Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 5





99e: Garth Brooks

Wilson's

Female Customer #1.....Molly Shannon
Nadine.....Cheri Oteri
Female Customer #2.....Ana Gasteyer
Male Customer #1.....Tim Meadows
Roy.....Garth Brooks
Male Customer #2.....Chris Kattan

[ Female Customer approaches Nadine at the Merchandise Return desk ]
Female Customer: Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Nadine: How can I help you today?

Female Customer: I bought this Cappuccino machine and I think it's broken so I'd like to return it.

Nadine: Simmah down nah.

Female Customer: Excuse me?

Nadine: Everybody wanna return something, so just simmah down nah!

Female Customer: I wasn't even getting excited..

Nadine: Simmah down nah!

Female Customer: What are you talking about, this is ridiculous!

Nadine: Simmuuuuuuuh! Add it up; Simmah plus down, plus nah equals simmah down nah, now simmah down nah!

Female Customer: Oh my.. [ leaves in disgust ]

Nadine: Get to steppin' nah, y'hear? Who's up there? Who's up?

[ Couple approach ]

Female Customer #2: Hi, I think we're next, my boyfriend bought..

Male Customer #1: Yeah, we bought this shirt.

Nadine: Okay, everybody simmah down nah, one at a time!

Male Customer #1: Okay, well, I bought this shirt on sale, and...

Nadine: Give it here.

Male Customer #1: Okay..

Nadine: Give it here!

Male Customer #1: Okay, here it is.. [ he gives her the shirt ] One of the sleeves seems to be longer than the other.

Nadine: [ smells the shirt [ You wore it nah!

Male Customer #1: Well, I know, I had to try it on.

Nadine: Well, slow it down nah, simmah down..

Female Customer #2: Stop telling us to simmer down.

Nadine: Slow it down, nah!

Male Customer #1: Listen, we're not going to slow it down now either.

Nadine: Quiet down nah?

Female Customer #2: No. Let us speak to the manager.

Nadine: [ into microphone ] Roy, come on up, I need the manager now, y'hear?

[ Roy enters ]

Roy: Hi, I'm Roy, is there some sort of problem?

Male Customer #1: Yes, thank God, a normal person. Listen, your salesperson here..

Nadine: Nadine!

Male Customer #1: Okay, Nadine, okay, she's not being very helpful. She's very difficult.

Female Customer #2: Look, the shirt we purchased is defective and we want to return it, simple as that.

Roy: [ smells shirt ] Oh God.. You are aware, sir, this is not cloth toilet paper, aren't you? I mean, this is not underwear. It is meant to be worn on the upper part of the body, not drug through the valleys of your buttocks.

Male Customer #1: What the hell are you talking about?

Female Customer #2: I will never shop here again!

Roy: Everybody simmah down nah!

Male Customer #1: Okay, I wasn't upset before, but now I am furious!

Nadine: What happens when you cook greens at low heat?

Male Customer #1: You simmer them...

Nadine: Opposite of up?

Female Customer #2: Down.

Nadine: [ holds up "Now and Later," covers "and Later" with arm ] Now read this.

Male Customer #1: Now.

Nadine: Simmah down nah!

Male Customer #1: We don't need to simmer down now, we just need our money back.

Nadine: [ holding "Now and Later" ] Okay, not lah! Nah! Not lah! Nah! Simmah down NAH!

Roy: Hit me.

Nadine: Hit me.

Roy: Sim.. [ pause ] ..Muh.. [ pause ] ..Dahn.. [ pause ] ..Nah. Simmah down nah!

Female Customer #2: I cannot believe this store would hire you people!

Nadine: Quiet down nah! Quiiiiiiiiet down nah! Quiet down nah!

Male Customer #1: What disease do you people have?

Roy: [ holds up keys ] Key.. [ points to his armpit ] ..Pit.. [ holds up pillow ] ..Down.. [ holds up "ShaNaNa album, covers "ShaNa." ] Na. Keep it down nah! Store policy.

Female Customer #2: You know, I cannot believe that you can't handle a simple shirt return. What are you going to do for the holidays?

Nadine: Deck the halls nah?

Roy: Light menorah nah!

[ Couple leaves, as Male Customer #2 advances in line ]

Male Customer #2: I'd like to return this.

Nadine: Excuse me?

Male Customer #2: Take it back nah!

Nadine: Roy?

Roy: Don't worry, I'm on it..


Submitted by: Jordan Davidson


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