Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 6

99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Jennifer Aniston's Monologue

.....Jennifer Aniston
Woman in Audience.....Tina Fey
.....Molly Shannon
.....Ana Gasteyer
.....Cheri Oteri
.....Rachel Dratch

Jennifer Aniston: Thank you! I am so thrilled to be finally hosting "Saturday Night Live".. and I say "finally", because I'm the fifth cast member, I think it is, to be hosting "Saturday Night Live". And I asked the other four if they had any advice, and they said, "Just relax, have fun, and stay away from that Chris Kattan!"

[ Guy in Audience interrupts ]

Guy in Audience: Jennifer? I'm a big fan of the show "Friends", and I was wondering, in real life, are you all really friends?

Jennifer Aniston: Um.. what an original question.. you remind me of the fifty other people who ask me that every day! [ spots Woman in Audience with a question] Uh, yeah?

Woman in Audience: Hi! Is your boyfriend Brad Pitt gonna be here tonight?

Jennifer Aniston: No. No, Brad is not here - he's actually in London promoting his new movie "Fight Club". Hey, you know what, by the way? That restraining order is still in effect, Misty. And you know what? Nothing personal here, but I don't really feel like doing this question-and-answer thing any more, so.. uh.. [ retreats backstage ]

Molly Shannon: Hey.

Jennifer Aniston: Hey, Molly.

Molly Shannon: Are you okay, Jennifer?

Jennifer Aniston: Yeah.

Molly Shannon: It seems like you just sort of bailed there on the monologue.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh.. well, it's just that I get so tired of answering those questions, you know?

Molly Shannon: Yeah, I know. Well, is there anything I can help you with?

Jennifer Aniston: Well, you know what, actually there is. I want you to hit me as hard as you can.

Molly Shannon: Excuse me?

Jennifer Aniston: If you want me to have a good show, I want you to hit me as hard as I can.

Molly Shannon: Well, gosh, Jennifer.. I don't know.. uh.. [ punches Jennifer's breast ]

Jennifer Aniston: Hey! Ow! That was my boob! [ pinches Molly's breasts ]

Molly Shannon: Hey, you! You told me to hit you! Are you okay?

Jennifer Aniston: Well, yeah, actually.. for the first time, I don't think I've ever felt so alive! [ punches Molly's face ]

Molly Shannon: [ angry ] I am gonna kick your ass, pretty lady! [ shoves Jennifer ] You want some more of that, "Rachel"?
[ Jennifer punches back, but Molly returns the attack with a blow to the head with a stage light. Jennifer grabs Molly by the hiar and rams her head into the cast lockers. Ana Gasteyer and Cheri Oteri run in to stop the fight. ]

Ana Gasteyer: Stop it, you guys! What the hell is going on here?

Molly Shannon: No, it's okay. Jennifer just asked me to..

Jennifer Aniston: No, no, no, no! First rule of "Fight Club": "Do not talk about 'Fight Club'!" Or wait a minute.. is it "talk about it"? I don't know.. I haven't seen it. Isn't that awful?

Ana Gasteyer: Wait a minute. How do we join "Fight Club"?

Cheri Oteri: Yeah! I want a piece of that!

Jennifer Aniston: Well, it's actually very simple. You and I just beat the hell out of each other!

Cheri Oteri: Okay! [ throws a punch at Ana ] You oughtta calm down, Olive Oyl!

Ana Gasteyer: Oh, yeah? Bring it on, Munchkin! [ swats at Cheri with a paint can ] Hey, this is fun, I like this!

[ Cheri grabs Ana by the hair and pounds her head into a table, then pulls out a lock of her hair ]

Jennifer Aniston: [ elated ] Ooh, Martha Stewart got her ass kicked!

Molly Shannon: I like "Fight Club"! [ does her Mary Katherine Gallagher Superstar jump ]

[ Jennifer shoves Molly to the ground, as Ana and Cheri continue to scuffle ]

Rachel Dratch: [ interceding ] Hey, what do you guys think you're doing?!

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] What's it to ya, new meat, huh? [ punches Rachel ]

Rachel Dratch: I'm gonna tell Lorne!

Jennifer Aniston: Whoa-oa! Second rule of "Fight Club": "Don't tell Lorne about 'Fight Club'."

Rachel Dratch: [ interested ] "Fight Club"? What's that?

Cheri Oteri: [ laughing deviously ] Hey, Rachel, look at this.. [smacks Rachel in the jaw ] "Fight Club"!

[ Molly cracks a chair over Rachel's back ]

Ana Gasteyer: Hey, "Featured Player"! [ cracks a ladder over Rachel's head ]

Rachel Dratch: [ reeling in the excitement ] This is FREAKIN' awesome!

Jennifer Aniston: She's mine now! [ breaks a plywood board across Rachel's back, then drags her by the hair toward Home Base ] Alright. Any more questions? I didn't think so. We got a great show, Sting is here.. and, if you want, we will kick his tantric ass, too! Stick around, we'll be right back.

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