99f: Jennifer Aniston / Sting
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
George W. Bush.....Will Ferrell
[fade up to New York City skyline with smokestacks]
Voiceover: And now, from the news capital of the world, it's Weekend Update with Colin Quinn!
[dissolve to Colin at the Update desk]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks! Come on!...Ha!...Hi, I'm Colin Quinn, and here are tonight's top stories.
Before President Clinton boarded the Air Force One flight from Athens earlier today, the Secret Service received an anonymous threat against the plane. Looking for anything suspicious, agents asked all passengers if their belongings were ever out of their possession, or if they were asked to carry anything on board by this woman. [photo of Hillary Clinton]
In a New Yorker article this week, Al Gore criticized Bill Clinton for being too political, saying, quote, "Bill Clinton sees a car going down the street and says, 'What are the political implications of that car?' I think, 'How can we replace the internal combustion engine on that car?'" Clinton angrily denied Gore's characterization of him, insisting that when he sees a car, he thinks, "How far back do the seats go?" [some cheers, scattered applause]
Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush made his first foreign policy speech yesterday in Simi Valley, California, emphasizing that the United States needs to set priorities on the world stage. Bush believes that the U.S. needs to concentrate on the Far East, Russia, and "you know, that other one that looks like a shoe."
In international news, the [semi-Irish accent] Irish Republican Army issued a historic statement Wednesday, rejecting violence and declaring that they will completely disarm, beginning in January. But you know, that's probably just the booze talking. [cheers and applause]...[sarcastically] Ha ha, yeah. Funny....Funny to you, and I gotta go to those fire department fundraisers and catch a few shots in the face.
Hoping for future membership in the World Trade Organization, China reached a trade agreement with the United States this week that is being opposed by American unions as a, quote, "job killer." Whatever happens with the agreement, however, U.S. experts warn you have to be careful when dealing with a closed culture steeped in ritual, family, and distrust of outsiders -- the Teamsters.
Yesterday, John Carpenter, a - an Internal Revenue Service employee, became the first contestant to win the million-dollar prize on ABC's "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?" Carpenter said that, despite his windfall, he won't quit his job at the IRS, but rather looks forward to going back to work, and harassing himself out of all the money he's won. [cheers and applause]...Yeah! Where is he?
In his just-released biography, Texas governor George W. Bush says his image as a party animal is, quote, "vastly overblown." As opposed to our curs - current president, who's just vastly overblown. [cheers and applause]
The title of Bush's biography, A Charge to Keep, was taken from a painting that hangs in the Texas governor's office. Bush said he got the idea of naming the book after a work of art after reading Dan Quayle's autobiography, Dogs Playing Poker.
Joining us now to discuss his new autobiography, Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush!
[pan over to George, who is a bit nervous and has a copy of his autobiography on the desk]
George W. Bush: Thanks, uh...thank you, uh...don't tell me. Don't tell me.
George: I said not to tell me, dammit! Colin! All right....Right, I knew that.
Colin: ...Governor Bush [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs, scratches his nose, then takes a couple deep breaths]...Governor Bush, first off...how do you have time to write a book while you are governor of Texas and a full-time presidential candidate?
George: Well, Col, I only sleep about 45 minutes a night. [laughs] Plus, the book itself only took two days to write.
Colin: Two days? The book's over 250 pages!
George: I was a little wired that week! [laughs] Uh...I've been doing some partying. [makes a big, goofy smile and laughs very quietly]
Colin: I see....So, uh, tell us about the book.
George: Well, well, it sells in bookstores for 23 dollars, but it has a street value of 65. And it's, uh, an in-depth exploration of my entire life, except for some minor details, like what I did in the '70s and the early '80s. [laughs, then sniffs twice] Woo!
Colin: Well [George sticks out his tongue and wiggles it around, then sniffs twice] ...what did you do in those days?
George: [worried] Who wants to know? Did somebody ask you to ask me that?
George: Are you affiliated with a law enforcement organization of some type?
George: [relieved] Okay. Okay, Colin, I trust you. I trust you. You know, you'd have to tell me if you were a cop, right? Yeah. Okay. Man! It is hot in here, isn't it? [takes off his sportcoat] Do you mind? Do you mind?
Colin: No, uh...
Colin: ...go ahead.
George: I'm sweating up a storm in here. [loosens his tie] I am sweatin'! Woo! My heart is...my heart is racin'! [unbuttons and takes off his shirt] Racin' like a race dog! I'm burnin' up! [cheers] I'm burnin' up! Hey, listen...if - if - if anyone calls for me, I'm NOT HERE, OKAY?! I'M NOT HERE!
Colin: If you say so, okay!
George: Is it cool if I do a couple lines?
George: A couple lines of my book! A couple lines of my book! My book!
Colin: Oh, sure, go - go ahead. [some applause]
Geoge: Yeah! [opens his book and sniffs the pages]
Colin: Wh...what are you - what are you doing?!
George: Col, I love that new book smell, I love it!...I love it!
Colin: Put that away!
George: I love it!
Colin: George Bush, everybody!
George: My dad's here?
Colin: No, that's you! Governor...
George: Oh, right, no, I know that.
Colin: ...George Bush!
George: I know that. I know that.
Colin: Facing a protracted legal battle in Maryland this week, Linda Tripp launched a fundraising Internet site designed to pay her mounting legal bills. Interestingly, her online moneymaking scheme works opposite to other websites; in it, Linda Tripp appears naked, and you have to use your credit card to get her to put her clothes back on. [some applause]
Also hitting the campaign trail this week-- ah!...Former New York Knick and presidential hopeful Bill Bradley, who returned to Madison Square Garden with other NBA greats this weekend for an event which netted 1.5 million dollars for his campaign. He would have raised another million dollars, but he missed his second shot from half court.
This week...Robert Reich, who served as Secretary of Labor in the Clinton-Gore White House, chose to endorse Bill Bradley for president instead of [one audience member applauds] his former colleague, Al Gore. Gore dismissed the endorsement, saying it was just right to pay back for the relentless "Mini-Me" jokes. [scattered applause]
England's Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Philip, will celebrate their 52nd wedding anniversary this weekend. The royal couple plans to have a romantic candlelit dinner, retire to the seclusion of Windsor Castle, get a little tipsy on wine, and then wave at each other from a respectable distance.
[photo of new $10 bill] The Treasury Department Tuesday unveiled an updated version of the ten-dollar bill, which will incorporate new security features to confuse and deter counterfeiters. [portrait of Alexander Hamilton replaced with photo of Chris Gaines; scattered applause]
According to Senate records, Arizona senator and presidential hopeful John McCain has the worst attendance record in the Senate this year, having skipped 36 percent of the first 365 floor votes. And what I want to know is: who's the spoiled brat hall monitor who snitched on him? [photo of Al Gore]
It was reported this week that whi - when the New York Knicks were in South Carolina before the 1996 playoffs, an Atlanta strip club owner allegedly sent topless dancers to the team to perform sexual favors for the players. Evidently, the dancers were so accommodating, that even Patrick Ewing scored in the last two minutes. [some applause]
Pop superstar Michael Jackson announced last week that he plans to publish a text...a text-and-picture book, celebrating his, quote, "love of children." The working title of the book: People's Exhibit A. [some applause]
This week, one story touches on the most divisive issue in America: Jesse Jackson's protest of the expulsion of seven black students from a Decatur, Illinois high school. Can these racial issues be discussed in an open, honest manner? They can, here on "Update Forum." Joining me tonight, our own Tracy Morgan.
[pan over to Tracy]
Tracy Morgan: [waves to the audience] Hey!...How you doing, Colin?
Colin: Hi, Tracy. I want to thank you for agreeing to join me for this frank and open racial discussion.
Tracy: Colin, we'll never understand each other unless we start saying what's really on our minds.
Colin: Absolutely. Now, don't you think Reverend [subtitle: "Everybody's a reverend with you people."] Jackson...is creating a racial conflict where it doesn't exist?
Tracy: Well, you know, this is not a racial [subtitle: "Yes it is."] issue. Reverend Jackson made that clear.
Colin: Oh, I know it's not! [subtitle: "Oh yes it is."] Race just confuses the issue, really.
Tracy: But I understand white people's concerns with this type of demonstration. [subtitle: "Be afraid, Colin. Be very afraid."] Still, the penalty was too severe. What about alternative schooling?
Colin: Listen. I agree that these kids need alternative [subtitle: "Prison."] schooling. There have to be options!
Tracy: Exactly. And as long as people like you and I can work together [subtitle: "'Til my sitcom on the WB."] and have these open and honest conversations about race, only good can come of it.
Colin: You're right. I guess we [he and Tracy smile broadly and shake hands while facing the camera] cleared that up! [subtitles in front of him and Tracy: "He's one of the good ones."]...Tracy Morgan, everybody! I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it! [Tracy flashes the peace sign] Good night!
[Colin and Tracy hug]
[fade to black]
Submitted by: Gregory Larson