Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 9

99i: Jamie Foxx / Blink-182

Blackjack's Bitch

Aaron.....Will Ferrell
Blackjack.....Jamie Foxx
Bobo.....Tim Meadows
Chaco.....Horatio Sanz

[ open on exterior, prison, night ]

[ dissolve to interior jail cell, four inmates lying asleep between two bunk cots ]

Aaron: [ on top right cot ] Hey! Blackjack! Psst! Blackjack? You awake?

Blackjack: [ on top left cot ] Who is that?

Aaron: It's me -- Aaron.

Blackjack: [ shakes his head ] Oh.. hey, man.. What's wrong with you? You having trouble sleeping?

Aaron: Yeah. A little bit. [ pause ] Hey! Do you mind if I ask you a question?

Blackjack: Go ahead.

Aaron: Don't you think the food here is bad?

Blackjack: Now, is that really what you want to ask me, man?

Aaron: [ shakes his head and smiles] Oh, Blackjack, you know me too well! Okay.. I'll juat ask you, then. It's just something that's been on my mind for a while, and... maybe I'm just insecure, but -- am I still your bitch?

Blackjack: Huh? Man, what kind of silly question is that? Of course you still my.. BITCH!

Aaron: [ surprised ] Really? You're not just saying that because you know I want to hear it?

Blackjack: No, man, I'm not just saying that. I mean, everybody knows that, man -- you Blackjack's BITCH! Huh? I mean... that's the way it's ALWAYS been, and, as far as I know, that's the way it's always gonna be. Nothin' gonna change that!

Aaron: [ slightly worried ] As far as you know?

Blackjack: Yeah, that's what I said. [ Aaron frowns ] Why you lookin' at me all crazy, man?

Aaron: What does "As far as you know", mean?

Blackjack: Look, I don't know, man. I just said it. Why you actin' all... crazy?

Aaron: I don't know! I -- I -- I just feel CRAZY sometimes, like I'm... gonna do something crazy! I just feel like you're very distant from me sometimes.

Bobo: Hey, man, what's goin' on? Why y'all makin' all that noise?

Aaron: Oh. I'm sorry, Bobo. It's my fault.

Blackjack: Aaron, look -- [ to Bobo ] aaron is actin' all crazy and everything like that, man. He wants to know if I still consider him my bi-otch!

Bobo: Oh, come on, man! Everybody knows that Aaron is Blackjack's bitch!

Aaron: Are -- are you serious? People still say that?

Bobo: Oh, all the time!

Blackjack: See? That's what I'm sayin', man! I ain't sayin' it just to be nice! It's the God's honest truth, man. Plain and simple -- You my BITCH!!

[ beneath Blackjack, Chaco wakes up ]

Chaco: [ in a high whisper ] Blackjack really means it, Aaron!

Aaron: Oh, Chaco? Did I wake you up, too? I feel awful!

Chaco: It's alright, Aaron. Listen... I known Blackjack for a long time -- longer than ANYBODY! Longer than Bobo... longer than Double-Man... even longer than Little Joe. Believe me, when he makes you his bitch, it's FOREVER! [ pause ] Until he kills you. [ returns to sleep ]

Bobo: Straight up, you dumb white piece of ass!

Aaron: Hey! Easy, Bobo.

Bobo: I do NOT like you!

Aaron: You know what? When I really sit down and think about it... I think I just feel insecure 'cause -- 'cause I watch you, Blackjack, and you're sitting here talking with Chaco and Bobo, and you guys are laughing it up and having a great time and... and then you don't to me in the same way, and it feels weird, really.

Blackjack: Hey, look, man, let me give it to you straight, man -- sure, I have a good time with Bobo, and Chaco and everything, and we laugh it up, and we -- we talk about prison stories that are boh entertaining... and grisly. But... the thing about it is, I don't rap to them like I rap to you... but do I buy them presents? Huh? Who's the guy who got you the toothbrush with the razor blade on the end of it? Huh?

Aaron: You can't buy me.

Blackjack: I did buy you. I bought you from Hector for thirty cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine.

Aaron: [ he nods ] You're right.

Blackjack: Hey, man, look -- look, man, look -- in the end... Aaron, you're always gonna be my BITCH! Okay? And there ain't NOBODY... gonna take that away... 'til I kill your ass!

Aaron: Oh, Blackjack! [ relieved ] I sometimes don't know what to do with me! [ he chuckles ] Thanks for being so real, man.

Blackjack: No problem. Now, sweet dreams -- BI-OTCHHHH!!

Chaco: I second that, little bitch!

Bobo: Yeah, you dumb, white little bitch!

Aaron: [ laughs ] Guys! I think I get the point!

[ they all laugh heartily and returns to sleep ]

[ fade ]

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