly toxin, found in one
common everyday bug repellant, is linked to a crippling neurological
disorder. We'll tell you which one later in the broadcast. Connor?
Connor Stands: Another hint: you can't bounce it. More on that
deadly household object coming up. And, on our Big 8 Special Report,
Newswatch's own Taffy Davenport asks the question, "Are We Really Safe?"
Taffy Davenport: Are We Really Safe? What about our schools? Our
children? The elderly? How about our pets? And, finally, are safety
products safe? A new study says no. I'll wrap it up for you later in the
Connor Stands: The lethal household product is not made of wood, nor
is it made of plastic. And you don't even have to use it for it to end
your whole life. I'll solve this puzzle at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: And you don't want to miss tonight's Roger Sorkin
Roger Sorkin: Can a potty chair crush my toddler's kneecap? You
betcha! Can mental patients buy automatic weapons at gun fairs? My cousin
did! Can an airbag spontaneously inflate and burn me while I sit in a parked
car eating my lunch? Hell, yeah! Don't panic? No, panic! Panic!
Don't miss a minute of the minute!
Connor Stands: This just in - that household product has just gotten
deadlier. And the longer you wait, the deadlier it gets.
Taffy Davenport: Is it a rubber band?
Connor Stands: You'll have to find out with everybody else, Taffy,
at the end of the hour.
Taffy Davenport: All these stories and an interview with ZZ Top,
live at the State Fairgrounds.
Connor Stands: More news on that presidential assassination: he
will be replaced by the Vice-President. But Vice-President of what?
We'll tell you after the break.
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