99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
.....Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From the news capitol of the world, it's "Weekend Update" with Colin Quinn.

Colin Quinn: Hi, I'm Colin Quinn and here are today's top stories.

In a New Yorker article this week, Al Gore criticized Bill Clinton for being too political, saying, "Bill Clinton sees a car going down the street and says, 'What are the political implications of that car?' I think, 'How can we replace the internal combustion engine of that car?'" Clinton angrily denied Gore's characterization of him, insisting that when he sees a car, he thinks, How far back do the seats go?"

Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush made his first foreign policy speech yesterday in Simi Valley, California, emphasizing that the United States needs to set priorities on the world stage. Specifically, Bush believes that the U.S. needs to concentrate on "the Far East, Russia, and, you know, that other one that looks like a shoe."

Yesterday, John Carpenter, an Internal Revenue Service employee, became the first contestant to win the million dollar prize on ABC's "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" Carpenter said that, despite his windfall, he won't quit his job at he IRS, but rather looks forward to going back to work and harassing himself out of all the money he won.

In his just-released biography, Texas Governor George W. Bush says his image as a party animal is quote "vastly overblown". As opposed to our current president, who's just "vastly overblown".

The title of Bush's biography, "A Charge to Keep", was taken from a painting that hangs in the Governor's office. Bush said he got the idea of naming the book after a work of art after reading Dan Quayle's autobiography, "Dogs Playing Poker".

Colin Quinn: Joining us now to discuss his autobiography, Republican Presidential candidate George W. Bush.

George W. Bush: Thank you,.. uh.. don't tell me.

Colin Quinn: Colin.

George W. Bush: I said not to tell me, dammit! Colin! Alright. I knew that.

Colin Quinn: Now, Governor Bush, first off, how do you have time to write a book while your governor of Texas and a full-time presidential candidate?

George W. Bush: Well, Col, I only sleep about 45 minutes a night. Plus, the book itself only took two days to write.

Colin Quinn: Two days? The book is over 250 pages.

George W. Bush: I was a little wired that week! I've been doing some partying.

Colin Quinn: I see. So, tell us about the book.

George W. Bush: Well, it's selling in bookstores for $23, but it has a street value of $65. It's an in-depth exploration of my entire life, except for some minor details, like what I did in the 70's and the early 80's.

Colin Quinn: Well, what did you do in those days?

George W. Bush: [ worried ] Who wants to know? Did someone ask you to ask that?

Colin Quinn: No.

George W. Bush: Okay, Colin, I trust you. You know, you'd have to tell me if you were a cop, right? Yeah! Man! It is hot in here! [ starts taking off his jacket ] Do you mind?

Colin Quinn: No, go ahead..

George W. Bush: [ loosens his tie and removes his shirt ] I'm sweating up a storm in here. Whoo! My heart is racing! Hey, is it cool if I do a couple of lines?

Colin Quinn: What?!

George W. Bush: A couple lines of my book! Of my book!

Colin Quinn: Sure, go ahead. [ Bush opens his book and sniffs the pages ] What are you doing?

George W. Bush: God, I love that new book smell!

Colin Quinn: Put that away! George Bush, everybody.

George W. Bush: [ worried ] My Dad's here?

Colin Quinn: No, that's you. Governor George Bush.

Facing a protracted legal battle in Maryland, this week Linda Tripp launched a fundraising internet site designed to pay her mounting legal bills. Interestingly, her online moneymaking scheme works opposite to other Web sites: in it, Linda Tripp appears naked and you have to use your credit card to get her to put her clothes back on.

Also hitting the fundraising trail this week, former New York Knick and presidential hopeful Bill Bradley who returned to Madison Square Garden with the other NBA greats this weekend for an event that netted 1.5 million dollars for his campaign. He would have raised another million dollars, but he missed his second shot from half court.

It was reported this week that, when the New York Knicks were in South Carolina before the 1996 playoffs, an Atlanta strip club owner allegedly sent topless dancers to the team to perform sexual favors for the players. Evidently, the dancers were so accommodating that even Patrick Ewing scored in the last two minutes.

Pop superstar Michael Jackson announced last week that he plans to publish a text and picture book celebrating his "love of children". The working title of the book: "People's Exhibit A".

Colin Quinn: This week, one story touches on the most devisive issue in America: Jesse Jackson's protest of the expulsion of seven black students from a Decatur, Illinois high school. Can these racial issues be discussed in an open, honest manner? They can, here on Update Forum. Joining me tonight, our own Tracy Morgan.

Tracy Morgan: Colin, we'll never understand each other unless we start saying what's really on our minds.

Colin Quinn: Absolutely. Now, don't you think Reverend Jackson.. [ super: "Everybody's a reverend with you people." ] ..is creating a racial conflict where it doesn't exist?

Tracy Morgan: Well, you know, this is not a racial issue. [ super: "Yes it is." ] Reverend Jackson made that clear.

Colin Quinn: Oh, I know it's not. [ super: "Oh yes it is." ] Race just confuses the issue, really.

Tracy Morgan: But I understand white people's concern with this type of demonstration. [ super: "Be afraid, Colin. Be very afraid." ] Still, the penalty was too severe. What about alternative schooling?

Colin Quinn: Listen: I agree that these kids need alternative schooling. [ super: "Prison." ] There have to be options!

Tracy Morgan: Exactly. And, as long as people like you and I can work together.. [ super: "'Til my sitcom on the WB." ] ..and have these open and honest conversations about race, only good can come of it.

Colin Quinn: You're right. I guess we cleared that up. [ super in front of both men: "He's one of the good ones." ] Tracy Morgan, everybody. I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.