99g: Christina Ricci / Beck

Weekend Update with Colin Quinn

.....Colin Quinn
Jacob Silj.....Will Ferrell

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with Colin Quinn.

Colin Quinn: I'm Colin Quinn, here are tonight's top stories.

In entertainment news rapper Jay-Z was arrested Thursday on charges of stabbing a music executive the previous night during a birthday party for fellow rapper Q-Tip. Party-goers said that they knew there was gonna be trouble when the invitation said the party would last "From 9 p.m. until Jay-Z stabs somebody."

And it was revealed this week that Kate Shindle, Miss America 1998, is now working in a Manhattan deli. It should be noted that if Shindle calls in sick, Miss Montana, her first runner- up, will cover her tables.

Hillary Clinton this week condemned Mayor Rudy Giuliani's homeless policies and pledged to secure money for federally subsidized housing if elected senator. Yeah, a senator can do a lot to help the homeless. You know who can really do a lot to help the homeless? A first lady.

On the medical front, scientists announced Wednesday that they have for the first time decoded an entire human chromosome. According to experts this breakthrough is nothing short of a first step towards unlocking the secrets of our DNA. After the announcement a concerned O.J. Simpson asked, "I'm still cool, right?"

For the second day now, NASA scientists are still unable to make contact with the 165 million dollar Mars Polar Lander. Analysts are now saying this is the most disappointing 165 million dollar space project since "The Phantom Menace".

A North Carolina woman who pleaded guilty to manslaughter was sentenced this week to wear a sign reading: "I am a convicted drunk driver and as a result I took a life." She was last seen being approached by a man wearing a T-shirt that read: "Who Likes to Party Besides Me?"

Colin Quinn: Here with a final word on this week's events in Seattle is World Trade Organization spokesman Jacob Silj.

Jacob Silj: [ speaking in a loud monotone ] Thank you, Colin. This week the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss matters of great importance. Such as: the loosening of trade restrictions that would greatly affect the environment. Unfortunately, delegates were met by hundreds, maybe thousands, of protestors. It's hard to say because of the extreme chaos. One thing's for sure..

Colin Quinn: Listen, Jacob, do you think you could speak in a normal voice?

Jacob Silj: I am speaking normally.

Colin Quinn: No, you're shouting.

Jacob Silj: Colin, listen to me. I was born without the ability to modulate the volume of my voice. It is an affliction that affects over 700 Americans every year. It is also fully acknowledged by medical communities of both the United Statyes and the United Kingdom. I have extensive literature in the trunk of my car that I'm happy to run and get for you if you think I'm lying.

Colin Quinn: I never said you were lying. Could you just somehow lower your voice?

Jacob Silj: Oh, My God! What did you not understand about what I just said? I can't do that. I have a disease! Would you ask a blind man to start having vision? Or an old person just to get young again?

Colin Quinn: No. Of course not.

Jacob Silj: Well, that's what you're doing. [ demonstrating, still monotone ] This is me whispering. This is me shouting. Now, I'm singing. Does this sound like a pleasurable way to live? [ To himself now ] God, I can't believe he's doing this to you, Jacob. How humiliating.

Colin Quinn: Was that supposed to be a quiet aside to yourself?

Jacob Silj: Of course, it was. Oh, you're just having a field day over there, aren't you?

Colin Quinn: Listen, you don't have to shout at me..

Jacob Silj: I'm not shouting at you! Believe me, I wish I could, but I can't. I suffer from voice immodulation. As do hundreds of others in the United States and Britian.

Colin Quinn: Okay, I apologize to you.

Jacob Silj: Now, no one has learned anything about the World Trade Organization. I hope you're happy, Colin Quinn.

Colin Quinn: I don't think anyone's happy here. Jacob Silj, everybody. I'm Colin Quinn, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Jacob Silj: That's a stupid tagline. If you ask me.