Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 1





99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Perot's Reform Party

Ross Perot.....Cheri Oteri
Pat Buchanan.....Chris Parnell
Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond
Jesse Ventura.....Will Ferrell

[Caption: Reform Party Headquarters-Dallas, Texas]

Ross Perot: Gentlemen, I think we all know why we're here. [Chair swivels around to show strange Mr. Perot] Now, the Reform Party needs a new crazy leader. Now, maybe it might be Pat Buchanan [Buchanan is shown], or maybe Donald Trump [Trump shown puckering lips]; but it sure as Hell won't be me. [maniacal laugh]. Apparently, fellas, I wasn't insane enough for the American people. Now what we need is a real nutbag.

Pat Buchanan: I couldn't agree more, the American people....

Ross Perot: Pat, Pat let me finish! Would you let me finish, Pat? Now, I'm gonna ask you gentlemens a few questions.

Pat Buchanan: Go ahead.

Donald Trump: Shoot.

Ross Perot: Okay, Pat, you eager beaver; where do you stand on illegal aliens, Pat?

Pat Buchanan: Ross, we have a serious illegal alien problem in this country; foreigners in general are repulsive to me!

Donald Trump: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold the boat! The Donald employs an army of illegal aliens in as many fine Atlantic City hotels and casinos. Sure, they steal and talk funny, but if they're fresh off the burrito bar, they'll work for 15 cents a week. [laughs] I've seen it happen.

Ross Perot: Okay, fellas, that's all well and good, you see, but I'm not talking about foreigners. I'm talking about aliens, martians, come on!

Pat Buchanan: Martians?

Ross Perot: Yes, martians, you know, come on! The weird spacesuits, the rap music, Veracon and the million man marchs. Come on, don't tell me you haven't seen them with the ray guns?

Pat Buchanan: Oh, Ross, I for one would pass a law making it impossible for "martians" [all laugh] to have ray guns.

Ross Perot: Good answer, Patty, good answer!

Pat Buchanan: Oh, I desperately need that money and will say or do anything for it.

Ross Perot: I like the way you talk, Patty. Now what about weird ideas, fellas, reform party candidates always have weird ideas. American people like weird ideas. Whatcha got for me, Patty?

Pat Buchanan: Well, now I've been throwing some pro-Nazi stuff out there, seeing how it plays. I think the American people are very receptive. I want to try a little mustache, too here. Ya know, maybe make myself more recognizable. [Takes out Hitler mustache and puts it on] Huh? What do you say?

Ross Perot: I like it, I like it. Whatdya got for me, the Donald?

Donald Trump: First off, the Donald has a few plans for that staunchy and outdated old White House, you understand? Gentlemen, I give you the Trump House. [Reveals a drawing of the Trump House, resembling Trump Plaza Hotel] A 90-story deluxe government facility and gambling casino, all brass and class. And to top it all off, my campaign slogan: "I got it, you want it, come and get it!" [laughs] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, one more thing. Pat, you like chicks right? [Buchanan appears confused] Forget it. Ross, you like chicks, right? [Perot giggles excitedly] Okay. Alright, the interns under the Donald's desk are gonna be a lot classier than Monica Lewinsky. Ladies, come on in! [Three ladies begin to flaunt over the Donald]

Pat Buchanan: Now come on, this is ridiculous! America won't stand for this! This man is a cheap hustler with barroom morals. Ross, I beg you...

[Suddenly, a giant crash comes from the wall and Jesse Ventura enters enraged]

Ross Perot: It's Jesse! Run for your lives!!!

[Everybody exits except for Ventura and Buchanan appears to have fallen on the floor]

Jesse Ventura: [incredibly loud] I'm the leader of this party! I won in Minnesota! And I can take this country, and put it in a massive headlock! Now, get ready to get bodyslammed! [picks up dummy of Buchanan] Come here!

Pat Buchanan: What are you doing?!

[Ventura proceeds to viciously beat Patty]

Jesse Ventura: Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you! Now I got you!

Pat Buchanan: Put me down! Put me down! I want you to be my vice-president!

[Ventura then throws Buchanan out into the audience]

Jesse Ventura: What are you looking at America?! You think I'm a joke?! Well, you won't when I'm your next president! Oh, yeah..."Live, from New York, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!!!"


submitted by: Jason Dignard


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