Weekend Update with Colin Quinn .....Colin Quinn Marla Maples.....Cheri Oteri Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it's "Weekend Update with Colin Quinn." Colin Quinn: Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories. At a movie premiere this week, Monica Lewinsky revealed a new slimmer self to the paparazzi. She claims to have lost some thirty pounds since late summer and to have gained some much- needed confidence. "After all", remarked Lewinsky, "When I was heavier, the only man I could get was the leader of the free world." This week Larry King announced that his 39-year-old wife is pregnant again, prompting King to boast that he's "reinventing manhood." When reached for comment King's wife said, "Just get him off me, okay?" This week General Electric announced a recall of 3.1 million dishwashers. After hearing that there are over three million dishwashers in the United States, Pat Buchanan called once again for stricter immigration laws. For the first time since scientists began tracking air quality in the mid-1970's, Houston has supplanted Los Angeles as the smog capital of America. Houston will now go on to face New Jersey in the finals. At a party fundraiser last week, President Clinton said that he wished he could run for President again. When he was then asked what he would miss most about the Presidency, Clinton said, "You know what." Colin Quinn: This week, the Reform Party Presidential-hopeful, Donald Trump, has been involved in a nasty battle with ex-wife #2, Marla Maples, who threatened to "expose Trump for what he really is." Here, with a further comment, is Marla Maples. Marla Maples: THank you, Colin. You know, I was serious when I said Donald Trump would be exposed for what he really is - an arrogant model-chasing playboy creep. Colin Quinn: But that's what everybody already knows about him. Marla Maples: Oh. But you have to realize, Colin, that he wasn't always like that. If you could have just seen him with our daughter, Tiffany. We had so much fun together. But those happy days are gone now. It was all my fault, anyway, Colin, I.. I just shouldn't have turned 26. So stupid! Colin Quinn: Now, wait.. Marla.. I still think you're beautiful. Marla Maples: [ piqued ] You do? Colin Quinn: Yeah! I mean.. maybe we can go out. Marla Maples: Uh.. I don't know. [ laughing ] I mean, what do you grab here, maybe 100 grand a year, tops? I mean, I'm sure in Brooklyn that you've made it, but I mean, come on - this is Park Avenue cooch over here, my friend! Yeah, this is a whole different Georgia peach you're talking to, pal. You know what I mean, Skippy? See, you strike me as the kind of guy that, one big screw-up, next thing we're living over a candy store on Flatfish Ave. Am I right? Colin Quinn: Okay, I was just.. you know.. Marla Maples: [ touching Colin's suit ] Ooh! Where'd you get this suit? Colin Quinn: Oh, well it belongs to the show, but they said they'd give it to me when the season ends. Marla Maples: [ mimicking ] Well they said they'd give it to me when the season ends! [ laughs ] Listen, why don't you call me, Ace, when you have a closet full of those bad boys in New York, Zurich, and the Caymens. Capiche? Colin Quinn: Marla Maples, everybody. I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it. SNL Transcripts