99e: Garth Brooks

The Devil Can't Write A Love Song

Milo.....Garth Brooks
Lucifer.....Will Ferrell
Girlfriend.....Ana Gasteyer

[ Scene opens with Milo trying to write a song with his guitar ]

Milo: [ singing ] "She’s staring over, a bowl of dreams.." Oh, God, no.

[ Girlfriend walks in ]

Girlfriend: Why aren’t you at work?

Milo: Oh hey honey, come here and sit down, I wanna play you this song.

Girlfriend: Why aren’t you at work?!

Milo: I got fired.

Girlfriend: What?!

Milo: I don’t need that stupid job, this one’s the one.

Girlfriend: You’re pathetic, Milo. You are a talent-less loser, and I’m not supporting you anymore. Send me a note when you win a Grammy, jerk!

[ she leaves ]

Milo: Well, fine! Fine, leave! You’ll see! I’m gonna be big, you’ll see. I’m gonna be…a big loser. Ugh, man, I’m never gonna go anywhere without a hit song. Dude, I would sell my SOUL for a hit song.

[ all of a sudden Lucifer appears ]

Lucifer: Arggh! [ with rock and roll music in the background ] I am Lucifer! And I have heard your request! And it shall be granted! Do you, Milo Jenkins, Truly wish to render your soul to me, in exchange for the success you crave?!? [music ends]

Milo: Yes sir I do. I mean, if I could have one hit song I know it would solve everything for me.

Lucifer: It shall be done! [ A flame comes over Milo, as he screams ] Now then forsaken soul, open thine ears, and sleek thy thirst on the music that could force kings to their knees!!

Milo: Yeah!

Lucifer: And oceans to boil! Behold, the song that will take you to the top of charts!!

Milo: Alright-

[ Lucifer takes his guitar and starts playing, very out of tune ]

Lucifer: [ singing ]
"There’s a guy named Fred and he’s got a pair of slacks.
Oooh Fred’s got slacks!
They fit down the sides and tight around the waist!
Ooh Fred’s got slacks.."

[ stops playing ]

Hold on a second. This thing is out of tune.

Milo: Man, I don’t wanna miff you, but that sucked.

Lucifer: [ defensive ] I said the guitar, was out of TUNE!! It wasn’t my FAULT!! "Fred’s Slacks" is a winner!! But fine! Here we go, I’ll give you another…Behold! This fiendish masterpiece, from the bowels of HELL!!!

[ begins to sing in a high pitched voice with the guitar still out of tune ] "Mondays!
Boy I hate Mondays!
They make me so steamed!
Weekends!
Talkin’ bout the Weekend!
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh , Oh, Oh.."

[ stops singing ]

Son of a bitch!! Is it humid in here or something, 'cause the guitar keeps getting out of tune!

Milo: Man, what kind of guitar is that?

Lucifer: It’s a hell-spun mixture of the bones of fornicators!! And the sinew of thieves and gluttons!!! MWUHAHAHAHA! [ pauses ] ..It’s uh, It’s a ‘Fender’.

Milo: Oh! Well, Man, look, maybe we should just call this deal off, 'cause uh, it just seems to me that you’re just not that good.

Lucifer: [ defensive ] OH REALLY? [ Thunder and lightening in the background ] Then where did this tasty lick come from?? [ plays an out of tune ditty on his guitar ] Uh-huh! Uh-huh! And on top of it, add this!

[ plays his guitar out of tune again and sings with a fake British Accent ]

"Zorgas borgas, I just got bit by the love bat, and its driving me MAD!!"

[ stops singing ]

Milo: What the hell was that?

Lucifer: Ok, just hold on. I’m just gonna jump into one without thinking. No thinking! I’m just gonna let it flow and let it flow now.

[ begins playing his out of tune guitar like a heavy metal group, while singing ]

"Fast car! On the highway!
On the byway! Mr. Robotron!"

[stops singing ]

–Ok, that’s not a good one, I gotta move on. I gotta move on, do you mind if I sit down?

Milo: No, no, please! Help yourself.

[ Lucifer sits ]

Lucifer: I can’t be so critical, just get out of my head and go, just go!

[ starts playing his guitar like an out of tune version of "All Star" by Smash Mouth ]

"Hey you, you’re a nice guy
Put your shoes on, hey you!"

[ stops playing ]

Milo: Ok, now hold on, that’s a Smash Mouth song with different lyrics!

Lucifer: No it’s not! It’s.. [ singing softly ] "Hey you, you’re a.." [ stops singing ] Oh what the frick! Cut me a break! This is hard!

Milo: Oh, well hey man, thanks anyway. But if it’s ok with you, I’ll just keep on pluggin’ and uh, truthfully, you kind of made me feel better about myself.

Lucifer- You know what’s hard is the F chord. It hurts my fingers.

Milo: Yeah, that’s a tough one, Mr. Devil. I tell you what.. [ yawns ] I tell you what else is tough—staying up this late, I’m sure you gotta go! So um…

Lucifer: Wait, Wait, Wait!! I think I got it, I think I got it, so here I go…

[ doesn’t use the guitar, but instead makes rapping sounds with his hands and does a rap ]

[ rapping ]

"Uh! I’m the devil, and I’m here to say,
I’m the most evil rapper in the U.S.A.
All my homies and my bitches say ‘Ohhhh’"

{stops rapping}

Alright, I’m leaving. I’ve embarrassed myself. I’m sorry about this.

Milo: No, no, that’s ok. These things happen you know.

Lucifer: I’m kind of tired, is it cool if I leave throught the front door?

Milo: Yeah, just make sure you jiggle the handle and make sure it locks on your way out.

Lucifer: Alright. Take her easy!

Milo: Yeah, you too!

Lucifer: [ singing ] "Take her easy…She’s my lady and that’s what I said.." [ stops singing ] Hey, that was good.

Milo: No. No.

Lucifer: Nope?

Milo: No.

Lucifer: Sorry. I’m gone! [ he exits ]

Milo: Alright. Man, the devil can’t write no love songs. Hey! [ picks up guitar and starts singing in tune ]

"Oh, the devil never could write a love song.
Didn’t seem to matter how much he tried.
And 'cause the devil never got his heart broke
and the devil never cried."

[ he keeps singing as the camera fades to black ]


Submitted by: Blake B.