Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 6




99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Roberta's Thanksgiving

Father.....Chris Parnell
Roberta.....Cheri Oteri
Mother.....Ana Gasteyer
Sarah.....Jennifer Aniston
Grandpa.....Darrell Hammond

Father: My, honey, you've really outdone yourself this year! Well, I just want to begin by saying that I am very thankful to be spending this day with my wonderful family.

Roberta: And me.

Father: Yes, and Roberta too.

Mother: Oh, we're so happy to have you, Roberta. You can take your coat off, if you like.

Roberta: It's from the Burlington Coat Factory.

Sarah: So Roberta, how do you know Dad?

Roberta: I work in accounts payable at your father's firm. I'm in charge of all the company's debts.

Father: Yes. Roberta overheard me talking about our little family gathering and said she didn't have any place to go. Several times actually.

Roberta: I usually spend Thanksgiving with my father and my aunt, but they went and booked themselves on a carnival cruise. It's a large boat designed for those who like nonstop activities including shuffleboard and skeet. But I exempted myself from the aquatic fun because the Carnival Cruise Corporation doesn't allow pets aboard its vessels.

Mother: Oh, you have pets?

Sarah: Mom, mom, don't.

Roberta: I have... I have 8 cats. There's Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus--

Sarah: Uh, Daddy, could you um pass the turkey please?

Roberta: Othello, and the most finicky: Gilligan. He'll only eat Fancy Feast.. It's funny, 'cause he'll only eat Fancy Feast---

Sarah: Well this fancy feast is--

Roberta: From the commercial!

Sarah: Well this fancy feast is getting cold. So you know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and grab myself a little drumstick here..

Roberta: Would it be inappropriate for me to incorporate a blessing?

Sarah: Dad, did you not already say one?

Father: Yes I did.

Roberta: Dear Jesus--

Sarah: We're Jewish.

Roberta: -- savior of the world. I'd like to thank thee for my new Hebrew friends and the top-notch chow we are about to consume. I'd also like to thank thee in advance for the 7 bags of leftovers I'll be able to take home to my cats.

Father: Okay, let's eat.

Roberta: Langly, Dominic, Hi Ho, Nut Nut, Montell, Jesus.. (looks up) Not you. Othello, and Jesus, you know Gilligan. He'll only eat--

Sarah: Fancy Feast! Amen!

Roberta: Amen.

Father: Alright. Uh, Grandpa, if you could pass those sweet potatoes, I'd be most grateful.

Grandpa: Holy hell, I wish I was DEAD!

Father: Yeah, just pass the potatoes.

Mother: Sarah, it's such a shame that Richard couldn't join us tonight.

Sarah: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you that he invited me to join him next week in Paris.

Mother: Oh, that's so exciting! Our Sarah jetting off to Paris!

Roberta: Have ya ever been to Scranton?

Sarah: Nope.

Roberta: Don't count it out. The beauty of the skyline alone made me do a double take. (demonstrates) I stayed, I stayed at the airport Ramada.

Sarah: (sarcastic) Oooh, Ramada.

Roberta: It's funny, because they hadn't washed the sheets.

Sarah: I'm sory, how was that funny?

Roberta: You didn't let me complete the tale. Apparently the previous guest shot himself in the head.

Grandpa: I need a frickin' drink!

[ fade ]


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