Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 5




99e: Garth Brooks

Express Flowers

Receptionist #1.....Paula Pell
Receptionist #2.....Jimmy Fallon
Receptionist #3.....Rachel Dratch
Heather.....Cherie Oteri
Donnie.....Garth Brooks
Katie.....Ana Gasteyer

[ Establishment shot : Skyscrapers]

[ Shot : Express Flowers’ action center ]

Receptionist #1 : And where would you like those flowers sent to?

Receptionist #2 : So that’s a dozen roses to 143 Dustin Drive, ya?

Receptionist #3 : Would you like those in a vase or in a box?

Heather : Hello Express Flowers, this is Heather speaking, how may I help you today?

[ Split screen between Donnie’s house and action center ]

Donnie : Hum, yeah I wanna send like a dozen white roses to my girl.

Heather : Okay, and where would you like that deliver to?

Donnie : Hum, she’s in Tallahassee, it’s in Florida, 887 Clearview road.

Heather : Okay. And what would you like the card to say?

Donnie : Have it say uh "To Gwen, Some flowers for the one I love – Donnie"

Heather : Super. And what credit card-

Donnie : Hold on hold on, you know what? Scratch that! "To Gwen, I hope you’ve forgiven me – Love, Donnie"

Heather : Okay. All right, great! Now what credit card-

Donnie : No, no, no, that’s not it… "To Gwen, I screwed up, you screwed up, now let’s screw! - Horniest whishes, Donnie"

Heather : That’s what you want the card to say?

Donnie : Wait, wait, wait, stop! I got it all right? "Dear Gwen, jail changes a man, but I swear I’ll never bite your face in anger again - love T-J"

Heather : T-J?

Donnie : Yeah don’t worry about it…

Heather : Fine, now for payment, would-

Donnie : Hold on, hold on, hold on.. "P.S. Gwen, when I caught you on fours whoa-"… lemme try that again all right? "P.S. Gwen!" I wanna get this right you know? "…when I caught you on all fours with that stuntman at Universal Studios, I just lost it!"

Heather : You know sir usually people just say that they’re sorry or/and, that they’re in love.

Donnie : Hey, hey, hey! why don’t you write it in Doctor Frasier Crane!

Heather : I’m sorry, please go ahead.

Donnie : All right, how about this? "Gwen, here’s the bottom line, I got 800 buck in the bank, a well toughened penis and an NFL football phone, ‘nuff said – Love, The Genius"

Heather : Great.

Donnie : Is it really?

Heather : You said you didn’t want my opinion.

Donnie : Oh, just tell me, is it great?

Heather : …No it’s not.

Donnie : Damn, I’m mad about this girl, all right here, we go, you’re ready?

Heather : Okay.

Donnie : "Dear Joleen, I want ya-

Heather : You mean Gwen!

Donnie : Oh no, no! This is Gwen’s sister. Screw Gwen she smells like shrimps and won’t do the weird stuff you know what I mean?

Heather : Okay, Joleen!

Donnie : Okay "Joleen, I send this note to you and flowers so Gwen wouldn’t get suspicious. Now here’s what I want you to do: get your step dad’s .38, force Gwen to give you her PIN number, then drive the Duster up here to Vancouver, so I can put my hands on your bathing suit area. – Fondly, the Night Dog"

Heather : That won’t fit on the card sir.

Donnie : Well jeez, I mean could you like fold up some paper or something?

Heather : You know what? Sure! Express Flowers aims to please.

Donnie : M’kay, I like the way you said that! You like eating uh, scrambled eggs and watching porn!

Heather : …No sir, not at the same time.

Donnie : All right, this is not entire, here we go "Dearest Gwen, since you left me, I’ve been tortured"

Heather : Hey, that’s good.

Donnie : No, no! I mean it, literally, I’ve been tortured by Renaldo, this guy who claims I whizzed in his kitchen, yeah he put dog food on my nuts and threaten he’d stick his roddy on me, now "Sincerely – The Fist of Love"

Heather : Okay, what credit card?

Donnie : Well, I uh, I don’t think you guys accept it.

Heather : What is it?

Donnie : It’s a… Curt Schilling baseball card, you take it?

Heather : No! [ Heather hangs up the phone ]

Katie : [ enters the set, eating scrambled eggs ] Hey baby? The eggs is done you wanna watch some porn?

Donnie : Hey, you know it Katie! That’s my life baby!

[ Katie gets on the couch ]

[ Fade out ]




Submitted by: P-Y


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