Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 2

99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps.....Tim Meadows
Roller Girl.....Heather Graham

Announcer: Oh yeah... It's time for the Ladies' Man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah what's hapnin' and welcome to "The Ladies' Man," the love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I'm Leon Phelps, and how you all doing tonight? Hm? (Crowd applauses) Yeah? Well that's good! I'm doing really good, 'cause I got my Covosseir right here, hahaha! And tonight, I wanna talk about the movies. Now, I don't mean the big hollywood blockbusters, with their cheap laughs and car crashes. No, I mean the sophisticated and intelligent films. Good old fashoined ones, with ladies wearing no underpants. That's right, it's time once again for... "The Ladies' Man's wonderful world of adult and erotic cinema!" I'm talking about pornos! Yeah, that was cool. Tonight, I will be joined by a very special celebrity guest critic, you problably know her from her work in the classic 1976 film, "Skanks on Skates." Please welcome adult cinima star, Roller Girl!

Roller Girl: Hi!

Leon Phelps: Have a seat! It is so nice to have you here.

Roller Girl: It's my pleasure, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Yes, now tell us why you're tonight's guest critic.

Roller Girl: Well, 'cause last night you told me if I had sex with you, then you'd put me on the show.

Leon Phelps: Shyeaahhaha.... Aaand?

Roller Girl: Oh yeah, well tonight on the show, we'll be looking at 4 classic adult films newly released on video, from my favorite era, the 70's.

Leon Phelps: Yeah that's right. Now our first film, in the 1977 release, is called "Officer and the Genitalman".

Roller Girl: IT stars Candy Buttsome, Fifi Latoosh, and Barney Penis.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, well Barney Penis is not a very inventive porn name, but he is a terrrific actor, which is why I really wanted to like this movie more. But the continuity was bad, and so distracting, and it took away from a very promising storyline about an officer's genitals.

Roller Girl: Well Leon, I liked it. It had a classic soundtrack, some inventie camerawork, and a whole lot of doggystyle!

Leon Phelps: Haha, yeah, well... there's such a thing as too much doggystyle... Wait a minute, what did I just say!? That is absolutley crazy, you're right Roller Girl, this is a great film!

Roller Girl: And now our next film is a gripping drama about crooked cops on the take, and the one man on the force willing to stand up to them. Plus, they hump alot.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, that's right. It's called "The Mod Squat".

Roller Girl: Now I for one loved this movie, but i bet you didn't like it, Leon.

Leon Phelps: On contrare, bonjour! I loved this movie! And strangley enough, it was because of the non-pornographic moments, like in this clip here.

Roller Girl: Let's take a look.

(The screen shows a naked woman, and 2 men, while another woman brings a cup of wine in. Classic 70 porno music is playing. The clip lasts about 3 seconds.)

Leon Phelps: Yeah, well that was the longest non-pornographic moment in the film, so... But right after that part, the Mod Squat got into some serious squattin', so...

Roller Girl: Yeah, I didn't see what you meant. That scene was very dramatic and well acted. Now our next movie is a bit of an odd choice, I don't think it's an adult film! It stars Bill Murray, and it's called "Meatballs". Did you pick this one Leon?

Leon Phelps: Yes, I did. Uhh, you see when I first rented it, I thought it was an adult film. I mean it is called "Meatballs". You know? But then I watched it, and this is one of the funniest movies ever made! I serious! If you like to laugh, do yourself a favor, and rent "Meatballs". Okay Roller Girl, our last film is very special for me, because you are in it. It is called "Space Knockers".

Roller Girl: That's right Leon. In it, I played Princess Lebia from the planet Boobula. I am sent to earth to have sex with every man.

Leon Phelps: Yeah, this film is a lost gem, I simply loved it! Especially your famous monologue, in which you say goodbye to every man on the planet Earth.

Roller Girl: Well alot of people ask me to do that speech.

Leon Phelps: Well it's some of the best writting I've ever seen. Would you please do us a favor and do it tonight? Please? Please? (She readies her helmet) This is gonna be good!

Roller Girl: (Sad piano tune starts playing) People of the Earth, when I was transmorted from the planet Boobula to your magnificent blue ball, my intentions were pureley erotic. WHen I first arrived, I *came* in peace. Now, with the help of you, Mr. President, and you, the pool cleaner, and you the field hockey team, I have enough sexual energy to orgasmiganicaly transmortify my way back to Boobula. I will miss you earthlings, I will miss your dongs. Good bye!

Leon Phelps: (Crying) Yeah that was great..! It's just that every time I hear that speech, I just think, why couldn't she stay? Why did she have to go back to Boobula?

Roller Girl: Well that's okay, I come back 9 more times!

Leon Phelps: Yeah, I know, I was in 3 of those movies! Well anyways, we are out of time here. Thank you for being here Roller Girl it's a pleasure. And we'll see you next time on "The Ladies' Man!"

Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda

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