Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1






99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Oz

.....Jerry Seinfeld
Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger.....J.K. Simmons
Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher.....Lee Tergesen
Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O'Reily.....Dean Winters
Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill.....Harold Perrineau

Announcer: [ over scroll ] "On May 14th 1998, Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer were sentenced to one year in prison for violating the Massachusetts Good Samaritan Law. Then, due to a series of sarcastic quips Jerry made to prison guards, and a series finale regarded by most TV critics as "Satisfactory At Best", Jerry Seinfeld was transferred to a maximum security prison.

That facility is known as.."

[ cut to title card: "OZ" ]

[ show various fragments of Oz prison life - cut to Jerry carefully placing toilet paper around the rim of the toilet in his prison cell ]

[ show more scenes of prison life - segue to Jerry working out in the prison gym ]

[ show two male inmates making out in the shower, slow pan left to Jerry flossing his teeth at the sink, disgusted at the scene taking place behind him ]

[ open on Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, forming a huddle with some of the other inmates, as Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, descends the stairs in the background ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Listen up - Beecher's going down. In the shower. I'm gonna cut off his sac and stuff it in his mouth.

[ Jerry Seinfeld suddenly pokes his head into the crowd ]

Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, fellas. I noticed there's no cardio equipment in the gym. Is there another room somewhere?

[ the prisoners give Jerry a series of dirty looks ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Who are you?

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld. Pleasure to meet you! [ extends his hand ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You a Hebrew?

Jerry Seinfeld: Y-yeah. But people don't seem to have a problem with it on a national level. [ smiles ]

[ cut to Jerry standing next to ?? on the second-floor balcony ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with this place? It's so cliquey. On the other hand, I kinda like the hole. You know, they throw you in naked. It's like a spa. You know, you're not looking too good.

?? : Adebisi pricked me with an AIDS-infected needle.

Jerry Seinfeld: [ backing off ] Well.. good luck with all that! [ walks away ]

[ cut to the prison cafeteria - Jerry eating lunch with some of the other inmates. Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher, gives a dirty look to Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger, as he walks past the table. ]

Jerry Seinfeld: What is with you two?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Ah, you know. First, I was his bitch.. then he burned a swastika into my ass.. and then I took a crap in his face. And that started a whole.. thing!

Jerry Seinfeld: Tell me. I once dated a girl who I think was always wearing the same dress!

Prisoner #2: [ gives Jerry a strange look ] Anyway.. he nearly broke every bone in my body. I thought we were gonna make up, and he nailed me to the gym floor!

Jerry Seinfeld: Did he try to..?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: No. Nothing happened.

Jerry Seinfeld: You missed out on the make-up sodomy?

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: I missed out on the sodomy!

Jerry Seinfeld: The make-up sodomy's the best part of being nailed to a gym floor!

Prisoner #97B412, Tobias Beecher: Missed out, baby!

[ cut to Jerry leading a prison rap session in one of the cells]

Jerry Seinfeld: You think you can hold out longer than me?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O'Reily: I know I can hold out longer than you!

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Care to make it interesting?

Prisoner #97P904, Ryan O'Reily: A carton smokes?

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: I want in, too.

Jerry Seinfeld: You're all on. [ shakes pinkies with everyone ] Whoever goes the longest without committing male rape wins the Contest.

All: [ throwing up their pinkies ] Yeaaaaaaahh!

[ cut to Jerry surrounded by prisoners ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: You should have had Kramer on the stand!

???: Kramer's funny.

Jerry Seinfeld: Maybe I should have married Elaine. You know, the expectations were kinda high.

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, wheels up and throws his carton of smokes on the table ]

Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill: Well.. I'm out!

Jerry Seinfeld: You?!

[ Prisoner #95H522, Augustus Hill, throws his hands in the air ]

Prisoner #92S110, Vern Schillinger: Yeah.. I'm out, too..

Jerry Seinfeld: [ pause ] Me, too. [ pauses, then laughs ]

[ show a quick montage of scenes ]

Announcer: Next week, on "Oz".

[ cut to exterior, the hole ]

Guard: [ slides door open, revealing a naked Jerry in the background ] You alright?

Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, I'm good. [ steps forward ] There's no turn-down service, is there?

[ the Guard slides the door closed ]

[ fade ]


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