Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 5




99e: Garth Brooks

Great Moments in Corporate History

Samuel Kernan.....Will Ferrell
Secretary.....Ana Gasteyer
Karl Steer.....Garth Brooks
Frank Lizkulm.....Chris Parnell
Phil Don Levi.....Tim Meadows
Ciro Barkley.....Darrell Hammond
Andy Weiland.....Horatio Santz
Winston Laforge.....Jimmy Fallon
Jennifer Johnson.....Rachel Dratch

[ Establishment shot : Headquarters of Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. Sign in front of building reads :"Warner-Lambert: World Headquarters"]

[ Shot : Warner-Lambert executive meeting room. Samuel Kernan is standing up at the end of the table, talking to his staff. ]

Samuel Kernan : This is a great day for Warner-Lambert pharmaceutical. This merger with American Home Products will make it possible for two very powerful and respected companies to work together and as the single largest and most influential, drug supplier worldwide. And now when the executives from American Home Products arrive, I want all of you to join me and welcoming them.

Secretary : [ secretary enters the set ] People from American Home Products are here sir.

Samuel Kernan : Oh, wonderful! Okay, send’em in Ms.Chett

Secretary : [ secretary leaves the set ] Gentlemen, if you would? [ executives from with American Home Product enter the set ]

Samuel Kernan : Karl! How are you?

Karl Steer : How are you doing Samuel? [ they shake hands ]

Samuel Kernan : Ladies and gentlemen please uh, have a seat. Make yourselves comfortable. Uh, I’m Samuel Kernan, and I’m the actual Chairman of Warner and Lambert, and I think I should speak for all of us when I say "Welcome". Uh, let me just quickly introduce my team here. Uh, to my right is Henry Schimmel – our Chief Executive – and to his right, Lawrence Marble – he runs our Marketing – Bill Kaystings over there in the hat, uh Steve Munsen, Jeff Kennington, Charles Weakman - from Research and Development - and he’s next to Mathiew Lopkin, Hank Drummond, Trent Baker, Parker Winslow heads up our European team, uh, Rip Giltor – works in P.R. – with Layla Cassey and Kent Lamken, uh, Burt Treybur, Fred Kurl, Lyle Di Angelo down there, Brett Sheyburs, Philton Madison, and that’s Samuel Whetston and uh, Adrien Easse, down there next to Jasper Loost, Paul Warner, Mark Shitling, and Lanear Morehead uh, passed Lanear there’s Kent Sanderson and Harnold Hoatch, Peter Kallingback –in the plied jacket, of course – Dirk Ford, Preston Phillips – just had a baby – Arthur Rowlings, Anson Pierce, Dominik Hentsbruck, Wilson Smith, Debra Hillson, Kwan Pak, Cameron Wong-Jett, Richard Kyle, Dana Grott, Bill Wilder, Kevin McTattle, Bren Bearsley – heads up our Personnel – next to her is Lance Fortune and Granch Freemont there’s, Dick Bartum right there uh, Windsel Kelly, Andy Pearson, Paul Jacobson and Lenny Forem [ Samuel Kernan takes big a glass of water and continues ] Will Suncek, uh, Amanda Sphorget, Jim Palter, Lester Bedlie down there, Gale Dutrik, Vince O’Grady, Marl Oppaulond, uh, Robert Gettlingbush, Forrest Birss, Chester Lang, Richard Camperton, Art Wonder, there’s Mark Williams, Christopher Hagerty, Gaston Lejeune – I think I pronounced that right – Wilson Steinman down there, uh Damon Winckerminch, Wes Fitzpatrick, Gene Stewart, and there on the end, Kyle Gotleed, Nick Windstad, Herbert Locks, Wayne Forrest and… Kevin Warner. And that runs out the owners of Warner and Lambert team, uh, Brett Holkum couldn’t make it there’s a illness in his family. [ Samuel Kernan sits down, Karl steer get off his chair ]

Karl Steer : It was my pleasure gentlemen hum, I’m Karl Steer, and I’m the president of with American Home Product and uh, I’d rather not take my family to the test. I’d just like to allow my staff to hum, introduce themselves, so Frank, if you wouldn’t mind starting up.

Frank Lizkulm : Sure. Frank Lizkulm – executive in charges of Sales- pleasure to meet you.

Phil Don Levi : Uh, Phil Don Levi

Ciro Barkley : Ciro Barkley

Andy Weiland : Andy Weiland – Marketing.

Winston Laforge : Winston Laforge

Jennifer Johnson : Jonnifer Jenhson- uh…I mean, Jennifer Johnson [ all the executives look at her, shocked, Samuel Kernan stands up ]

Samuel Kernan: What was that?

Jennifer Johnson : uh, I slipped up.

Samuel Kernan: You what?

Jennifer Johnson : I just got, tripped up, I – [ Samuel Kernan studies the situation nervously ]

Samuel Kernan : No. No I don’t like the way this feels. The Merger’s off! [ the executives takes their briefcases and leave ] Every once in a while they’re gonna ask Stutter Puss down there! Okay? Good Day!

[ SUPER: Great Moments in Corporate History ]

V/O : You’ve been watching "Great Moments in Corporate History". See you next time.

[ Fade out ]




Submitted by: P-Y


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