Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Carol…..Ana Gastayer
Paul the silent husband…..Horatio Sanz



[ The "Millionaire" title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing ]

Regis : Well, Carol Yatse from Oil City, Pennsylvania, you’ve won 32 thousand dollars so far and I bet you have plans for that money, right Carol?

Carol : Ya, we’re um, home owners and we’re hoping to add on a sunroom.

Regis : Well, the next question is worth 64 thousand dollars, you could buy the SUN if you wanted! Are you ready?

Carol : I sure am, Regis.

Regis : All right here we go… Who is the voice of "E.T., The Extraterrestrial"?, is it Richard Dreyfuss… Debra Winger… Frank Oz… or Micheal J. Fox!

[ Carol thinks for a few seconds ]

Regis : YOU NEED MORE TIME?

Carol : Yeah!

Regis : Okay take all the time you need.

Carol : Can I have the question again please?

Regis : Hey absolutely. Who is the voice of "E.T". is it - The Extraterrestrial - is it Richard Dreyfuss… Debra Winger… Frank Oz… or Micheal J… Fox!

[ Carol breaks down and start crying ]

Regis : ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Carol : I don’t.. I don’t know…. Not really… I’m so sorry… I know this isn’t the place to do this…

Regis : Carol don’t worry about it people feel a lot of PRESSURE on this show.

Carol : It’s not, it’s really not the show so much you know what I mean. There is a lot of pressure on the show but, maybe it’s opening up a lot of other things…All this stuff I’ve been training in down.. for all this time… you know it.. I don’t know…

Regis : What do you want to do here Carol?

Carol : [still crying] I don’t - I don’t know what I want! I’m… I’m so embarrassed oh boy..

Regis : You wanna talk to someone?

Carol : No.. my.. my husband is out here in the audience

Regis : All right.. you wanna talk to him?

Carol : I do, I do but I can’t talk to him.. he’s SO shut down.. but it’s not just him.. I’M SHUT DOWN TOO! It’s like we feel each other you know Regis, and I love him so much – I love you so much Paul!

[ Camera switch to Paul, pointing his finger at himself and then at his wife meaning "I love you too!" ]

Carol : I love you.. oh my God!

Regis : What do you want to do Carol?

Carol : I don’t know.

Regis : Come on!

Carol : I’m usually so good at trivia and I should be having fun, but how could you have fun when, everyone expect me to keep it together all the time?

Regis : Carol this might be the right time to use one of your lifelines.

Carol : Maybe I should call my best friend Helen, she’ll know what to do.

Regis : All right our fr---

[ Carol blows her nose ]

Carol : …our friends at AT&T are gonna help us phone Helen and see if she could help.

Carol : Okay

[ phone rings and Helen comes on the line ]

Helen V/O: Yes?

Regis : Is this Helen?

Helen V/O: Yes it is.

Regis : This is Regis Philbin from ABC’s Who Wants to be a Millionnaire! We have Carol here who wants to talk to you…

Carol : Helen!

Helen V/O: Carol what is going on…?

Carol : [ still crying ] Helen this is so weird I can’t stop!

Helen V/O: Carol hold it together. You’re on a game show – have a wine or something, I can’t talk about this anymore I gotta go I’m sorry. [ Helen hangs off the phone ]

Carol : I’M GONNA CRACK IT UP!

Regis : Carol! [Regis claps his hands] Carol! CAROL! Look at me! Right here in my eyes! Regis PHILBIN right here! You’re just feeling "feeling scattered"! The biggest sin you’ve committed is being human! I know exactly what you’re doing, when the Joey Bishop show got cancelled I had PANIC attacks, then along came Live with Regis and Katie Lee and I had panic attacks about THAT being my legacy. Then along comes this show and I’m HIP again, I endorse fake batter count! Life is a roller coaster ride Carol, and it’s okay to feel scared on a roller coaster! And I give you permission to let it out!

Carol : I think I’m done.. I think I’m okay..

Regis : All right

Carol : Thank you Regis

Regis : Does that trivia queen wants to take another shot at the question?

Carol : Okay.. okay..

Regis : Let’s do it.

Carol : Okay…

Regis : Let’s do it - Who is the voice of "E.T"? - is it Richard Dreyfuss… Debra Winger… Frank Oz… or Micheal J… Fox!

Carol : The money really isn’t important is it Regis?

Regis : Let’s not get crazy Carol!

Carol : I’m... I’m just gonna say: "Richard Dreyfuss"

Regis : Is that your final answer?

Carol : Ya, it is…

Regis : I’m sorry Carol, that’s WRONG… it’s DEBRA WINGER and on a personal note you sure STUNK UP THE STABLE! We’ll be right back with more of Who Wants to be a Millionaire!

[ Fade out ]

Thanks to P-Y for this transcript!




SNL Transcripts