99b: Heather Graham / Marc Anthony
The Ladies Man
Leon Phelps.....Tim Meadows
Roller Girl.....Heather Graham
Announcer: Oh yeah... It's time for the Ladies' Man.
Leon Phelps: Yeah what's hapnin' and welcome to "The
Ladies' Man," the love line with all the right
responses to your romantic queries. I'm Leon Phelps,
and how you all doing tonight? Hm? (Crowd applauses)
Yeah? Well that's good! I'm doing really good, 'cause
I got my Covosseir right here, hahaha! And tonight, I
wanna talk about the movies. Now, I don't mean the big
hollywood blockbusters, with their cheap laughs and
car crashes. No, I mean the sophisticated and
intelligent films. Good old fashoined ones, with
ladies wearing no underpants. That's right, it's time
once again for... "The Ladies' Man's wonderful world
of adult and erotic cinema!" I'm talking about pornos!
Yeah, that was cool. Tonight, I will be joined by a
very special celebrity guest critic, you problably
know her from her work in the classic 1976 film,
"Skanks on Skates." Please welcome adult cinima star,
Roller Girl: Hi!
Leon Phelps: Have a seat! It is so nice to have you
Roller Girl: It's my pleasure, Leon.
Leon Phelps: Yes, now tell us why you're tonight's
Roller Girl: Well, 'cause last night you told me if I
had sex with you, then you'd put me on the show.
Leon Phelps: Shyeaahhaha.... Aaand?
Roller Girl: Oh yeah, well tonight on the show, we'll
be looking at 4 classic adult films newly released on
video, from my favorite era, the 70's.
Leon Phelps: Yeah that's right. Now our first film, in
the 1977 release, is called "Officer and the
Roller Girl: IT stars Candy Buttsome, Fifi Latoosh,
and Barney Penis.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, well Barney Penis is not a very
inventive porn name, but he is a terrrific actor,
which is why I really wanted to like this movie more.
But the continuity was bad, and so distracting, and it
took away from a very promising storyline about an
Roller Girl: Well Leon, I liked it. It had a classic
soundtrack, some inventie camerawork, and a whole lot
Leon Phelps: Haha, yeah, well... there's such a thing
as too much doggystyle... Wait a minute, what did I
just say!? That is absolutley crazy, you're right
Roller Girl, this is a great film!
Roller Girl: And now our next film is a gripping drama
about crooked cops on the take, and the one man on the
force willing to stand up to them. Plus, they hump
Leon Phelps: Yeah, that's right. It's called "The Mod
Roller Girl: Now I for one loved this movie, but i bet
you didn't like it, Leon.
Leon Phelps: On contrare, bonjour! I loved this movie!
And strangley enough, it was because of the
non-pornographic moments, like in this clip here.
Roller Girl: Let's take a look.
(The screen shows a naked woman, and 2 men, while
another woman brings a cup of wine in. Classic 70
porno music is playing. The clip lasts about 3
Leon Phelps: Yeah, well that was the longest
non-pornographic moment in the film, so... But right
after that part, the Mod Squat got into some serious
Roller Girl: Yeah, I didn't see what you meant. That
scene was very dramatic and well acted. Now our next
movie is a bit of an odd choice, I don't think it's an
adult film! It stars Bill Murray, and it's called
"Meatballs". Did you pick this one Leon?
Leon Phelps: Yes, I did. Uhh, you see when I first
rented it, I thought it was an adult film. I mean it
is called "Meatballs". You know? But then I watched
it, and this is one of the funniest movies ever made!
I serious! If you like to laugh, do yourself a favor,
and rent "Meatballs". Okay Roller Girl, our last film
is very special for me, because you are in it. It is
called "Space Knockers".
Roller Girl: That's right Leon. In it, I played
Princess Lebia from the planet Boobula. I am sent to
earth to have sex with every man.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, this film is a lost gem, I simply
loved it! Especially your famous monologue, in which
you say goodbye to every man on the planet Earth.
Roller Girl: Well alot of people ask me to do that
Leon Phelps: Well it's some of the best writting I've
ever seen. Would you please do us a favor and do it
tonight? Please? Please? (She readies her helmet) This
is gonna be good!
Roller Girl: (Sad piano tune starts playing) People of the Earth, when I was transmorted from the planet Boobula to your magnificent blue ball, my intentions were pureley erotic. WHen I first arrived, I *came* in peace. Now, with the help of you, Mr. President, and you, the pool cleaner, and you the field hockey team, I have enough sexual energy to orgasmiganicaly transmortify my way back to Boobula. I will miss you earthlings, I will miss your dongs. Good bye!
Leon Phelps: (Crying) Yeah that was great..! It's just
that every time I hear that speech, I just think, why
couldn't she stay? Why did she have to go back to
Roller Girl: Well that's okay, I come back 9 more times!
Leon Phelps: Yeah, I know, I was in 3 of those movies!
Well anyways, we are out of time here. Thank you for
being here Roller Girl it's a pleasure. And we'll see
you next time on "The Ladies' Man!"
Submitted by: Lonnie Fukuda