Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1




99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

...And A Pizza Place

Executive #1...Chris Parnell
Executive #2...Molly Shannon
Executive #3...Tim Meadows
Executive #4...Will Ferrell
...Rick Ludwin
Voiceover...Darrell Hammond
Chef...Horatio Sanz
Andy Dick...Chris Kattan
...A.J. Benza

[NBC studios, executives at table]

Executive #1: What if we moved "Law and Order" to Friday?

Executive #2: No...that would leave us with less than 13 hours of Stone Philips a week.

Executive #3: We can't do that, that would be like crapping in our own backyard.

Executive #4: [enters] Well, I think I have an answer to our little 8:30 problem. As you all know ABC has changed "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place" to "Two Guys and a Girl." Well, I just got off the phone with Doug Drasin in business affairs and we made a deal. We're bringing "...and a Pizza Place" to ding, ding, ding: NBC.

Executive #3: [laughs with acceptance]

Executive #2: I'm not with you.

Executive #4: Well, Janice, you know the show "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place?"

Executive #2: Yeah.

Executive #4: Can you name the girl?

Executive #2: Um...

Executive #4: Or how about just one of the two guys?

Executive #2: Uh...

Executive #4: But can you tell me where they generally eat at?

Executive #2: At a pizza place!

Executive #4: Thank you.

Executive #1: So you're saying---

Executive #4: I'm saying I just gave "...and a Pizza Place" a 13-episode on-air commitment.

Executive #2: But who's in it?

Executive #4: Whoever likes pizza! You want a slice?

Executive #2: Uh, sure!

Executive #4: You're in the show.

Executive #1: So a typical show would be---

Executive #4: Ah, there'll be some ovens, there'll be some tables. Maybe some garlic...I'm not a writer.

Executive #2: You know my daughter and her friends like pizza.

Executive #4: Hello? Teenagers, Pokemon, cha-ching!

Rick Ludwin: Teenagers, genius!

Executive #3: Yes!

[all clap with approval]

[NBC logo appears]

Voiceover: And now stay tuned for the premiere of "...and a Pizza Place."

[exterior of pizza restaurant, along with music and pedestrians walking by]

[title appears: ...and a Pizza Place]

[caption: Created by James Burrows]

[overhead shot inside pizza place]

[shot of guy eating pizza and drinking soda, canned laughter]

[pizza put on baking sheet, canned applause]

[back to board room, months later]

Executive #1: Here's the ratings for "Pizza Place."

Executive #4: Wow, what a dropoff.

Executive #3: Oh boy!

Executive #2: Ooooh, geez, the first six weeks we were blowing "The King of Queens" out of the water! What's the problem?

Executive #3: I'll tell you what's the problem, the show has been terrible lately. There's no calzones. The soda machine is broken. Some guy burnt the roof of his mouth.

Executive #4: I blame the writers.

Executive #1: Well, that's not our only trouble. Have you read any of the mail we've been getting? "What is this show? I don't get it. Why are you people doing this?"

Executive #3: Okay, wait a second, here's an idea. I had a very interesting lunch with a very appealing slice. Ricotta cheese.

Executive #2: Ooh.

Executive #3: Yeah. I had not seen that before.

Executive #4: Are we talking guest shot here?

Executive #1: I'll call the producer. [dials phone]

Chef: Hello, "...and a Pizza Place!"

Executive #1: Listen, Josepi, we've been going over the ratings and...

Chef: Well, don't-a worry, don't-a worry too much! We're going to have a strong week, next week-a. We gonna have the ices!!!

Executive #1: Alright, we had an idea we wanted to run by you. There's a slice of pizza we are very excited about. We want you to give it a guest shot.

Chef: Okay, what kind of slice-a?

Executive #1: It's gotta ricotta cheese on it.

Chef: Okay, let me talk to the writers. Hey guys, it's NBC. They wanna ricotta cheese-a slice-a. [writers are chefs]

Writer #1: Ricotta?

Writer #2: Yeah, we could do that.

Chef: Okay, they make-a you the slice, you pick it up.

Executive #1: No, no, no, no, we want it on the show.

Chef: Ok, it'll be ready about-a 15 minute.

Executive #4: How'd it go?

Executive #1: It'll be ready in 15 minutes.

Executive #4: Good, good. Let's get to work on Leno's monologue.

Executive #3: Alright.

Rick Ludwin: Leno, genius!

[all applaud]

[screenshot of 52nd Annual Emmy Awards]

Executive #4: Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Dick! [Dick approaches podium]

Andy Dick: Thank you, omigod!! I'm so glad to be here, wow! God, I just wish I wasn't so hopped on blow. I mean pills, omigod!!!! Why did I just correct myself?! Anyway, the nominees for best supporting actor are---David Hyde Pierce [stock footage], Peter Boyle [footage], a slice of ricotta cheese pizza [shown on chair with a bow tie], and John Mahoney! [more footage] And the winner is...God, I can't wait to go out tonight and have sex with a guy. Omigod!!!!! Why am I talking?!!! Where did that come from? And the winner is...Mr. David Hyde Pierce.

[scrolling dialogue with voiceover]

Executive #4: Even though it didn't win the Emmy, the slice of ricotta cheese pizza went on to win the People's Choice and the Viewers for Quality Television Award and was the odds-on favorite at the Golden Globes until it was accidentally consumed at a pre-show party by ER's Eriq La Salle.

[dark and dingy pizza place]

A.J. Benza: Fame, ain't it a bitch? [eats slice and throws the crust away]


Submitted by: Jason Dignard


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