Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 7

99g: Christina Ricci / Beck


Sally Jesse Raphael.....Ana Gasteyer
Jean.....Molly Shannon
Amber.....Christina Ricci
Sergeant Frank....Tracy Morgan

Sally Jesse Raphael: Joining us now is Jean.. Jean, I understand your daughter, Amber, has been causing you a lot of heartache.

Jean: Yes, Sally, she is really out of control. I mean, she swears at me all the time, she bit her little brother's nose off.. [ boy in audience is shown with bandages on his nose ] ..Last week, I caught her in bed naked with a dog.

Sally Jesse Raphael: Naked with a dog?

Jean: Yes. And we don't even have a dog.

Sally Jesse Raphael: How old is Amber?

Jean: She's 13.

Sally Jesse Raphael: 13? And what do you want to tell her today?

[ Amber is shown backstage mocking Jean ]

Jean: Um.. I just want to tell- I just want my little girl back! We used to be real close.. and I just want her to straighten up, and quit drugging, and stay in school!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Let's bring her out. Amber? Come on out.

[ audience boos as Amber struts onstage ]

Amber: Shut up! You don't know me - look at you! I lok good, shut up!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber, your mother is very worried about you..

Amber: I don't care!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Are you taking drugs?

Amber: Yes! [ to annoy Jean ] I love drugs, and I love sex! I smoke weed, and I do the nasty with old men! I sometimes make out with girls, sometimes I have sex with people and they don't even know it!

Jean: I just don't want you to get pregnant by the dog..

Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain't talking to you!!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Amber! Look at your mother! Why do you think your mother is crying?

Amber: 'Cause she's jealous? 'Cause look at this, y'all.. I got it going on! Sally, you know you want me!

Sally Jesse Raphael: That is a whole other show..

Jean: Amber, I just want..

Amber: Shut up! Shut up! I ain't talking to YOU!

Sally Jesse Raphael: [ angry ] Now, you listen to me, Missy! You do not talk to your mother like that - not while you're on my show! If you were my daughter, I would spank the you-know-what out of you, and send you to your room!

[ Amber punches Sally in the nose ]

Ow. [ pause ] Okay. We have got someone here who may be able to get through to you, Amber. He's taking you away to boot camp, please welcome "Sergeant" Frank. [ Sergeant Frank appears onstage ] While Segeant Frank is not affiliated with the military, or any youth service organizations, he isan intimidating black man.. and he does wear fatigues. Sergeant Frank, tell us how your program works.

Sergeant Frank: [ clutching baseball bat ] I take these wild children, and I get down on them! I eat their disrespect, and like a momma bird, I spit it back in their mouth as re-spect! And through my strictfulness and my disciplinarism, they are re-born!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Go to it, Sergeant Frank.

Sergeant Frank: [ leans over Jean ] I will work that fat right off of you! I will boil you with some eggs, and dip you in flour, and then fry you a new attitude!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Sergeant Frank.. Sergeant Frank.. Jean is the mother.

Amber: [ laughs hysterically ]

Sergeant Frank: You are a beautiful woman, I apologize.. [ turns to Amber ] I will teach you respect! I will humiliate you!

[ he and Amber start yelling simultaneously, until he drags her off the set ]

Sally Jesse Raphael: We'll see how Amber made out at boot camp, when we come back..

[ cut to fake promos ]

Announcer: Are you an overweight woman over forty who's cheating on your cheating husband? If so, call the "Sally" show. Sally's wordrobe provided by Clowntown. Guests of the "Sally" show stay in Lorimer Dog Cages, 'cause they don't know no better!

Sally Jesse Raphael: We're back. What you've seen so far took place three months ago. We sent Amber to boot camp with Sargeant Frank, and here's what happened.

[ show film at boot camp ]

Sergeant Frank: [ yelling at Amber on tape ] This is your problem - NO RESPECT!!

Sergeant Frank V/O: Sally.. the first thing these kids need to learn is that somebody cares about them.

[ film shows Amber overpowering Sergeant Frank, knocking him to the ground with his own baseball bat ]

Children need structure to know they're love. Too many of these kids grow up without a father. I truly believe that if I could just help one child, I could stay in business.

[ film shows Amber making out with Sergeant Frank ]

[ back to Sally in the studio ]

Sally Jesse Raphael: So.. do you think Amber has changed her ways? [ Audience says no ] Let's find out.. Jean and Amber, come on out. [ Jean enters with an Asian girl ] Jean, how's it going at home?

Jean: Oh, Sally, it's great! She's on the honor roll, she helps out at home, and she's just growing into a beautiful young woman.

Sally Jesse Raphael: But this is not Amber.

Jean: No.. this is not Amber. I don't know who this is. This is the girl that Segeant Frank sent back to me, and I love her!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Segeant Frank, where is Amber?

Sergeant Frank: [ in audience, wearing blind shades ] Sally, during an altercation, Amber blinded me with her nail tips and vacated the camp. I don't currently know where she is now, but, irregardless.. the bitch is crazy!

Sally Jesse Raphael: Well, we have a surprise for you. Our producers found Amber unconcious in the stock room of a Blimpie's. We'd like to reunite you with Amber.

Jean: [ panicking ] Oh, please, no! No!!

Amber: [ steps onstage, pregnant, starts punching Jean ]

Sergeant Frank: [ stands up and swings his bat ] Stay away from me! I'm BLIND!! [ walks onstage and mistakenly whacks the Asian girl with his bat ]

Sally Jesse Raphael: When we come back, Amber will reveal to her mother that she may be pregnant with biracial dog babies. Don't stick around! Turn off your TV! Run! Go! Turn it off!

[ fade out ]

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