99a: Jerry Seinfeld / David Bowie

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Jerry Seinfeld #1.....Jerry Seinfeld
Jerry Seinfeld #2.....Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.

Colin Quinn: Hi, I'm Colin Quinn, and here are today's top stories.

This week, Dan Quayle announced his withdrawal from the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Quayle cited the financial advantage of the George Bush campaign as a reason for his pull out, but emphasized that he nonetheless wishes his old boss all the best in his presidential bid.

When asked for his reaction to the Quayle withdrawal announcement, Pat Buchanan responded that Quayle was inferior, and needed to be eliminated.

A physical examination of Texas Governor George W. Bush revealed that the presidential hopeful is in excellent health with the minor exception of mild hearing loss. Doctors assured reporters that the hearing loss was to be expected -- You know how people always talk your ear off when you're doing coke with them?

A runaway chain reaction at Japan's Tokaimuna uranium processing plant Thursday, exposed thousands of people to dangerous levels of radiation. Japanese officials admitted that, although the radiation was bad, it was nothing compared to the time they had two atom bombs dropped on them.

Country music superstar Garth Brooks has adopted an alter ego for his new concept album entitled "In The Life of Chris Gaines." Funny, that's the exact same disguise I use whenever I go out to purchase a Garth Brooks album.

NASA admitted this week that the Mars Orbiter probe was destroyed after burning up in Mars' atmosphere because scientists failed to convert English units of measurements to metric ones. A real bunch of rocket scientists these guys are, huh? Despite the loss of the $125 million satellite, however, NASA says not to worry because it's only $1.25 in metric money.

A Kentucky man was arrested this week, after entering the home of actress Ashley Judd. The intruder was held by police until having his bond posted...by a desperate and lonely Wynonna.

Colin Quinn: And now it's time for tonight's Point/Counterpoint. Our topic: Should government impose tighter restrictions on so-called soft money campaign donations. Here to argue in favor of new spending limits is former television star Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld #1: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Quinn: And taking the Counterpoint is former television star Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld #2: Okay, Colin. Thanks a lot, buddy.

Colin Quinn: Gentlemen, your topic is campaign reform. Begin.

Jerry Seinfeld #1: What is going on with the Gap? First it was T-shirts and jeans - that was great. But now they're inventing clothes. Have you seen these new drawstring pants? Where am I going in this thing? A clambake?

Jerry Seinfeld #2: Jerry, what are we talking about? I love the Gap! It's like going in a closet, except there's a guy in there - "Hey, guy, pocket tee? Really? Thanks, guy! What, you're refolding it?" This place is great!

Jerry Seinfeld #1: Jerry, you ignorant slut. First they were swingdancing. Now they want us to wear a vest. It's stupid! I say, let's not wear the vest! We gotta stop these people!

Jerry Seinfeld #2: And the commercials! They're not even dancing for us anymore!

Jerry Seinfeld #1: Yes! Just this sullen line of teenage automatrons belting out orders!

Jerry Seinfeld #2: [ chanting ] "We're gonna dress you up in a vest! We're gonna dress you up in a vest!"

Jerry Seinfeld #1 & #2: "We're gonna dress you up in a vest!!"

Colin Quinn: Hey, fellas, you seem to have found a lot of common ground. Perhaps in the future, we shouldn't have a person debating himself.

Jerry Seinfeld #1: But he makes a good point.

Jerry Seinfeld #2: I like what this guy has to say.

Jerry Seinfeld #1: I know. You're me.

Jerry Seinfeld #2: No, you're not. I'm you!

Jerry Seinfeld #1: I know! I'm kidding!

Jerry Seinfeld #2: I know you're kidding!

Jerry Seinfeld #1: I know you're kidding about me kidding! I'm kidding!

Jerry Seinfeld #2: Wanna go see a movie?

Jerry Seinfeld #1: Yeah! Let's go!

[ the two Jerry Seinfelds exit ]

Colin Quinn: Thank you, Jerry Seinfeld. I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.